My loving boyfriend committed suicide five days ago. I simply can't go on.

[lilyflower]

My loving sweet boyfriend committed suicide 5 days ago. I can honestly say I loved that man, crazily in love with that man, deeply in love with him.
I am a  kind hearted woman with all the good intentions. But I am also a very needy woman who is subject to all women behaviors. But I can honestly say that I loved that man like no other.
He was a single dad who struggled his entire life. He was constantly questioning about his love toward his kid because he simply didn't feel the bond with his kid. He recently got laid off, and was suffering from extremely self doubt and low self esteem. He had to call me every second of everyday, and considered me to be his one last hope. As needy as I am also, I viewed it as "extreme romance", so needless to say, this relationship was doomed from the very beginning. Now thinking back, he probably needed a therapist, rather than a girlfriend. He had completely twisted self image because he simply didn't know how to live for himself. His own happiness depended on other people.
I cannot help feeling guilty, anger, disappointment, and mostly lost. I constantly tell myself, "If that day, I didn't say that to him, I said something else. maybe things would be different." We had major fights before, we always managed to kiss and make up. But this time, he chose to end it all.
Later on, I found out he had lots suicide attempts. He participated in an anger management program and failed miserably. He suffered from childhood abuse, failed relationship, many many hardship in life. He just couldn't take it anymore.
But I know that I loved him, and the time he was with me was the happiest time of his life. But he also suffered from severe depression - it was either bipolar depression or psychotic depression.
How do I cope with the great loss of my boyfriend even though that was a very unhealthy relationship. Thank you

[georgiapeaches]

Hi Lily,
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. You two sounded like you were so much in love, so sorry it ended that way. I'm glad you found this site though. Please come back and talk with us more. There are alot of people on the main page.
How is his child doing? does he have anymore family? I hope you are doing ok, this has to be a hard thing for you to handle . Your in my prayers, please come back and talk.

Georgia.

[sj1211]

lillyflower, I am so sorry that your boyfriend chose to leave this world by his own hand. You will quite likley need to seek counseling. The guilt you are feeling will have to be resolved. You did not 'do' this to him. Furthermore, I do not believe that you could have done anything to stop it.  It is obvious that he was mentally unhealthy and when that happens, it is the individuals responsibility to seek help. Others can encourage, but ultimatly it is your own responsibility. Maybe for now all you will be able to do is try to forgive him, and spend time reflecting on the nice memories that you have. I am so sorry. Please take great care to ensure that your mental and physical health stay as unaffected as possible. If that means counseling, by all means find a way to obtain it. Emotional health is very fragile at a time of grief, even in "the best of circumstances" suicide is certainly not on the list of 'best' circumstances. Realize how fragile you are right now and take very good care of yourself, I just cannot stress this enough.  Sending prayers.

[Luvinmike]

I agree with Georgia and sj- this was so much love for you and so much pain. I have been told enormous love creates enormous grief. You love therefore you hurt.
You could not have altered the relentlessness of his difficulties. please focus on the love you gave him, as that is a gift you both shared. my heart goes out to you as you struggle to accept the loss of your loved one.

 Please post on the Main board if you would like, as we are  here to listen and share in your grief with you. Sincerely, Terri

[Judy, Dougie's Mom]

I am so very sorry for your loss.

I really don't know what to say.........I do beleive that when our loved ones leave us that they become perfect and are in a perfect place.......free to soar to great new heights.

Sending strength to you for your journey

Judy

"MAKANA LIVES"
forever in my heart

[kat_246]

I am so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately no matter what i say you will have a load of guilt on you for a long time. Out of the blue my brother in law who i loved so much committed suicide. I have to be the strong one so I have yet to grieve. I will say to you that a healthy person can deal with the downs of life: loss, job stress, girlfriend boyfriend crap, baby its not your fault. You cant think about could i have done this or not of said that,  most likely this has been something in their head for a long time, i dont know. im dealing with the widow of my brother,,,, shes feeling guilt, i dont know what to say to her. but i try.

[lgespinoza]

I am very sorry for your loss.  My sister lost her boyfriend to suicide on july 5, 2008.  She also felt the guilt you are feeling, we all feel that guild, we all have those why questions that if's.  It is not our fault and well that it is not yours.   I would blame myself and I didn't care if the whole world was telling me that it wasn't.  I read a Book called No Time To Say Goodbye, I don't remember the author, but it is a great book, that helped me understand that it wasn't my fault.  I recommend you go to a Survivors of Suicide group, just search for them online and you will find plenty.  That is good that you found this page, because it will help you get the feelings out. 

Once again sorry for your loss and if you need anything we are here, I am here, and I understand what you are feeling.