A Grandmother's grief

[Grand-Dee]

How do you help your child who has lost her only child?

[georgiapeaches]

Hi grandee, I am so sorry, just that one line told me the pain you are in , so so sorry. I wish I could help you but I wouldnt even pretend to know how to. There is a child loss board you could go to with alot of very caring people, who can probably help you more with this thanI can. They are all very nice people and you sound like you really need someone to talk to, please dont hesitate to visit there. so sorry for your pain.

Georgia.

[Judy, Dougie's Mom]

(((Grand Dee)))

Hi, I am  Judy, Dougie's Mom and I am from the child loss board.  Welcome to this website and please know I am so so sorry you had a reason to find us, you have come to the right place.

As a Mom who lost a child all I can say, is just "be there".....you really don't even need to say anything, and if you feel you need to....I'm sorry.... says volumes.  Sometimes all we really want is quiet, to just be in the moment.  I remember wanting friends and family to be with me, but pushed them away, this is natural, please don't take it personally, we really don't know what we are doing or how to respond to our loss.  we don't want to eat, sleep, talk, shower, we are just numb.

This is something that we will NEVER get over.....please, please don't ever say that.  It is possibly the most offensive of all the things we hear.

We live in a world of panic an anxiety attacks that are beyond our control.  A gentle word or hug is very healing.  Make coffee, tea, soup, whatever.....try and understand the blank stares.  I know it is very hard for you, you have lost a grandchild and feel like you are losing your daughter.

Hold on tight and know, that it will get softer.

Sending strength to you and your daughter.

Love
Judy

"MAKANA LIVES"
forever in my heart

[Jeanneb]

I am so very sorry for your loss and so glad that you love your child so much that you are reaching out.

As a mom who has lost a child... just be there... don't forget the child's BD, angel date, they are very important.  Say their name... talk about them... let your child talk and most of all just listen.

As hard as it is, you can't fix this... nothing is what it was before, a part of the parent dies with their child... at least that is what I've experienced.  Just be there if you can and do little things if allowed... keeping things tidy, reminding us to have a few bites of food, maybe a shower, offer to go for a walk.  Don't take things personally... while we really want you around we might push you away.  We tend to take out our feelings on the people around us that we love the most.

This is a life journey not something that after a year settles down than vanishes into the background.  It is always in our foreground whether we let you know it or not.

It is something the parent never "gets over" and it is very hurtful, disrespectful and just flat wrong to say that phrase.... so please don't ever.

Oh please don't think I am being harsh I sure don't want to be... I just get passionate.  I think most of us here could write a book about this subject and each of us coming from different points in time on our journey.  My youngest son has now been gone for over 5 years.

The missing never stops.  Hold her, love her and keep letting her know you are there even if she pushes you away.

Best wishes and bless you...

Jeanne
Philip's mom forever
Bruce's sister

[Penny - Sean's Mom]

(((Grand-Dee)))

Your loving question speaks volumes about how much you care.  Thank you for reaching out and asking what is such a difficult question.

There is no one "right" answer but instead alot of "what worked for me" answers. 

The first few months after my son's death are still a blur but I do remember being so grateful when I didn't get "that look" when I started talking about him.  I needed to talk about him and I needed others to talk about him.  I wanted the rest of the world to remember that he was(is) still a very important part of my life even though he's forever 22.  I needed to talk about him - even if it was through tears.

I remember feeling that after the first few weeks when everybody was around and supportive all of sudden I felt very alone.  It felt like everyone else had gone on with their lives, but I wasn't ready to yet.  That was before I realized I'd never be the same person again, but instead a new version of who I used to be.   Don't expect your daughter to be the same.  Her world has been divided into a before and after world.  It takes some  getting used to and it takes some time before even she will realize what that means. 

Expect unexpected tears.  Expect unexpected laughter that dissolves into tears.  Remind her gently to take very good care of herself.  When she's ready, invite her to introduce herself and her angel to us here and on the Child Loss Board.  She'll find a very gentle place to land when she may feel no one else out there understands.

I am so sorry for your family's loss.  Please come back and tell us more about your grandchild when you feel comfortable.

Wishing you Peace...

Penny - Sean's Mom
Child Loss Board

[Karen Paul]

Grand-Dee

I'm so sorry for the loss of your grandchild and for your daughter's loss of her only child. I am not a parent and can't possibly add much to what the parents who have answered you here have said.. they have walked the path as I have not.. I think their words are wise..

I know when my brother and his ex-wife lost their only child 5 years ago they experienced their grief very differently and had very different ways of coping and dealing.. Christopher my nephew was also my parents' only grandchild as I have no kids of my own (infertility).

I know there are unique things that my brother experienced in having lost his only child - when Chris first died he said "I'm not a dad anymore" - this broke my heart - of course he is always Chris' dad even if Chris is no longer here - and your daughter will always be the mom of her child. But I think when the ONLY child dies there is that unique loss of all parenting - physical and emotional parenting - all of a sudden taken away - it leaves a huge hole..

I also know alot of parents say that if it weren't for their surviving children they don't know how they would go on - well parents who lose their only children have to find other reasons to go on - this may take a long time.. I know my brother took about 3-1/2 years to consciously make a choice to try to move forward and find some joy in life again and to find things in life worth pursuing..

There is no set of rules of course and every person takes their on journey. I would say what others here have said - talk about your grandchild - tell stories - remember birthdays and angel days and Mother's Day (that is a tough one) and holidays and perhaps find ways to incorporate your grandchild into these remembrances and these dates.. in a new way..

I'm rambling.. sorry - hope this is at all helpful..

luv and hugs, Karen
proud aunt of Christopher
12.1.86-11.12.03