Grief following husbands' suicide

[Robinbird]

Hello,

I'm new here. People in my life are tired of hearing me... tired of me not being "better", tired of me thinking or worrying about my husband Guy.
My husband Guy hung himself on 9-30-06.  I was out at a play w/ my 16 year old and I found him in our garage.  (My children were NOT there, my childrens father had picked them up from the play... thank God they did not see this.)

In the several months since, life has been hell. I try to get back into everyday life, and the intense pain has lessened a bit.  But overall it's only pain painand more pain each day.  It's so overwhelming. Reading books and online help... I see it can go on like this for years, and I have to ask... how can I DO THIS for years?  Days and months seem like too much torture.  I am in counseling, I feel better after the crying/talking there... but that feeling better fades soon enough.  All I know is I want my Guy and can not have him ever.  And he decided to go... that hurts so much, that he could make the decision to leave me, all of us. 

Things that help are, sleep, meditation, friends, distractions of books and movies... that's it... those things bring temporary relief, peace. Nothing else helps.  I feel like a zombie waking through a dream/nightmare where I will never ever wake up.  It's been only a few months, yet people want me back to work, back to normal, "moving on." I don't know how.  My doctor has me signed out on med leave until Jan 16th, after that it's supposed to be better, and I'm to function in the world again.  I just feel like hiding under the covers to make it all go away.  But I need to find ways... to recover ... to raise my two wonderful teens... to have a life & not be so miserable ALL the time.  Any advise on HOW to climb out of the hell?  How not to have wanting my Guy the central focus of my life?   I can't image being happy again, giving a damn about much, or not feeling like death warmed over.  Sorry for the length... any help appreciated.

[Tom]

Robin - Welcome to the forum.  So sorry to hear of your husband's death by suicide.  Suicide is so difficult.  Not only must you deal with the grief of the loss you also must deal with the violent shock and disbelief that are such constant companions for quite some time.  Grief has a very slow decay under the best of circumstances but when a death is so unexpected and happens in a manner that is so hard to believe it slows down even more.  The mind simply can't believe what has happened and it takes some time to get back to stable ground.  Those around you will often not have the tools to understand the depth of your experience.

I would bet that you will find some folks here who do understand and will likely be more accepting than most since they have experienced something similar.  Keep checking back.  We have just changed from one board to another and things are a bit topsy turvy here. 

Be especially careful of the "whys."  Suicide leaves you with a zillion questions of why and usually no answers.  The mind is all too often willing to assume responsibility when maybe none exists.  Watch out for that monster.

Glad you found us.

Tom

[Lonnie]

Hi Robin: Just wanted you to know that you have found a safe place here with us. There are several on the boards who have lost someone to suicide. I cannot imagine how devastated you must have felt to find Guy like that. That alone would take a long time to ever get past. I guess you'll never really get that out of your mind. In a way, it always makes me angry at the person who killed themself. But I have come to understand that there are many demons in people's lives, many hurts, struggles and heartaches that they just can't deal with. And I believe in a moment of weakness, they take the only way out they know. But they can never know the heartbreak they leave behind. The biggest temptation would be to feel guilty, but as Tom said...don't. When a person is determined to do it, they will find a way. You are not responsible for someone else's decisions. Do you have any clue as to what was going on with him? I truly believe a person has to be emotionally sick to kill themself. But there are moments in our lives when we feel so low that we don't know how to make it all stop. Many people think they will continue to feel that way forever and they cannot bear it. Was Guy depressed prior to this? Depression is also a cruel condition. A person is not really the same when they are severely depressed.
I just wanted to reassure you that you are so early in this grief journey. I mean this JUST happened. I don't know how anyone could expect you to be ready to jump back into a fast paced life. You have suffered a horrible shock and a enormous loss, and the fact that it was suicide is even more torturous. I wish I could hug you and sit and listen. But at least I can do half of that. If you feel like talking, we're here for you. This board has been a refuge for me during the last year and a half. I hope it will be a place where you can pour out your heart, your grief, your anger, your memories. That's what we are here for, and I am sure that some of the others will be along soon too to offer comfort. God bless you and hope to hear from you again soon! Hugs- Lonnie

[Robinbird]

Thank you for the words and welcome.

