i'm miserable

[tiffluvsarnie]

It's been 3 years since my mom died.  I was 21, she was 42.  All I know is that she was on a 4 wheeler and she died.  I've never been able to get any answers from those who were there when she died.  I don't know, the whole thing was just such a mess for me and so fast.  I have a brother who was 15 at the time and I honestly don't know how he gets out of bed in the morning.  He's very angry.  Since my mom's death I have gotten married, I have a 6 y/o stepson that I'm raising and I have an 11 month old baby.  I'm living on a ranch just like I always wanted to. We have horses and cows and dogs and everything I dreamed of when I was little.  But none of it matters to me.  I don't care about anything anymore.  Things I used to love don't mean anything to me now.  I feel empty.  My mom was my best friend.  I called her everday and we'd talk about all the stuff we did that day and work and whenever something new or excited happened she was the first one I called.  I still find myself wanting to pick up the phone and call her and say "mom, guess what?"  I'm not a bad wife or mother, but I could be so much better if I wasn't so depressed.  I don't care if the house is a wreck, or if the bills don't get paid, or if our business falls apart.  My husband gets so angry with me and we fight all the time about these things.  I've never been able to open up to him about my mom and what losing her did to me.  I've tried and he just blows it off like I should be over that by now.  Anyway I just hope I can find some sort of release here. So maybe I can get back on track.

[laurenE]

welcome to the websight. 

It sounds like you are really struggling with your sadness.
   Have you talked to your dr about it?  perhaps your grief has turned into clinical depression where medication is needed to get you out of the depression.

  YOu also just had a baby and could be suffering from post partum depression which can show up as much as a yr or more after the baby is born.

  Please continue to post on the Main board.  And definately talk to your dr about your symptoms that you listed above.  These can  definately be  symptoms of  depression.   

Lauren

[tiffluvsarnie]

I will think about doing that.  I'm a little hesitant about seeing a doctor.  I would feel humiliated about talking to someone about this in person.  I feel like I'm losing my mind. I don't want people to think I'm crazy.  At this point I'm not even sure my marriage is going to work out.  I don't want my husband to have a case against me to take my son away from me.  I'm glad I found this website.  I hope it helps me like it has the other people who have posted here.

[inhcwl]

I lost my mom to a sudden illness just four weeks ago and we were extremely close, I talked to her all of the time and she was the first person I would call for anything . I feel that I am coping ok, but it is really hard. Just want you to know there are others out there that feel empty also.

[kevinjj]

Tiff, I am so very sorry for your loss and a few years sometimes is not long in grief for anything to be fully understood and accepted. I think Lauren is right about the post partum feelings and the loss of your mother. Having some depression and taking some anti depressants is not going to cause you to lose your baby to your husband should it ever go that way. The feelings we have in grief are normal, the sadness, loss of energy and motivation. There is nothing wrong with you having these feelings especially in light of recently giving birth and there would nothing wrong with using anti depressants - many, many people do and one would never know it unless they told you. You won't have to be on them for the rest of your life but they can help a person through a real rough spot.

[laurenE]

tiff,

You're not crazy.  And besides, They wont take your kids away just  b/c you are depressed and on meds.   I am a counselor and know this to be a fact. 

  Please do not feel embarrassed to talk about this to a counselor.  There are many studies out there that have proven over and over again that the strong and motivated people are the ones who seek counseling.  It takes alot of strength to assk for help.  But the rewards out weigh  the decision not to take care of yourself.

 If your depression becomes worse, to the point of not being able to care for the kids,  or yourself,  then yes that is always a possiblity of having your kids removed until you are back on your feet and able to care for them and yourself. 

Have you ever flown on an airplane?  Remember what they always instruct us to do in case of emergency?   They tell us to first put our own oxygen masks on,   then take care of the children.   In other words,  it is a well known fact that we can NOT  take care of others if we first do not take care of ourselves.   

I  am a counselor and have been in counseling before,  for many different reasons. One of them being my mothers death.  Another with dealing with my own depression.     Take if from me,  getting help is worth it. 

hugs,
lauren

[tiffluvsarnie]

Lauren, what kind of dr should I see? I'm from a small town, so we only have a few listings and they either say LISW or LPCC behind their name.   The other 2 were under the mental health section.  Geez, I already feel like an idiot for doing this.  I don't even know where to go.  I'm only considering this because I am really desperate for something.  I don't want to be a medicated zombie, but I would do anything to get out of this black hole.  Something's got to give here.

[laurenE]

your family dr would be a good start for an evaluation. or even your OB-Gyn.

  He should do a blood test to check your thyroid,  as a low thyroid will cause depression (I have this problem).   He will also evaluate you for post partum depression.  Whoever you go to, you need to  let him know how young your baby is, so they can at least consider post partum adding to your depression and grief issues.  Hormones can do alot to us girls' moods!

Antidepressants wont make you zombie like.  They might make you sleepy. If thats the case just take it at night instead of during the day.   If the med makes you wide awake then take it during the day. It doesnt matter when you take it, as long as you take it the same time every day, kinda like a birth control pill.  And it needs to be taken every day for it to work right so that it can build up in your system, much like a birth control pill.

A counselor will help you sort out your thoughts and feelings about your grief, marriage and new baby.  A LISW is a good choice. Thos letters mean they are a licsensed clinical social worker like me.   I dont know what the other letters stand for for that other person.  Licensed practical clinical counselor??  Im guessing here bc we dont have that licensed in Indiana.

You need both...a dr to evaluate you for thyroid issues, post partum,  or clinical depression  and a counselor to help you thru the stuff you are going thru. 
Let me know how it goes for you.   

Oh, if they cant get ya in for awhile, then ask them to put you on a cancellation list.   

Its not so bad,  you'll see.   Like I said,  Ive been on meds and in counseling before and I would do it again if I needed to. 

lauren