Not really sure what I'm here for. Lost 15 y/o.

[fuckedintrovert]

I recently migrated from an ultra conservative country to Canada. The change has been raping my mind and has made me an awkward introvert in this liberal society. I find that I am constantly marginalized by my classmates, and nowadays waking up in just painful. I have no friends and nothing really to make me live for. I have thought about suicide and I just told myself to give it some time. I don't really think I'll do it becuase I don't have the strength to selfishly die and cause extreme agony to my mom and dad. I thought of jumping off if I ever get around to do it. Blood makes me squismish. I find that I am often at crossroads between my morals and me alligning with my classmates. There are days when I am included in the crowd and I feel good but then these days my morals are compromised. I fear that I'm heading for Caulfield's fall. The one where one isn't permitted to hit the ground. I fear that I'm losing myself in this diverse country.... I probably just need someone to talk to personally. I get that a lot when I try to talk to people. I try to talk to people about my problems and they tell me that I need to talk to somebody. FUCK. People just want to stay by the sidelines and watch you degenerate so that they can just drop flowers by your coffin and whisper sweet bullshit at the funeral. The problem is... most days I think I'm normal, and sometimes my own thoughts scare me. If you met me, you'd find me shockingly insecure and abnormal.. I'm just going to stop here, I'm just rambling now.

[grainofsand]

Let me just say for a 15 yr old, you sound pretty amazing to me.
Aren't all 15 year olds suppose to be shockingly-_______....(fill in the blank )

I am sorry that you feel so displaced in your new home.  That is understandable when you have such huge changes when you are nearing adulthood.  I too was moved from USA to a desolate country (we had no electricity there) when I was 15 as well.  In time, I learned to love it and even was sad when I had to move back to the USA.  So give it some time, you probably are one who just needs some time before you feel comfortable to accept some of the changes.  Then perhaps you will see that life is actually offering you a great adventure.

When one talks of suicide, is usually when people tell you "you need to talk to someone" as most of us feel helpless and uncomfortable when we run into people like that.  I hope you know they say "talk to someone" they mean "a professional Dr." and not "someone else, just not me".  Please when people offer that suggestion to you, don't take that as a negative, but as a compass to where your thoughts are leading you.  Out of the abundance of thoughts in our heart, our mouth speaks...others are just hearing something they know is not healthy.  You lived with these thoughts for awhile and might of got use to them..and they might have become a way of life now for you.  Most people don't want to just sit on the sidelines and wait till one does irreversible damage to themselves...that is why we say...you need to talk to someone..meaning..."Go..you need to see someone who is trained in this field..they can help you...I cant"

Give it time....you are so young..there is so much life a head of you.  Talk to your parents, if you can.  Go to a school counselor, a priest...someone you can trust that will help you find the balance you are desiring in your life.  Can you do that?  I know you don't like where you are otherwise you wouldn't of posted here.  See..deep down you want to change...try...ok? 

[sevenofwands]

Hello Introvert: 

I can only second everything that Grainofsand has said in her post.  It is quite possible that your school or college can provide some counselling, that "someone to talk to", who should be a professional.  It will help to discuss your concerns with him or her.   

You sound older than 15, if I may say so. 

Best wishes
Seven

[georgiapeaches]

Dear introvert, Thank you, I have a 15 year old son and have no idea what he might be thinking or feeling or might be getting from his classmates or peers. But you have showed me how hard he just might have it and how hard it might be for him to talk to me. I always try to get him to talk to me forgetting that whenI was a teen I didnt want to talk to anyone, I would only hope that he would reach out for help if he really needed it. I do also agree with grainofsand, especially being the parent of a 15 year old, we just want to see you get help from a professional because we cant help you, not because we dont want to. Good Luck to you and Thanks again for the insight.

Georgia.

[fuckedintrovert]

Thanks random people... i thought about grainofsand's words, and i have started seeing the school counsellor (sp?)... she said that it's a case of cultural shock and I might never get over it or I might get over it in a couple of years or so. After I wrote my desperate cry a  couple of weeks ago, I found this book at the library called The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I encourage you all to read it.... it might help you get a perspective of what I'm facing (or today;s youth in general.) Thanks for your thoughts and the time you took. Best wishes. Peace.

[Annie1973]

Dear Grain of sand,
You are without a doubt, my newest hero!

[i12thrive]

Hi< introvert,

I'm glad to read that you're talking to someone. That book sounds really good. I think I am a combination intro/extrovert. In fact, I'm a highly sensitive extrovert, and this isn't always so easy, either! LOL!

I've had my brushes wih suicidality. And I can tell you,
1). Hurting yourself is not worth it.
2). Life can definitely get a lot better.
3). You are a worthy, likable human being just as you are.

i12thrive

[patty]

I love your nickname, at least you have a sense of humor.  So which country did you move from?  I´m not living in my own country so know about culture shock.  Yes, am sure where you are is so clickity click, got to be on the ball, say the right things, be politiacally correct and for heaven´s sake don´t appear to be emotionally needy, that will drive them away in hoardes.  Isn´t it terrible?  It is so lonesome.
     It is so important to have somebody to talk to (and not at $ per hour).  Oh yeah, I´ve been told several times I should go to a shrink.  Sure, as if anybody in this country could relate to me, ha ha. 
     I do have a few friends but pretty much stay within the "guidelines" when I talk to them.  I know what the boundaries are. 
     My old best friends are all on line, I can really "talk" to them.  Do you have friends from back home? 
     Well, it´s late.  I noticed your name and it made me laugh so thought I´d reply.  Hang in there and don´t let the turkeys get you down.  That´s an old expression but still a good one.  Bye