In the first weeks following his death, all I could see at night was him, there, like that.  That has faded some now, and I can only see him that way if I allow it--  which I don't much. 

After his death, I got some papers that Guy had filled out as part of a Genesis alcohol treatment program, 5 years before... a year before I knew him.  The papers asked questions, and in his own hand and words, he wrote of his childhood (physical, emotional and sexual abuse). I had had fleeting clues to this past, but never was it really talked about or in the open... it was too painful for him. Guy used alcohol to deaden that past.  But then alcohol became the problem for us and our lives, he spun out of control. Finally, he tried once more to quit for us.  He was sober 3 days and that 3rd night he hung himself.   I had gone to a play 15 minutes away, with me daughter. (my two teen are ---were his step children, he has one daughter, 15 years old, beautiful, sweet, smart).
I felt so guilty about being at that play while he was battling so much... while he was dying in the garage.... but everyone says... if not that night, another.  Plus my Kat deserved some of my time, and we all deserved less chaos and more "life."  So I went. I thought the worst that would happen was ... he'd drink.   Wrong.

Guy was a beautiful person.  He never could see that, see what we all saw in him.  His childhood had beaten that out of him. I tried to hold him up, cheer him , calm him.  I couldn't for long.. We'd had a beautiful wedding two years ago... went to Bahamas (7 days in heaven, 3-bedroom house steps from the beach), we'd gone to Paris taking my daughter and his along for 11 days!  We owned our home in Ventura, 5 minute ride to the beach or 25 min walk.  We could have had a good life, I was gtrying so hard to make it all work.  He got one DUI, then another.  He was going to have to go  to 30 days jail, or work furlough... he had all this chaos.  I went to work (computer tech)  night school at a small law office. I wanted to finish 3 more years with computer tech stuff for 10 years in, then do the law thing, not in courts, but research maybe or library work... I wanted us to retire in the Bahamas, where his drinking wouldn't get him in so much trouble if he could not stop. Can't get Dui in the Abacos Islands driving a golf cart.  He didn't give us a chance, without the alcohol, he simply could not stand the pain.  If I'd have known, that he would die without the drinking, I'd have said DRINK for God's sake, dull that pain.  But he would never say it... he was trying to quit for us, so we could rebuilt and heal all the hurts from his drinking.

He just couldn't do it.  His suicide letter said he "could not over come:, and we'd be "loved always."

Guy too, loved always...
thank you for listening...
Robin

[Lonnie]

Oh Robin: My heart just broke when I read your story. It seems, like you said, that the hurts were so deep from his past, that nothing you could have done could have healed him. Only God could do that I guess. And I am so sorry that it happened as it did. I had a feeling that there were demons from the past always trying to bring him down. That is why I have learned never to judge someone when they commit suicide. You feel so angry at times, and especially for the tremendous pain and guilt they leave behind. It's almost as if the survivors suffer even more because they have to keep on living-with the horrible memories, and questions and a broken heart. My husband and I owned a Christian coffeehouse for about 4 years, and one of the young military men that came in was so charming. My daughter was only 14 at the time, but I used to ask him jokingly if he would marry my daughter. (Of course, when she was old enough.) That's how much I thought of him. So polite and handsome and sweet. One night we got a call that he had shot himself in a Walmart parking lot, and it hurt me so bad that I literally howled with disbelief! I could not believe he would do it. And then I tortured myself about why I didn't see his pain, why I couldn't have ministered to him in some way, etc. You know how everyone tries to second guess themselves. But I finally realized that no one can fully understand the depth of someone else's pain, and we can only help to the extent that they'll let us. They have to open up to us, and that makes them feel so vulnerable if they have been hurt badly in the past. In the end, it comes down to a terrible decision that they make. I often feel that they are driven to it by inner voices that tell them nothing will ever be okay again. And they believe the lie, and in one brief moment they end it all-not just for themselves, but for everyone that loved them. Robin, I am so very sorry that you had to endure that. Please know that you tried in every way you knew to help him, and to ensure that your life together and with the children would be a good one. No one could have done more. You sound like an absolutely level-headed lovely person who cared so much for Guy-really cared in every way. And when he said you'd always be loved, please believe him. He was telling you that he deeply appreciated all your compassion and love. The problem was within, and as he said, he felt he could not overcome it. Every emotion you have is appropriate! Don't be afraid to feel angry, because I am sure at times you will. And the sadness must be almost paralyzing at times. And the shock of it all so overwhelming. Please get counseling if you haven't already. This is just too much to bear alone. I hope you will continue to come here and write out your feelings. It helps so much for all of us. We care about you and how you are doing. You are in my thoughts and prayers, Lonnie

