Unable to cry

[br0ken]

God where to begin. When my wife and I first met it was wonderful. You can even say that our coming together was by divine intervention. A story I wont reveal less reveal myself further increasing my paranoia. The first time we met on sort of a date, at the time she was seeing someone else and I didn't know, but it was one of the best days of my life because I had known her previously through a mutual friend and was smitten with her instantly and to be in her presence was bliss. When we parted I decided that it would be my lifes goal to make her fall in love with me and marry her. Of course at the time I was in my first year of High school and her, her last year of middle school. By some strange stroke of luck she went out with me. I spent the first month or so not so much as kissing her because I wanted her to know I was interested in more then just the physical aspects of the relationship and that I was a gentlemen. A stupid off shoot from growing up under the false pretenses of my religious upbringing. Another one of thsoe stupid offshoots was that I had convinced myself that there was someone for everyone, a perfect someone who would make you complete. I thought this was her. Yet another offshoot was that I had been saving msyelf for marriage. I had been in sexual situations with only one other girl before. The first time I was so lost we ended up doing nothing and the second time we had a few seconds of intercourse before we were interrupted at a party. I was so dissapointed in myself for almost failing at my goal that I hadn't seen another girl again until I met my wife. A guy I knew had tried to sleep with her and he had told him no. I didn't know if she was saving herself as well but I knew she had a mother that was "religious". I explained to her about my oath to stay a virgin until my wedding day, every girl I had dated before had cheated on me because of the sex issue, and she let me know that she had slept with someone over the summer. I was totally let down but by this point I was so madly deeply in love with her that I told her I didn't care what happened before us but that she was with me now. Of course like all the memories that I cherished about her that special day was ruined as she revealed to me that after we had met and had such a wonderful day she had gone back to his house and slept with him.

A few weeks into our relationship she would get phone calls from her former lover and she would giggle on the phone and, unbeknownst to me, put us on hold while doing so. I thought maybe she was talking to a friend of hers or something and when I found out it was him I went into a rage and told him I would kill him if he called her again and forbid her to talk to him again. There was an argument about how she still wanted to be friends with him and I argued that what I said about not caring about her past would not be void because she brought me into her past by talking to him. This went on for a year. He stopped calling and I was in such a jealous rage most of the time I would threaten his life whenever possible or worse go to his house and throw stuff at his windows. Remember that I was a stupid teenager at the time. After a year of arguing that he was ruining our relationship and that if she was so deperate to hold onto their sexual history which happened in all but three measley weeks, then I was done with her. We seperated for a week and then I realized that whatever else I was still in love with her and wanted her back so I did all I could and we got back together again. The first thing she tells me is that while we were apart she had been talking to her former lover and he had hooked her up with his friend who had driven her out to his house and then forced a kiss on her at the end of the night. I kept calm and avoided getting angry. After an enitre year and she goes back to him. I think to myself after all the horrible things I did to him and he takes her back into his social circle they must have been talking if God knows what else behind my back. I felt like a fool. Despite everything I went from being a Catholic to a Christian because she had asked me to, gave up on music to spend more time with her, and endured his memory.

There were patches were we would go on in bliss. Our second baby for example and my first business. I was happy because we had moved far away from my hometown where I grew up which only held sour memories now. When my business caved in we had to move back but I got us a rental about 45 miles from the town but soon I found msyelf becoming enraged again for whatever reason. So 16 years later and here I sit probably leaving out plenty but feeling as if after all of this time she still wont let that memory go. Reminds me of the stupid saying that you never forget your first and I wonder if by this does it mean she refuses to forget, even for the sake of my feelings. IN the meantime our trust has eroded in one another. We'd been pretty happy for two years or so and then she brings it up again in a family conversation during a birthday party and even though I had thought I was strong I am suddenly weak. I want to go lay down and sleep forever but its a kids b-day party so I just hang out in the shadows trying not to show anyone how hurt I am. I slip into a dperession for about a month and eventually start thinking about killing msyelf. We get into an argument and I tell her how I feel and she says that she isn't sorry for something that happened before me and I wonder if she even recalls how much hell she put me through by having his thought in our reltaionship all these years. I had even gone to such desperate measures as to have slept with her before we were married, shortly after this whole fiasco started, just to make sure it wasn't the sex thing all over again. Now I look abck at my life and think everything that I held dear I gave up for her and still 'm no more important then an afterthought and I'm still doing battle with his ghost. She didn't care and gave me the silent ultimatum of getting over it or probably seperating. I smile and tell her I love ehr though I don't feel safe in this relationship anymore and I want to hold it together because I don't want my kids to go through the same horrors I did growing up in a single family home and I don't want to kill msyelf and put them through tghat horror but I am starting to feel physically ill and desperate and empty. I think only time will tell if I can really just numb my senses and live a passionless love-less life for them or if I finally lose all hope and just kill myself.

