Why?

[Sole]

Hello all

My girlfriend of seven months left me two weeks ago and I have spent every day since, crying, breaking down and simply unable to function normally. Now, I'm sure many of you may think seven months is a short time and it is. But let me explain.

I had been in a relationship for six years before that, that had completely wrecked me to such a point that I lost my job, ended up in hospital for two weeks for depression and also, because of her terrible temper and grip on me, made me lose a lot of friends. So I managed to pull myself away and came to live in London for a while. Despite hard times for the first month or so, I broke away from her and actually became very confident and was reasonably happy for the first time in a long time. I wasn't planning on any relationships AT ALL, had the one or two short flings which didn;t affect me. then in August of last year I ran into an old friend of my housemates and we started hanging out and I kept my distance avoiding any feelings until one night she kissed me and from then things quickly turned into a relationship. She was crazy about me and I initially wasn't. However the more i got to know her kindness and her sweet soft heart, the more I (I thought) realised that maybe this was why God brought me to London. For those of you who don't believe, I struggled every day back home trying to decide whether to leave my six year relationship and found it hard to come to London to start over.

This girl made me feel so special and at the same time I couldn't help just wanting to make her feel special and things were great. One or two arguments, but nothing that we didn't get over. Things were really great. I gave her as much space as she wanted and she me, and when we were together I could feel the caring between us.

A month ago my work permit expired and we had to deal with the fact that I'd have to leave. We eventually broke it off after an argument, but I missed her so much I made a plan to stay in London and find work. She said she would give it another chance, but that was the past week. I didn't see her once and she kept avoiding any chance of seeing each other. Eventually she told me that she just didn't feel the same way about me as I did for her and that she felt boxed in by me. That's the last thing she told me and I just can't come to grips with it. Every morning I wake up and realise she's not there any more. That I won't be talking to her about my day, or planning trips or weekends together. And every second of every day I think about how great it was to be with her and the simple caring affection we felt towards each other. I'm leaving in a week and am no better than when I arrived. I've prayed so hard for answers or a miracle but it seems things just get worse. Could it all have been an illusion? Did she really not feel when she was the one that gave me hope and happiness? I miss her so much?

 

[laurenE]

Its pretty hard to fake liking someone for as long as the two of you have been dating,  so I really think that she genuinely liked you alot, from what you have described. 

 Sometimes when we feel like a break up is going to happen,  we break it off ourselves first,  in order to take control of the situation and hope that it wont hurt as much by doing it ourselves.   I wonder if that is what she did... break it off before you had a chance to leave her.   This usually happens out of fear of being left and out of trying to avoid being hurt and rejected. Oftentimes we start fights in order to make it easier to break it off,  but in the end we find out that its never easy to break off a good relationship.

There is a good chance that the two of you will pick up where you left off once she can trust that you are not leaving.  That will take some time, as I am sure she will always have fear in the back of her mind that some day you will have to  leave London.  She may not ever want to leave London if her family is there, and dating a guy from somewhere else is a risk since often times wives have to go where the husbands work takes him.  Dating you would always make that a possibility since you grew up somewhere else.

I do wonder if she was simply afraid...afraid of her feelings, afraid of you walking away from her,  afraid of the unknowns of where the two of you will live later, ... and out of fear we often do impulsive things.

Give her time.  Give yourself time to prove yourself to be loyal and stable in your future career plans.  That is one thing that a girl often needs the most...stability...a stable environment,  a stable support system, a stable future,  stable income,  ... especially in this day of an instable economic world.

[Sole]

Oh Lauren. This news comes a bit late. I booked a ticket back home because my depression's become so bad. I thought if I got a job and showed i was staying it would change things. but even after I told her i had a job offer (which I got last Friday) she still told me she didn't see it working out. I leave on Sunday (my housemates leave for as holiday on Monday and she will be watching the cats) and fear this may be it? Have I made the wrong decision?

[sevenofwands]

Hello Sole:

No, Sole, don't panic.  You have not made the wrong decision.  ( I don't know where "home" is for you, or how far from the U.K.).

If, and when, this young lady decides to contact you, well she will, no matter where you are.  And if she does not want to do that, then she will not.  Maybe she is not interested in a long-term relationship, less so marriage, and perhaps she thought things were getting too serious on your part. 