[hoybaby]

Hi Robin. this is my first post here. I lost my father in Nov 2005. My husband and I also lost a friend to suicide last week.

I cant totally comprehend or relate to a completed suicide however my father did have suicide/mental illness/depression/alcohol problems his whole life. He tried to kill himself at least 3 times - one time I found him and brought him to the hospital and saved his life. the other two times my mom found him and brought him to the hospital.

My dad died of heart failure 5 years after I brought him to the hospital after his last suicide attempt. He was only 62. My mom found him in the basement several hours after he'd passed away. For a long time we thought he had killed himself but the autopsy report almost a year later showed it was a heart attack. 

Growing up in a family with someone depressed/suicidal has not been easy. But in order to save my own sanity I have had to learn that people who are suicidal and depressed are NOT thinking the way you and I would (I have also been depressed a few times so I can understand the thought processes involved).

People who are so depressed do NOT choose to leave YOU, they are leaving their pain. They are so sick that they literally cannot think or feel anything but their own pain, its that overwhelming. And thats why depression is such a serious illness. Many people just dont understand.

I have had to struggle my whole life wondering "Why wasn't I good enough, worthy enough, loveable enough for my own father to want to be alive" but it has NOTHING to do with me. Its an illness, plain and simple. And some illnesses make you sick, make you throw up, give you pain, but mental illness makes the ridiculous seem real - you really do believe that everyone would be better off without you.

My husband and I lost a friend last week from suicide. She too was very mentally ill (bipolar depression). She too could only think of one way out of her pain, which was to jump in front of a subway.

Death is hard enough - I know. I've been walking the path of a grieving daughter for 1 year and 2 weeks now, and walking the path of a daughter with a suicidal father my whole life. Its not easy. But it is NOT a choice that person made with a rational mind. Please try to see it was the ILLNESS that pushed your husband to do what he did not HIM as a person. It wasn't HIM. It was his illness.

Its the whole matter of thinking that person had a CHOICE and they CHOSE to leave you, to hurt you that complicates the whole resolution of grief in a case of suicide. But if you can try to look at it as they had an illness NO DIFFERENT than if they had heart disease, diabetes, or cancer. Mental illness is also lethal and deadly. Now that does not ease the pain of grief at all it just eases the extra suffering from the suicide part of it.

You said that you are having problems getting the thought of finding your husband out of your head. You may be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder - thats one thing that triggered my recent depressive episode (I experienced a very traumatic childbirth experience - very painful, invasive, out of control, lack of pain medication, lack of support, many complications afterwards) and I too suffered from PTSD.

I hope that you can find some professional support to help guide you. I had to go and talk to someone a LOT after my own PTSD and then the subsequent loss of my father 4 months later. this recent loss of our friend also from suicide is bringing up a lot of painful memories of my own past with my dad and my own experience with postpartum depression (our friend had problems since the birth of her child 3 years ago). I am goign to talk to someoen about this today and tomorrow. Its important to get help. 

