5 weeks since my Brother and his wife died

[Sara09]

about 5 weeks ago my Brother and his wife died in a car accident when they did me and my mom got custody of their daughtermy 1 yr old niece and everyone keeps calling me mom even though they know i am not her mom even they day of the funeral they were calling me momma and it bugs me so bad because I am not her mom and she will know that i am not her mom I may have not like her mom but she is still my nieces mom. even though she is not here anymore. I don't know what to tell them just go on and act like I never heard them say that or to tell them off. everyone keeps telling me that i am going to be her new mommy and i will have to care for her i am not even out of high school yet i graduate this year and I was looking forward to going off to college and i won't get to know because my niece doesn't have anyone to take care of her during the day after i graduate right now she is going to daycare but only until i graduate then i will have to stay home with her. well we are on thanksgiving break and she is sick and cant go to daycare and I don't want to stay home with her because i want to sleep in at least 1 day and everyone is calling me selfish. Especially right now with the holidays coming around i just need a day to myself i haven't had a day to myself since the accident my mom has had 2. is that wrong of me to want time to myself all i am asking is this one day?

[laurenE]

I think its alot to ask of you to raise a baby at your age,  not even out of high school yet.   It should be your mother's job to raise her, if she is capable,  while you continue on with your education.   Your mother is the selfish one, not you.   

I do encourage you to go to college right after high school.  Some colleges have free day care for students,  as there are alot of college students with kids of thier own.     

If you end up having to raise this child,   having a college education will be the best way to help you provide for the two of you,  as college educations tend to gain the best paying  jobs.  Do not sacrifice an education just b/c you now have your niece.  That would be the worst thing for the two of you.

Remember everyone is grieving in your family, so maybe moods are angrier and more selfish right now.   I am sorry they seem to have forgotten that you are also grieving.  Hoepfully this attitude that you have to do all the work will go away soon.   If not,  maybe you should spend the night with a friend once in awhile just to get away from all of your responsibilities.   Or go away to church camp whenever that opportunity comes up,  or maybe even go away to college.  Thats what I had to do.  We all need our free time and our fun time.     You DO deserve that. 

I am so sorry you are in this tough situation.   i hope you keep writing here.

lauren

ps.  YOU get to decide what you want your niece to call you,   not anyone else.  Your family sounds quite controlling. 

[kevinjj]

Sara, I am so very sorry for the loss of your brother and his wife and I am sorry you are being forced into the role of a parent. Legally, you are still a dependent minor and it is not your duty or obligation to be a parent. I think you need to tell everyone immediately you are not "mommy" and will not be mommy. The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to end it. Your mother is the guardian/custodian, not you so go on and live your life for you. You are not obligated to care for your niece and nobody should expect you to. Go to college and if obstacles are put in your way by your family to prevent that, enlist in the Air Force or Coast Guard and leave. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

[friedgen]

I am so sorry for your pain.  My husband was killed in a motorcycle accident Aug. 6 of this summer.  It has not been long.  He left behind a brother, mother his children and I .  I have seen his mother morn for the loss of her first born and seen the immense pain his brother feels.  It is so extremely hard.  Your mother should grieve, but it is her responsibility to take care of her grandchild right now.  I know my kids are finding great strength from the extra attention and homework help given by their grandmother.  My kids are 10 and 13, but she is still really working at helping them cope with losing their dad, her son.  Your mom needs to remember that child needs grandma so much right now.  You are young and it will do much better for you to be a kid and go to college and finish growing up.  I am sure your brother would want that for you.  Your mother should want that for you.  You also have a great deal of your own pain you need to deal with so you can live out your life.  Work on healing yourself.  I know it still kills my brother-in-law to not have his brother, they were like peas in a pod.  Lastly, do not let anyone refer to you as mom.  If I had been on the motorcycle with my husband and was gone now, I would be furious to have anyone else referred to as mom with my kids.  I have always told them I am their only mom, even when I go.  I think your sister-in-law would want her child to remember who her real mom is.  Do that for your sister-in-laws memory, because someone has to speak for her.

So sorry again,
Friedgen