I think that perhaps it was a little early to get into another relationship after the grim experience of your six year entanglement with the person you describe.  Evidently you were very traumatised if you ended up in hospital and severely depressed.   It takes quite a long while to get over that type of experience, and to become "yourself" again. 
I also think, reading your first post here, that you were aware yourself that perhaps it was not a good idea to get into another relationship so soon.

In this shrinking world people from different countries marry each other, well it would be very common here in Europe.  I myself am from one country, and my husband from another, and this would be true of many of our own friends. 
Another thing is that we have absolutely no way of knowing what the future will bring, even more so in the times we live.  Stability is really a mirage.  From my own experience I know that what looked like "stable" eight or ten years ago, now looks like it happened on another planet. 

It sounds like you are a young man, Sole, so there must be very many things you want to experience before you settle down. 
We often think we have met "the one" and years later looking back we wonder how on earth we could have thought such a thing. 

I wish you lots of luck, a good trip and happy times ahead.
Seven

[Sole]

We are both from South Africa, but she has a french passport which allows her to stay here. I just find it so hard to believe that what she felt was so platonic, and if so, what a fool I was for allowing myself to feel so much for her, to go out and give myself to her. I just miss everything about her so much. I know that I'll never meet someone like her again (maybe someone else) but something deep in me yearns for just her and everything about her. Thank you all for the advice, but I still feel as lost as ever. I am so sad that I'll leave this country and never hear or see her again. That all the times we shared are past and I felt I had so much more to share with her. It is just a long painful longing for someone that isn't there anymore.

[sevenofwands]

I can understand your sadness at what looks like the passing of this friendship.  But, who says she will not perhaps contact you again, maybe she will wish to have a friendship with you.  No doubt she has a contact number or address for you? 

Life is full of twists and turns, Sole.  Nothing is quite as it seems most of the time. 

All the best
Seven

[Sole]

today's not a good day. Went to have a few farewell drinks with friends last night. While out i heard that my housemate was at a party with her earlier. I completely shut down and my brother had to take me from there. My housemate says she's doing fine and although I'm happy it's killing me knowing that I leave back for South Africa tommorrow and she probably doesn't even care. I am praying so hard for a miracle. I just feel sick and am shaking constantly. I want to call her but don't know what I'd say or even worse she won't want to talk to me. I can't sleep and I've got this constant ringing in my ear that makes it impossible to watch tv or do anything. I'm terrified of every second ahead of me. Please God help!

[sevenofwands]

Hello Sole:

It is difficult I know, but do try not to panic.  Panic is a bad advisor!  If these panic attacks get really bad, I would strongly suggest that you visit a doctor and get something to get you through these first few days, your trip and the days afterwards.  You will find that little by little things will get into perspective.  You do not know what the girl is thinking, or what is on her mind.  As I say, she may well decide to contact you in due course (always assuming that by then you wish to speak with her or continue the friendship). 

Take care and have a safe trip tomorrow.
All the best
Seven

[Sole]

It's been a week back in SA and I have never felt more alone, more a stranger and more crushed than I do now. I haven't heard a single word from her and my grief gets worse by the day. I've been praying for just a message or just something. I miss her so much. I'm trying to get back to work, but even sitting here now I am tearful and can't think. I have never been so desperate for an answer, for a glimmer of hope than I am now. I feel sick all the time, have terrible dreams and the worst is there's noone to talk to about her. Noone that knew her here. I was meant to return here stronger and instead am in the worst shape I've ever been. Things are getting desperate and each day becomes more and more terriffying. I don't expect anyone to answer, but hope that maybe God will hear me and give me a miracle.

to the writer of Something dead inside me. I share your pain and I will be praying for you. I went through the same thing with my ex and we were very close to being engaged, but it was ultimately a destructive relationship and it seems I am still suffering. If you've read my post above, I do truly feel so sorry for you. My heart and my prayers go out to you my dear.

[laurenE]

A week isnt a very long time to be seperated, although it may feel that way to you.  She still has time to miss you.   

Go out with friends,  make new ones, and begin your life there in SA.   Dont waste your time sitting around doing nothing.  It wont bring her back any sooner and it wont make you any healthier of a person in case she does come back to you.

[sevenofwands]

I fully second what Lauren says. 

Sole, what is happening is that you are allowing this person to control your life from afar, indirectly.  Is that what you want?  You have a life in front of you.  Make friends, enjoy life, there is so much waiting for you. 

All the best
Seven

[sevenofwands]

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