My Mom Vicki

[zev723]

My name is Zach, I'm 23. I lost my mom to esophageal cancer on June 22.

We hadn't seen each other in 3 years before she was diagnosed, and spoke only on holidays. My childhood was chaotic at best. Its far too much to explain here, but there was plenty of drugs, alcohol and mental abuse to go around. I also have a 15 year old brother and 12 year old sister, who were living with her when this all started.

I called her one day on my way to work, with a weird feeling of wanting to just check in with her. That was when she dropped the bomb that she had cancer in her esophagus. She had a doctor's appointment later that day to let her know how bad it was. While I was never told what stage it was in (my family tends to shield children from truth), my mom's case was extraordinarily unique; less than 100 cases of it have been seen in the U.S. before. Her cancer formed at the center of her esophagus, instead of the typical top or bottom. This required her esophagus to be removed completely.

I flew up to Seattle from Las Vegas in April, a few days before her surgery. To add to the stress of the situation, my grandfather was also there, whom I hadn't seen or spoken to in 5 years. (He didn't agree with my "lifestyle choice.") So many emotions were tied up in that airport when they picked me up. We spent the next few days together, doing fun things and going out to eat. Then, as per the usual, Mom and I got in a fight the night before her surgery. I had gone to my dad's against her wishes for a stress reliever, and since she still treated me like a teenager, started harassing me for it and we ended up arguing, the last conversation we had alone before she couldn't speak the same anymore. I will never regret anything more.

The next morning she went in for her 4-hour surgery which lasted 8 hours instead. When the doctors came out, they let us know how it was more serious than they had anticipated, and that essentially they had taken the best step to prolong her life, but not save it. Finally I knew what stage her cancer had been in. I had to go home to Las Vegas a few days after.

Things went downhill and two months later I was back in Seattle for another surgery. They had to put something in her airway to keep it open because the cancer was a huge tumor, wrapped around her windpipe. It was delayed two days, the reasoning being that the first stint was too big, the cancer was growing too fast. Really I just think they knew she wasn't going to make it and wanted to wait and see instead of wasting their time. Finally they did it but we knew it was already too late. I had to go home and finally, finally, had to say goodbye to my mom. I will never forget that day.

A week later my grandfather called me. When I answered, his voice was shaking. The first words out of his mouth were, "Zach, it's Papa. Are you with a friend or somebody else?" I said, "Yes, I'm with a friend." He said, "Okay. Zach... I'm sorry, son... its time for you to come back. She's not going to last until tomorrow. I'll call you later to let you know what time your plane is." A few hours later I was on a plane to Seattle. It was Friday.

I spent Saturday with my family. My grandfather told me I could come to the hospital to say goodbye if I wanted, but she wasn't going to hear me, she was in a coma. I had already said my goodbyes and declined to return to the hospital.

The next day, Sunday June 22 2008, I was at my great-aunt's house when he called again. "Zach, it's Papa. Are you with someone?" I said, "I'm at Aunt Laura's, but she's in her room, I'm alone. What is it?" There was a pause. "Zach... your mom is in heaven now."

I had been waiting for those words for months, so I took it okay. The family gathered for pasta, alcohol, and memories. I helped plan the service, spoke at the funeral, and was a pallbearer at the cemetery, doing my honor as her son.

Its been six months since then. I haven't been dealing well at all. Depression, which I am already prone to, has taken over. I feel dead inside. My heart is broken. My friends all tell me I'm not the same. I know I'm not the same. You never are after something like this. And I love my friends, but they just don't get it. I need help. I need support. I don't know what else I need.

And so I turn to these boards for your help, your support, and anything else you can provide. I will, of course, respond in kind to all of you.

Thanks for listening.

[tsurandy]

Zach, I am so sorry.  You lost your mother too early in your life.  I know what you are going through, I lost my Mama in Sept of this year, but I had her until i was past my 52nd Birthday and for that I Thank God.  Remember that it is okay to cry, it is okay to feel like nothing makes sense, but remember that you have to go on and live your life.  Hugs to you, my thoughts and prayers go out to you.

[nancy/Patricks mom]

zach
i am sorry for the loss of your mother i lost my 20 year old son last christmas and 4 months later lost my mother so i know the pain you feel it will take some time but keep busy you might need to go on some anti depressants i did call your local church they usually have grief counciling i have heard that hospice has free councling but you need to talk about it this site is wonderful i work with elderly people and i have found they help me more than anything just being around them and being able to talk about things also you might want to keep a journal and write your thoughts down it just takes time