[Robinbird]

Thank you all.  I am having days when I think I can "make it", (feel better, feel normal, not in escruciating pain)  and then Wham, I'm back in the hell-I-can't -stand this pain and all the days/nights without him.
I call those days/nights the screaming reds (Breakfast at Tiffany's: Holly Golightly)

I am in counseling, have been whole time.  He is great, kind, helpful. I feel better after each session.  But nothing really heals this loss... only time I think, between Sept 30 and a future far off.   I just want him, miss him, am so angry to be in this spot... without him! He was a mess but he was MY mess.  He served 8 years in the Navy on a submarine, he taught for two of those years.  He was smart, beautiful, funny, loving... but at times difficult, drinking out of control of himself.  He wanted to quit, but never could for long.  A friend said they founf empty rum bottles in the bag of the lawn mower in my yard (our house is in short sale, we;ve had to move from our 4 bedroom home to a two bedr apt, just more loss and grief....)  Evidently he was drinking even more than I knew and hiding the bottles out back in the grass catcher bag!  How sad, so many secrets from his past and right up to his death.

I feel guilty when I feel better (good days) , yet I feel awful on the bad days, can't win there!

I do relate to suicide and depression as illness, and it was the alcohol/pain that was in control, not my Guy-Honey.  He NEVER could have left his beautiful daughter, me or family if he could have fought the pain.  He had NO alcohol in his systen at his death, he fought that fight for 3 days, then, I believe had to decide --- to drink or not.  The pain was too much without the alcohol, and he was determined not to drink--- he'd promised us all.... so he left us, and the world.... His sister says he killed the alcoholic, and our Guy died with him.

And now what?  How long will it hurt this bad?  How long?  The counselor doesn't know, but says he sees progress... I cry less, and more often when alone rather than everywhere anywhere with anyone.  There is a constant pain just under my ribs... all his stuff reminds me of him, so I only keep a few small things around... his aftershave for really really bad nights... an indian blanket we used to cuddle under when we first met, his beat up old watch, a shoelace with his old house key on it (things he touched daily for awhile).  Pictures come out then are tucked away.

Christmas?  Who wants Christmas?  But I am trying for my teens.  We took Guy's daughter and all went to see the Eragon -dragon movie.  We are going to a John Denvers Christmas play on Dec 23, at a comminuty theater here. And I'm thinking of going the 24th and 25th to Disneyland with the teens if I can find the energy to drive the 2 hours there.  (A friend sent us the money and said do whatever makes Christmas possible -- even if just tolerable.)  I always loved Disneyland. It would be better not to be in this little apt those two days.  What does everyone think, should I take the kids and just go? 

I get most scared thinking about HOW long this pain will last and come in waves.  The last several months have been such pain, so long!  I can't get my mind around YEARS of pain, missing.  I am happy Guy is out of pain, at peace. I feel thouoght, that his pain was given to all of us... to carry instead of him.  I can't believe he had any idea of how much pain his suicide/death would cause!

So, I take the pain a moment at a time a day at a time... a few close sweet friends have been much help. Some close friends just want me better, get over it, get back to work and on with life!  Oh how I wish I could just do that for them, me, kids.... The plan with my doctor is for me to go back to work /jan 16th, because I asked to not go back til after Christmas and he agreed.  I work with computers, I have great bosses and coworkers-- there will be understanding and support there, but my interest, passion, confidence in work is at an all time low.  Last year I was happy at work, in law school three nights a week (I felt I'd need to make more money as Guy's drinking got worse... I was racing time, time out ran me w/his death!  Also I wanted a challenge and to help people.

Today, I do household chores at 15 minutes sessions, laundry piles up, I have little energy and life is SLOW, I am SLOW.

Overall, I want to cry NOT FAIR, this pain is not fair.

Tell me, anyone who knows, how LONG this has to go on, and how to get better sooner? Going back to work?  Going through the motions until the act feels real?  Forgiving Guy? Myself? The universe? 

I felt so bad hearing about the climber found Sunday, another wife in pain, another family so sad..... The listing here on this site of loved ones lost and remembered is incredible... goes on and on...

thank you for this site, and understanding...
sorry for the long post... I'll do better next time
Robin