An Introduction

[java]

I'm not sure if "Start a New Topic" is where you go to post an introduction, but I'm going to give it a try.

My mother died three weeks ago.  She was in the later stages of Alzheimer's disease.  I had cared for her for the past 8 years.  She was almost 90 years old - and had had many close calls.  I should have been prepared - but I'm woefully unprepared.

I feel like a manic depressive.  In the manic phase - I feel strong and sure and ready to take on the world.  Then, with lightning swiftness, the depressive stage arrives and the tears flow - and I second guess every decision I had to make for her.

I don't even know who to miss - the mother of most of my life - a wonderful, warm, caring, unselfish best friend - or the person left (still dear, still precious, still loved) after the ravages of this awful disease. 

I fought so hard for her life - the drs. and hospital personnel seemed not to value the life left to her.  She had told me nothing more specific than she "didn't want to linger." To me, that didn't exclude feeding or antibiotics which are non intrusive - but this last hospitalization as they repeatedly asked - "Can she...? Does she...?" and the answer was repeatedly "No she can't.  Or, No she doesn't" I thought that I had not done the right thing.  I don't know what I should have done - I don't know what to do now.

[lostwithouthim]

Don't tread the paths of ' what if's ', ' should I have ' or ' could have ' .  They'll only bring you more questions and despair.
You did the right thing. You loved her ,cherished her , tried to help and keep her healthy and safe.  You did all you could.
You grieve her for all the she was and who she was. Yes the Alzheimer's changed her and made her a different person . But she was still
your mother. You still caught the glimpses of who she once was.my grandmother has Alzheimer's and we still get glimpses of who she once was. Very fleeting glimpses BUT glimpses all the same. Taking care of someone with Alzheimer's is hard and so heartbreaking when you see how breaks them and changes them.

Grieve for who the disease robbed her of  being  and you of. Grieve for the loss of her all together. 
My granny is a frail little old lady and is as sweet as she can be. She is like a child. Just like a child trapped in elderly ladies body. She has to be feed her diapers have to be changed . Its like she has been become a different person that is totally dependent upon us.

I think I understand what you mean when you say you don't know who to grieve for.
I can't help but feel that grieving for all of her. Every part of her life who she was and who she became is appropriate.
 

[mother76]

I've also often wondered if I could have done something different for my dad. Maybe I should have insisted he go to one of these specialty cancer centers? How could the doctors have missed a grapefruit size tumor in his liver? Was it really pain free for the doctors to stop giving him liquids/to allow him to die? I've never allowed myself to dwell on these questions for too long, I know it would only cause more pain and heartache.
The thing i have been certain of through all of this is that when he died he went home, as we all will. No more earthly pain and suffering for him, just for us poor mortals he left behind! I believe that after death there will be a great reunion with others who have died and more importantly a wonderful feeling of calm warm love that will be greater than anything we could experience on earth.

[sissylewis]

I am sure you did everything you could. I think now of a million things I could have and should have done for my mom.  It sounds like you took great care of yours.

My mom passed away November 14.  During her illness, one doctor seemed to dismiss her descriptions of her aches and pains.  He attributed them to old age, beginnings of dementia...In short, he treated her with disrespect. During her illness, he was the only healthcare person who acted in this manner.  I am angry about this, and will not tolerate the same treatment for my father.