I've written a lot and I don't know if any of it makes sense but I just needed to put it out there for someone to see. Despite it all I have been unable to cry. I wish I could though.

[Luvinmike]

Dear BrOken;

     Please realize that you are making the ancient mistake of loving another more than you love yourself- that never works. You can do a lot here- but you've got to make some changes. Doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of insanity, or so i have heard. Time to stand up straight and get your focus and priorities in order. Speak with your Pastor and get a therapiast right now. Go to couples therapy with or without your spouse. Decide that you will be the man you want to be, regardless of others' behavior towards you and follow that vision of who you want to be.
You must work hard and get your mind onto the real work in your life, not a sixteen year old jealousy, believe me, you are building something small out of proportion in your head. You are wasting precious time from raising a family and living a full life by having an ambivalent relationship- you and your family will benefit from clear communication. Get some counseling and make a decision to create the relationship you want full of love and CONFIDENCE, make a decision to move on from the relationship, or keep feeling this way. I sound like a know it all on purpose- I miss my husband who died, I miss him so much.
You really need to love yourself, your relationship is not your whole identity. In other words, I suggest you be your best self. Those are the real times in our relationships. When we are at our best. Hope this helps...

[br0ken]

I wish that I could but its been so long since I thought about myself other then thinking about how horrible my life began and still is. Since the big fight I've told her I loved her, probably more then I should, and surprisingly right after I wrote this I found msyelf in my room rocking back and forth on the edge of our bed telling myself I was going to be okay and not to think about anything other then getting dressed and going about my day. I cried so hard and for a moment I really thought I could have slipped inside of my head and stayed there. This was the umpteenth time we've had the same fight over our sixteen years together and it seems like everytime we keep getting closer and closer to the truth. The more I think about it the more it makes sense and I'm able to deliver a coherent argument that puts blame where it belongs but she counters me with some horrible thikng I've done while acting out because of it and I just think to myself that she wont let go, wont see how it kills me.

I've had nothing in my life. I never knew my Father, found out my mother was a drug addict and custody of em was given to someone else in our family, I am so cut off from the world that I cannot connect no matter how much I try, if I try. I love my kids but even then its so bad that the days they were born I don't remember feeling anything. I hate myself for that. Now I feel as if my relationship with my wife has been one big lie. Its one of those can't love em and can't leave em scenario's. Bringing up marriage counseling would no doubt end in divorce. She shelters that memory so defensively that nothing else matters. When we make love I can't help but wonder if it means anything. I am grounded by the relationship that I hold onto with God but will it be enough. I have no church nor am I looking for one. I feel nothing good. 

[sevenofwands]

Broken:

There is a saying: "If it hurts it isn't love".  And you are hurting, badly, and that is the truth of the matter here.  I second the advice given by Luvinmike, fully. 

There is a book out there about loving too much (by that is meant dysfunctional and unhealthy ways of loving) by an author called Robin Norwood.  It is worth reading.
And you might like to read this article
http://www.enotalone.com/article/2499.html

It would, I think, be of enormous help to go see a therapist, even if your wife refuses to go.  It will help you to get a perspective on the matter.

All the best
Seven