Girlfriend needs time to find herself

[sharpie22]

Thanks for the advice Lauren, as always you are a great help in all of this.

Having not read this however, I decided to see my ex again tonight. This time though, it proved to be a very pleasant experience...

After going out with the boys to the rec I checked my phone after it had been sitting only to find out that I needed to pick up my stuff from her house and drop off my key to her apartment. I dropped off my buddies and headed over with some clothes so I could take a shower over there when I got over there.

I got in the door to her place and started playing with her puppy and I asked her if she wanted to hang out or if she wanted to just head to bed and me to just grab my stuff from her place. She said she had class early so we could only chill for a little, but she didn't mind if i took a shower cuz I was pretty nasty from playin ball.

Went up and took a shower and came out and she was just sitting on the bed playin with the pup. I went and sat down and we started to talk about some things. She revealed to me that the guy that she had kissed wanted to come down and see her some weekend in order to suprise her. We really got into the feelings that she had for him and now i really understand where that is all at. Her quote was, "I'm 90 percent sure that there is nothing there between us. I am already bored with talking to him and I don't think that he could ever make me as happy as you do." As we went on and talked I got a really good sense that she was starting to warm up to the thought of us being together some point coming up in the future.

I told her that i was wayyyyyyyyyyyy tired of any drama with all of this and that I just wanted to see where we can go without really planning it. I think that my words involved something like this,

        "You know when we first started seeing each other and we knew that we wanted to eventually be together, but we weren't quite ready to make a commitment? I want that back. I want back the feelings of being able to relax and have a night out with the boys whenever I want and you to have the same with your girls, but at the same time knowing that that other person is thinking about you and actually wants you and only you. Why can't we just go at this like that? No more planning and if we want to kiss eachother, then we kiss, if we don't then we don't. Thats how it was at the beginning and i know we rushed into being serious originally but i just want to take my time now."

The response VERY SUPRISINGLY to me was, "wow that sounds great".

As for the other guy coming down... I talked to her on the phone when I was back at my place tonight and she said that she kind of felt bad for having to break his heart and I reassured her that it would be alright. She wants to see him in person to tell him that she doesn't think that there is anything there, but at the same point she really doesn't want him to come down here because it would just be a waste for him to come down here and it would become awkward if he was sleeping on her couch at her place after she made that point clear to him. Not to mention she knows that if he came down here I would want to kill him. I had to promise her that I would tell her where I was if he came down so that I could avoid seeing him, but we will see how that goes, i have a feeling me and my rugby boys might be all over if he is out and about around here... All that i know that I won't do is show up at her door to see him over there because she would probably never talk to me again.

My words of advice after she told me she felt bad was, "well I'll just tell you one thing. Don't lead him on any more and you need to make it clear to him that you are not looking for anything before he wastes his time coming down here."

Oh yeah and I told her I would leave a note with a $20 dollar bill on her fridge for the guy that says "sorry for the wasted trip, here is some gas money so that you can get back to where you belong"...sincerely, Will

Think she is actually starting to realize what she is missing out on. Wow an amazing thought there.

Just thought you might want to know. I'll keep you updated if anything happens. Thanks again for all the help Lauren, have a great day!

[laurenE]

I hope things continue to go well for you. 
keep me posted!
enjoy your day!

lauren

[sharpie22]

Well its been a while since I posted on here so i thought I might update it a little bit. Since we last talked, the woman has come back and figured out that she doesn't really want to be with this other guy. Luckily nothing ever really happened between them, otherwise I would definitely not even think about getting back together with her. Although this guy is out of the picture and we are progressing into possibly dating again though, I am stuck at a bump in the road.

I have talked with her about her and this other guy and she has assured me numerous times that he is not the one for her and that they don't really talk anymore, yet I question it still a little bit. She has stated that her and him are almost hostile toward one another because she did not want to continue anything with him because she saw how much happier she really was with me. So he thought he was getting led on and understandably he is a little bit upset about that. My deal though is that if she is to get back with me this guy has to disappear completely and they can't be talking anymore. I don't think that that is too much to ask and frankly if it doesn't happen that way, then there is no way of us being together.

Here in lies the problem however. She tells me to my face that she doesn't have any feelings for this guy and that he is off of her mind, yet constantly she is checking her myspace (which she never used before this) every day because that is her mode of communication with him. She is looking at his profile on facebook and myspace every day and I am seriously wondering how she can not be thinking about him but yet still be doing these things. I am not supposed to know about this however, i have a feeling that if I asked her about it she would accuse me of not trusting her and checking up on her. I know also that she is still messaging him too because I looked at the history of her internet browser and could see his friend ID being messaged this morning even while I was still asleep.

Yet, everything else seems dandy.

It is just like it used to be with her, the same feelings between us like it is perfect.

What do you think is the best way to approach this problem without me seeming like the bad guy for looking up her history a bit? I just want this guy to be completely gone, and it doesn't seem like that is happening. I can't move forward with a relationship with her until that is done, and I definitely can't trust her until he is gone for SURE. I have a feeling that if I ask her again about her talking to him, she is just going to deny it and say that I am not trusting her.

Thanks again lol,
Will

[laurenE]

Hey Will,

Good to hear from you.   Your expectations are not too much to ask.  She needs to completely let go of this guy if she is to have a health relationship with you.  A girl can't have 100% of her devotion, heart, or energy in one guy, when she is still in contact with another.   So again,  you are not asking for too much.  If she can't do this, then its time  for you to fly.

I would come out and ask her if she is still in contact with him.  If she admits it, then  I would request that she not be in contact with him anymore,  in any way, shape or form.   No txt, no calls no myspace or facebook.   If she refuses, then she is not ready to be devoted to you the way a girl should be to her man and you need to walk away from this relationship.

If she denies that she is in contact with him, then I would say "so if I checked your myspace or history,  it would be clear of all info?"  and then I would demand that she show you the proof,  right then and there.   because you need it in order to move forward into this relationship.   If she has a problem with this, then she obviously has something to hide,  which we already know.     

If she tries to play the "you dont trust me"  card,  then tell her that you dont.  Not right now until the two of you can have several months of time of her not being in contact with him.   Its ok.   Its normal not to trust someone who wanted another guy just a few wee ks ago, and certainly normal to want  to check or have proof. 

Usually in counseling we say that if the person can maintain good behavior for 9mos to a year,  without major screw ups, then its ok to stop checking and let your guard down.   


  Personally I think she is still attracted to this guy ,at least emotionally.  Otherwise she would not need to be checking her myspace.   

You are a smart guy Will.  You are right on target with your expectations with her.  Dont doubt yourself,  no matter how much she uses the tears.   You deserve someone who is good to you and is trustworthy and nothing less than that.

Good to see ya,
Lauren