new person-hurting alot

[Jap Jr]

flamingo

Feeling lonely and depression were/are there for me too, and I still do feel so alone without Jim. From talking to others, from people posting on here, I FORCED myself to get out. It was not easy and still is not. I have a very, very hard time with seeing couples when I am out; in church, at the store, even in my own family; they get to be together and happy and life goes on. I would go to the store, just for an excuse to myself, if even to buy a can of soup. It is not easy. People were calling alot for the 1st few months, now the phone does not ring. I have called others and said OK, now I am ready, but now they are "busy" with their own lives. Don't tell a person in grief that you will be there for them later, and not be. I have learned a new compassion for those in grief.

Going home after work and the weekends are the toughest for me too, as it's just me and the dog. I have been trying to walk every night. It seems to help and gets me to breathe! When I get those panick attacks, I need to take those deep breaths.

It is a different life we are entering; one I don't like, didn't choose, but here it is anyway.

As sunlilly suggested, is there a grief group in your area? I went to one called grief-share (can find online for one in your area) and a grief group thru the hospital. They both helped so much; to talk and share with others who know what you are going through. You can "let" your feelings out, can "fall apart" there, as they will be there to "pick you up". Just know that I care and am thinking of you.

Kay

[flamingofred]

thank you guys for your support.  Sometimes it does just help to just write things down here.
I appreciate your suggestions and may look into a support group, and I know that things take it's course just hate this stuff.

[flamingofred]

Well it's been 10 months since I lost Larry.  I can't believe that it has been that long.  It seems just yesterday he died in front of me.
I miss him so much.  There is so much that I want to share with him.  He accepted me for who I am.  He was a wonderful man, although i don't think that he realized how wonderful he was even though I told him.  He would have been so shocked to see all of the people who came to his services.

I waited so long for him to be in my life.  We didn't meet until we were in our late thirties and didn't marry until our late fourties.
He was my first boyfriend, hadn't met anyone worth spending time with until I met him.

I know that I have the lord with me but I really miss the intimacy that I had with him.  My doggies do help but they aren't him.

I miss him so much.  The pain is less as time goes on but the reality does hit, I know for sure now that he won't be coming back.

Love you honey.

[SoCal2010]

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm similar to you in that I'm older and still haven't found that special person. I never felt bad about that until my Mom passed away and I realized how alone I am. I won't ever find that special man, but I'll just have to live with it.

I'm glad you met Larry and that you both felt so loved by each other. That's a blessing.

[1wabbit1]

Flamingo, Your story is so sad, as is everyone's here, including mine. And our stories are similar. I'm still so fresh in my grief, going to be 4 weeks tomorrow. I hate to think how I'll be feeling tomorrow, where my mind and memories will take me. I wish I could sleep through it all.

Same as you, I've also lost a friendship through this short period. I think I know how you feel about it, too. It is so sad. Not only do we lose our loved one, but our friendships as well.

Fred and I also met later in life, and were together 12 years, well, 13 all together. I know what you meant when you said those 13 years were not enough. I wanted MORE, and still want MORE. Last night I told God to give him back to me, that he was MINE not His. He can have him back later, when we would go together.

Today I was walking outside on the west side of my building and looked up to where our deck is, and half expected Fred to hang over the edge and wave at me, like he used to do. He will never do that again, ever, and I'm so sad. Nothing in life will be the same again and I don't know I want to accept anything new.

[flamingofred]

Today for some reason i decided to watch the video of our wedding on April 21.07.  I watched it thinking that within 6 months ofour wedding he was diagnosed with bladder cancer but the prognosis was good.  On our first anniversary we were at the cancer center and he was having his 5 hour chemo treatment and then 5 months later he was dead.

Larry and i made our own vows and his were so wonderful. 

I remember about  amonth after we were married Larry was acting like a jerk and after we talked he said he was scaired , he was scaird that he was going to screw this marriage up like he did the others (he had been married to three other women) - I remeber telling him that we have already been toghether for 12 yrs and our roots iIIIIn our relationshiup were strong and nothing was going to tear us apart.  Well little did I know that the cancer was growing in him at that very time.  I will say that we have not been torn apart but i do miss him sooooo much.

It'll be eleven months this month,.

It had been hard but i will say that i am having more better days than bad days.

[Luvinmike]

Thinking of you Flamingo, sorry we are here missing our partners so much. I send you wishes for peace, some good days and strength in your low times.
Terri

[flamingofred]

In a little over a month it will be a year since Larry passed away.  I can't believe that it has been a year, where did it go. 
I still miss him so much, i remember all that we went through.  It all seems like a nightmare to me. 
The year has gone by but i wasn't really living i was just getting through each day. 

Now i think what is next in my path.

I don't really enjoy doing things because he isen't with me, i just do things to conitnue to live each day.

What is next I wonder.  I know that praying helps but I still wonder what is next.

[carrieset]

Flamingo:

It is amazing how quickly it goes by.  I am a few days shy of 8 months after losing Laurence.

It is almost surreal, but it is REAL.  It seems like yesterday that he died, yet it seems like forever ago. 

I, too, wonder what is next.  Where do I go from here???  After caregiving for him for so long, I'm still not sure what my role is in this new life.

I can emphatize with you.  It does seem like a nightmare, but I knew I was in the nightmare over 3.5 years ago when brain cancer stepped in.......

It is such a lonely existence for me now.

Peace to you,

Carrie

[Jap Jr]

Flamingo;

I am so sorry you are still hurting so much. Just getting through each day, like a robot is how I feel. I understand the missing of Larry and not enjoying to do anything. I just got back from a trip and it was worse coming home to that empty house; it was awful, not wanting to be home. I thought of Jim everyday and how much we should have been enjoying it together. It was wonderful to spend the time with all of my boys, and that brought me so much joy and happiness.

It will be 9 months tomorrow that my world stopped; it hurts alot. But, where does the time go? Did this happen yesterday? It sure feels that way. I didn't think I would make it past each month; there have been so many things that have happened. So many things yet unresolved with his kids. So many decisions yet to make about things. I still feel overwhelmed. I don't want this past 9 months, I want it to be 4 years ago, when we started to go out. It hurts.

I pray you will continue to have better days.

(((hugs))) and peace.

Kay

[browneyedgirl]

Thinking of all of you.....just so sorry that you are all hurting so much. 

(((((hugs)))))

[flamingofred]

As it gets closer to the year anniversary of Larry's death I am finding it hard to control the tears and sadness.
I just want to hold up in my house with my doggies and I guess wait for my death so I can join himl.

Am scaired of the future, but i do know that i have to continue to believe that God has a plan for me.

[teppuM999]

can definitey relate to fear of the future

the tree outside my apartment is now sporting yellowing leaves.
when matthew died, things were just fully greening up here.
what happened to the time?

[Jap Jr]

flamingo;

I could have posted word for word what you said, except it's Jim and I have 1 dog.

Peace and (((hugs))) to us all

Kay

[teppuM999]

I get so sad because I waited so long to meet him and we had such a short time.  He was such an amazing man, he was my soul mate that always accepted and loved me no matter what.

flamingo, i can so relate to that

sending you good thoughts