Grieving for the lost dreams

[myownfault]

I made the choice to leave my husband earlier this year, and it's one of the best choices I've ever made. I thank God every day that I'm not with him, and I thank God every day that I never had kids with him.

I want kids. I want a family. For seven years, my ex stonewalled me and gave me the "we aren't ready" excuse. He actually told me at one point that we could start trying on a specified date, and then when that date rolled around, reneged on what he'd said.  As our marriage deteriorated, I came to the realization that I couldn't have children with him, and that it was hurting me to stay married to him.

My identical twin sister announced her pregnancy right around the time I decided to leave my ex. She had the baby yesterday, and I can't stop crying. I can't stop hurting. I can't help the feelings that I've lost what I wanted so much... my family. I should be happy for my sister (her first child and and my first niece!) but I'm not. I can't. I've tried, and I can't.

I know I'm selfish. I know I need to get over it. I know this is stupid petty jealousy. I know that "this too shall soon pass". The rational part of my head is screaming this.

But my heart won't let me stop crying.

In every other area of my life, I'm happy.  I've moved on, I love my new job, I have new friends, I'm seeing a wonderful, gentle man who appreciates my need to go slow and who is careful with my heart. He doesn't push me, doesn't ask me for anything, and allows me to be me and to grieve.

But I don't know how to heal this. I've tried a therapist, and she commiserated by telling me how something similar happened to her--she and her husband suffered a miscarriage right around the time her brother and his wife had a child. I asked her how she got over the feelings of grief and jealousy. She answered that she had her daughter.

Yeah, that's helpful.

Because of where I am at in life now, it will be a few years before I'll be able to have a family. I'm going back to school, and I don't want to have a child while I'm in school--I want to focus on finishing my education, something my ex didn't want me to do.  But I'm already almost 30... I feel like I'm running out of time. I never wanted to be an older mom, and while it's preferable to not being a mom at all, I'm angry because I should have had my kids now.

I thought I had it all. I thought I had an ex who wanted a family and promised to take care of everything so that I could be at home and raise our family. I've lost all of that now, and it was my dream for so long that I don't know how to get over it.

I knew that when my sister had her baby, I'd take it hard... I just didn't know how hard.

I hate this feeling and I want it to go away, but I don't know how to make it go away.

[sevenofwands]

Dear MOF (although I should say nothing is your fault, so don't beat yourself up).

You are fortunate to now be out of a marriage that was not going anywhere.  You were unfortunate to meet and marry a man who had no empathy and not a whole lot of feeling for you, and who sounds like a "controller".   Now you are in a position to fulfil your dreams, go back to college, build the life you want.  Perhaps it is a blessing in disguise that you had no children with your ex, as he may well not have been father material, and you would really have had a problem then....
You had the strength to move on, and you sound like a woman who can take a lot in her stride.  Of course it was normal to feel tearful on seeing your sister's new baby.  You would have been a stone if you hadn't.  You will be glad to see your little niece thrive and glad too for your twin sister.

Forgive me, but I had to smile when you mentioned your age.  So lucky to be so YOUNG.  You do have time to have children, perhaps if you marry in a couple of years.  You'll still be only 34!!
I know you maybe do not want to be what is called an older Mom, but the number of ladies I know who have children at 43 or 44, you would not believe.  My Mom was 35 when she had me, her first, and that was quite a time ago, I can tell  you, and rather unusual in those days.  But nowadays many women do not marry till they are already 30....

The feeling will go away, mof, just give yourself a few days.  The new niece has I think triggered feelings of anger - not about this happy event - but about the time your ex made you waste. 

All the best
Seven

[sevenofwands]

I found this:

Forty is the new 20 when it comes to having babies creating a distinct trend with a host of positives for women who delay motherhood including living longer than those who give birth at young ages.

When my son was three-years-old, he and my husband went out to buy the weekend newspapers. One Sunday, as they approached the store, a gentleman crouched down to my son's level and said, "It's so nice that you're taking your grandfather out for a walk." Not vain, my husband was unperturbed by the comment and the incident has become a family joke. Yet I, and many older moms I've spoken with, keep ears perked, ready to deflect any "you're the grandmother" comments or insinuations.

Think you're too old to have a baby...you're probably not. Just ask first time moms Halle Berry who gave birth at 41, Jennifer Lopez who had twins at 38, or one of your friends. In 2006 one in every twelve first babies was born to a woman over 35. When you look at women having babies regardless of whether or not it's their first child, one in seven babies were delivered by women 35 or older.

Women are in no rush to marry or have children. In the mid to late 1950's, the median marriage age for women was 19. Today it's 25, but many women wait much longer to marry and have babies. Reproductive advances give women a security blanket on waiting. The surge in births to older women tells us that they are exercising that option. The National Center for Health Statistics states that in the 24 years between 1980 and 2004, the number of women giving birth at age 30 has doubled, at age 35, tripled and after age 40 has almost quadrupled. Forty is the new twenty.

Waiting with good results

In her book, "Ready: Why Women Are Embracing the New Later Motherhood," Elizabeth Gregory, director of the Women's Studies Program at the University of Houston discovered that older mothers are usually more emotionally ready to cope with parenting. Gregory says that "many older mothers have met their career and personal goals so they can and want to focus on family." Life experience is a boon in terms of translating work experience into running a household

http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/blog/singletons/200810/forty-is-the-new-20-having-babies

[laurenE]

myownfault,

I hope you find peace and contentment in your situation soon.

Let us know how you are doing

lauren

[georgiapeaches]

mof, I had a miscarriage around the time my sister-in-law gotr pregnant and I was so jealous it nearly killed me, but it passes and it will pass with you. Feel good that you did the right thing with your ex and maybe sevens right, maybe it was a blessing in disguise that you didnt have children with him. dont beat yourself up so much. My mother had me at 43, the older you get the more patient with children you get (just my opinion) you have plenty of time.

Georgia.