hello im a 20 yr old female. I currently am in a GREAT relationship but i am here because i lost my forst love form age 14 to 17 ..to a senseless murder in 2007. We hadn't taled for about 2 yrs but right before he passed we mended all our problems and issues but then that friday he was suddently taken from us, it was 4 days after his 21st birthday. I went thru a period of time not being able to eat or sleep, i had dreams about him trying to get me to come where he was [death.. i assume] and i had dreams he killed all my male friends i was dating or he'd be in the rearview mirror lookign at me sad. then i dreamed he was dead in my dreams.. i even had a chill go down my back and heard a voice say "he never loved u anyway" ..so i went thru a phase of depression. I dropped out of school, and i turned soo cold towards everyone but especially men, i went thru a phase where i became a little bit promiscues ..idk why but i never could gain any feelins even though i knew the men really cared for me. i was withdrawn and i cried every day.. things jus kept gettin bad as i heard more details of the crime and the fact his killer was on the run in another country. then i got a word in church, it said dont let circumstances in ur past keep u from a happy life, everyone is in ur life for a season, but dont be scared to love again.. i kept that in mine but i didnt understand it, i was talkin to a guy and i figured it applied to him but i jus couldnt get into him, then on christmas day 2007 i met "him" ..and almost instantly i knew he was the one for me. i loved him ..and for me to love a guy took alot. i feel if for no other reason , that he was definetly sent from heaven to help me know that i could love again. we had our share of ups and downs, but i feel everythin we went thru truly made us stronger, and i know we an work thru it all. but i was still paranoid, ike when he doesnt call when he gets home or texts me after away i become scared because..my 1st love was textin me when he was running to get away but he ended up gettin shot execution stlye... its still hard for me to believe he is dead.. he was 21! but i know age do not matter.. i have made up in my mind that he is under protective custody somewhere.. or this is a dream.. but i jus looked him up and its has his dte of birth and death date.. but i couldnt go to his funeral or to his wake.. i never say his toomstone.. i jus cant. i cant accept it .. i guess im in denail still but thats the only way i can get on..plus the help of my fiance' ..but i also felt myself feeling guilty for loving another man, but i am so happy..we;re planning on kids and living our life together. but am i wrong to move on when he is in a grave? or would he want me too? my fiance' said he wouldnt want me stopping my life and i dont want to either ..this is the first time i can truly say im happy..since all this occured[/font]
"let go and let God"
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