I was given the news last week that I would need a complete hysterectomy, including the removal of the ovaries, which would put me into menopause at 42.
I am shocked by my grief and anxieties over this issue, since I chose not to have children.
My grief is not over the loss of my uterus, or of the childbearing issues. As I said, I chose to not have children and had a tubal ligation at 25. My issues come from this whole mystery called menopause.
I've never witnessed a woman go through menopause, that I am aware of. I've never seen a sweating miserable woman sitting at the front office desk answering phones, and have never been around a woman who discussed this phase in her life. So I dont know what to expect.
As my mother got older, she became more physically violent, more verbally cruel and abusive, more wild and more miserable. I remember my grandmother saying "oh shes just going through the change".
My aunt, (my mothers sister) was also more verbally abusive as she aged (this is the same aunt who told me mother mother hated me at the opening of my mothers will, stole from the estate, etc).
But what I didnt realize until yesterday, is that my mother wasn't that old when her violence increased. In fact, in doing the math yesterday, my mother was only in her late 30's when I was a young adolescent and my grandmother blamed my mothers behaviors, mood changes and violence on "the change". In fact, when I left home at 17 my mother, who seemed old at the time, was only 42... MY AGE, which again, would put her at a very young 30 something age, when her violence was increasing. Since the average age for menopause is 51, I'm sure menopause was not the reason for her abuse. I'm realizing now, that mental illness was the reason , which left untreated, as she did, gets worse with age, since the brain ages.
I also remember my mother screaming at me, whenever she would decide she needed to go on a rampage, "YOU MADE ME BLEED!", meaning, that she had started her period and it was somehow my fault, which of course, as a young naive child/adol, made me feel guilty and "bad" b/c I stressed my mother out so much that it made her bleed. I realized as I got older and started my own period, that this was not true nor my fault.
So this whole menopause thing left me really shaken up, with lots of unknowns and a sky high anxiety level . "Will my husband still want me"? "Will I still be a sexually active woman and ENJOY it?" "Will I feel old?" "Is this the final phase of my life?" ... on and on the questions mulled over in my mind. I knew my Dr, a man could only help me to a certain point, so I went out in search of women friends/coworkers, who have had hysterectomies, and I asked those embarrassing quesitons that some women still feel are taboo. Why its so taboo, is beyond me. I just wanted to say to them, " dont beat around the bush, we're grown women here. Just answer the quest... is sex still fun?! Do you feel like an old unattractive hag?" lol. Thats all I wanted to know. But of course I didnt quite say it like that, but I did get my answers...finally.
I guess this would have been a good time to have a normal mom in my life or even a grandmother, to walk with me through this transition of womanhood, but since they are both gone now, and since my aunts have disowned me long ago, I am having to deal with this on my own. and with a little help from those friends who get over the shyness of sexualtiy and orgasms. Good grief, this is the 21st century.
So, as I will soon begin my journey into a different phase of womanhood, on April 21st at 8;30 am, I feel more prepared mentally. To HONOR this transition, I have gone out and purchased some cuter, sexier nighties, and undies, and will throw away my big ole white granny panties that are good for holding that 10 inch thick mini mattress between my legs each month.
I fully expect to wake up from my hysterectomy , having the freedom of no more monthly ordeals, and the body of Cher. If she can age looking and acting that sexy then I figure, so can I! I hope I wont be dissappointed.
My dr has sworn to me that he will give me all the meds necessary to still be able to be a comptely sexually active woman. thank god for meds!!
So think of me on April 21st at 8:30 am, as I become the healthier, free er , sexier me!
lauren
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