the candle is put away

[laurenE]

I couldnt do it this year.   I just couldn't face the pain anymore.  So I put away the candle that I light for mom.  And I hung her ornament on the back of the tree so that when I look at the tree I am not constantly reminded that she is gone.     Its funny that I can say that now.  It used to be that those words were constantly running through my mind "your mom is dead,  your mom is dead",  and now I find that my memory has to be jogged a little,  with ornaments,  before I  really  "in my face" remember.    Maybe thats progress and growth,  I don't know.  It makes me feel a big guilty though.   

The pain  of grief is a distant memory now.  The fear of it is not.   When I think about loosing gpa,  or anyone else I love,  I can't remember how devastating grief is.   Yet I fear loosing someone else, almost daily.    What if this person is killed and I dont find out til the funeral is over.   or What if this friend decides to leave me.   I hate what loss can do to a life.   Its a life long change.

[Irene]

Hi Lauren,

   It's ironic, that I was working on a reply to you, and then got called away, and now when I went to send it, the message was lost(timed out). It's like someone is trying to say to me,"Feel Lauren's frustration!!" 
   What I had tried to say was that, in some ways I understand your feelings of pain and loss with regards to your mother, and in some ways, I will never truly understand. My mother and I, did not have a perfect relationship, especially in the teen years, but I always knew where I stood with her.
  I wonder sometimes if part of your guilt and pain is due to never having the chance to resolve issues with your mother and her abuse. I don't think that this was ever your fault.
    As far as not remembering how devastating grief can be, is that a survival tactic? I know I would be using it ; ) . I hate what loss can do to a life too. I know that when I was younger, my parents always seemed to be heading to this funeral or that one. I think that they just got used to death and saying goodbye. As an adult, I realize that this is never as easy as I thought it would be. There will be a day, when we will have to deal with fresh grief again. I know now, where I can turn, and I hope you realize that I(we) will be there for you too.