1st post-Dealing with death of my first love and best friend

[Casey81]

Twelve years ago, I met and began dating a man.  He was my first love...first everything.  We dated for 3 and a half years.  We believed that we would marry.  After we broke up there was a very rocky road for us.  We tried making it work several times but our differences were still there.  However, re remained close friends, always being there for one another.  He was involved in a car accident that left him paralyzed three years ago.  I was dating a man at the time.  As soon as I heard, I dropped everything (including the man I was dating) to rush to his side.  For three months, I was at his bedside as his friend and also as his girlfriend.  Shortly after coming home, we realized that the problems that had always been there were still there.  Remaining friends, we went on with our lives.  Three weeks ago, we lost him suddenly.  I can't sleep.  I am consumed with guilt and feelings of "what if?".  Now, I feel like I am repeating what had always happened before.  Everything inside of me is telling me to drop everything and everyone (I have been dating someone for 6 months) and run to him.  The only differences is that he's gone now.  I am still close and a part of his family.  Talking to them helps but I feel bad because I know that their loss is greater.  I have tried to come up with things that I can do to make this easier.  I have found that just talking about him helps.  I know it has only been three weeks but I am just so lost.  Everywhere I look...there is something reminding me of him.  My friends don't know how to help.  My boyfriend doesn't know how to help.  He has given me my space for this long but I feel pressure just knowing that he is my boyfriend.  I know that doesn't make sense but I just have to get away.  I am breaking up with him tonight.  I just don't have anything inside of me to give.   I am a mess and the only way that I know to fix it is to clean the slate and try to pick up the pieces.  Why am I pushing him away?  Last night was a bad night...I think i slept 2 hours.  I feel like I'm just spiraling out of control.  Every aspect of my life is a disaster.  Any kindness is much appreciated.  I know that we are all here for one reason.

[THISWAVE]

Hi,
I recently lost my best friend to accidental hypothermia.  Like you I felt guilty and lost.  I am still really confused and I am having a hard time reconnecting with people.  My dating life is a disaster because it is hard for me to let anyone in.  You said that you are breaking up with your boyfriend.  Is it because you are having a hard time connecting to him?  Or is it because you don't love him? 

Grief leaves us in pieces sometimes, and it is hard to put ourselves back together.  I understand the feeling that you are pushing people away.  What you are feeling is normal so try to be good to yourself.  I try to do something nice for myself everyday, even if it is just allowing myself ten minutes to listen to my ipod with the lights off. 

Feel what you need to feel and your emotions will be less of a rollercoaster with time.  We will always love and miss them.  Much love and support,
M

[Casey81]

I am so sorry for your loss of your best friend.  It is so hard to understand why people are taken from us.  I know that one day it will make sense but what do we do in the meantime? 

I thought that I loved my boyfriend.  We were talking about moving in together before all of this happened.  I have done a complete 180 though.  He is so kind and wants to help me.  I have seen him once in the last three weeks.  I dread talking to him because he always asks how I am doing.  I feel guilty for not being able to say, "I am fabulous.  I'm fixed and ready to give you what you deserve".  I would rather just walk away.  If he's still there later then great!  I feel like I need to mend myself alone.  How can I nurture a relationship when I can't even take care of myself?

I have always considered myself to be a very happy person in the past.  After his death, I had my first real desire to not be alive.  I never thought I would ever say that.  The pain is just so great and death seems like the better scenario.  I am not suicidal, just tired.

It is so nice to be able to share with others who can relate.  I am going to try and take your advice and do something nice for myself.  Thank you for your kind words...