hlanski
Newbie
Posts: 1
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« on: November 06, 2008, 04:36:22 PM » |
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Hi this is my first message.
I'm here because there are some things that I need to talk about with other people that seem to never get into everyday conversation. First, I know that I am very blessed- had everything I needed, was given lots of opportunity- and recognize my situation is not the worst of people's experiences. That being said I still can't seem to let go of the pain.
It has been about a year and half since my mother died. She died of kidney failure, and I have been slowly getting through it. It however has been a dual journey of grieving.
As a small child there were multiple deaths in my family. When I was age 4 my grandmother died of a stroke, when I was age 5 my aunt died of complications of a chronic disease, when I was age 6 my father was killed by a drunk driver, and when I was age 8 my great uncle (more or less my "grandpa") died of cancer.
Due to screwed up family circumstances, after my father died - his entire family was cut off, my grandmother stopped talking to me, I was not really allowed to go to his funeral. I have insight now to why all that stuff happened, it was my parents wrong decisions-so okay, I've done my best to get over it.
With all of that, the thing I'm stuck on is something I feel bad even bringing up.
When all of those people died, my mother was really the only one left that cared. I know that she cared for me deeply- we stuck to each other for a long time. She never got over those deaths and became mentally ill. She and her brother and sister did not really talk. So we were essentially alone. We would go over and over the losses, try to have a Christmas when everyone in the family is gone- she would encourage me to remember the good things and there were a lot of good things, truly there was.
But this is it. So many of the people died, my family and sometimes I feel like there wasn't anyone to look out for me, to be interested in me other than my mother. I have no brothers or sisters. Our social whatever you want to call it keeps people from interfering in other people's families or too busy to be involved in other people's families, so I has been a very long time of independence for me. When they died I was going to baby sitters houses- switching every 2-3 years- even more loss.
I have never known how to talk about my family. People will walk up to me and tell me about all of their family get togethers, weddings, Christmases, showers growing up and then go into what they are doing now. There weren't really any for me that didn't end up feeling again about the loss if just by the elephant in the room- they were always just my mom and me. Now, without the family I am afraid and do not want to have children, yet another generation without family.
Now my mother is dead. I only have intermittent conversations with my mom's brother and sister, never have really gotten to know them, but they are nice enough to me when we do visit (2 x a yr)
I struggle still with listening to other people talk about their families, end up feeling like a chump. Internally I'm angry at times- I do want to answer back with my story- but my story is sad- it's hard to rework sometimes. I never do tell people, anymore. I have figured out how to redirect to the good stuff I'm doing the fun, the food, the art, the greater picture. But I get resentful, I want for once someone to think about what they are saying to someone who has no family before they say it. But that feeling- man- It sounds so terrible to say. I know it drives me further away from people. Most of the time- there isn't time to explain how I feel or why I feel the way I do. So I try to go back to being happy, but feeling alone inside- wishing to be included again as family.
Does anybody feel the same?
Thanks for reading, Hlanski
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