Hesitated don't know if this is the right place or not

[christiansmom]

If this isn't an appropriate forum for me please let me know.

I don't know where to start.  I think I may have PTSD but don't know I may just be depressed.  I  realize that I am no longer the person I was.  I have become glass half empty instead of half full.  I will be as brief as I can.

My mom has been sick most of my life, had a pituitary tumor that affected her ability to cope, has since been diagnosed Bi Polar. Spent a lot of my life trying to "fix" things for her, make it better, felt it was my responsibility.
She also had many other physical problems resulting in surgeries resulting in complications such as collapsed lungs, etc.

I had a son in 2006 and he is the best thing ever! I have a bleeding disorder and they really discouraged me from having him when I found out I was expecting unexpectedly!  I found out after waiting 6 weeks for tests results at 24 weeks he didn't have the same disorder through tests.  I went into pre term labor at 28 weeks and he was born very sick at 30 weeks.  He had double hernia surgery, was almost deaf (has since regained most of his hearing but not all) has had several ear surgeries, had adnoids taken out.  During that surgery he got Chicken Pox and his eye turned in, had Strabismus surgery on both eyes.  Had major dental surgery.

Then, 2 1/2 years ago he had a bicycle accident and the brake punctured his left nipple.  We had it sewn up but he continued to get sick and then turn red.  I had taken him to the ER the night before and they had dismissed anything major even though he was throwing up.   I insisted the next night he go back to ER evn though others thought we could wait.  Well while at the ER I was first told he had pnuemonia and his lung was collapsed, then I was called out and told he had a mass in his chest and they would need to do a CT scan.  His white blood cell count was so high they felt it was lymphoma.  Turns out it was Streptocotal Toxic  Shock Syndrome and he had a puss pocket sitting on top of his heart and had pushed his trachea over to comprimise his breathing.  He was put in ICU and given a 50/50 chance of survival.

He did survive and is the best kid! He sems to get sick more than usual but that may just be me thinking that.  I feel since I was the one that insisted he go to the ER that now I have a hard time accepting other people's suggestions when he gets sick. I feel what if this and what if I don't take him and something more is wrong.     

The problem is even before that accident but especially since I obsessively worry.  It has taken over my life.  I am always waiting for the other shoe to fall.  For something to happen.  If he gets a cold I take his temperature 10 times an hour and constantly ask him 1,000 questions.  I don't mean to and I try hard to stop but I can't.  I am so afraid of losing him.  I self diagnos on the internet when he gets any type of symptom, always jumping to the worse.

I am not the happy go lucky fun person I was and I don't like who I am anymore.  I feel like I am living a lie in public acting like I am fine, but I am not.

Is there anyone else who has been through this that can help or at least show me I am not alone?

Sorry this has been long but didn't know how to shorten it so  you would still understand.

[laurenE]

You have come to the right place.   Welcome. 
Its not wonder you are so worried and anxious.  You have been throught quite a bit of trauma with your son and ill mother.   That much stress over so much time would make most of us very anxious like you are.  It is a biological fact,   that stress over a long period of time will make a person become anxious. 
   
Have you spoken to your family physician about your symptoms?   Personally,  after going through some of my own trauma,  I too became very anxious and was helped with an antidepressant.  There are 4 that work to help with anxiety too.  Zoloft,  Prozac,  Lexapro and Celexa.   Lexapro worked great for me.

I hope you find comfort and support here.  Welcome and I am so sorry for all that you have gone through.

lauren 

[christiansmom]

Thank you so much Lauren, I cried when I read your reply.  Just to know someone understands.  Not that people here don't, it just didn't affect them the same way I guess.  It's so nice to talk with someone and it is actually helpful it's someone I don't know or see everyday, if that makes any sense.

I just feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and have for so long.  Over time, I have just lost the happiness of my life.  I am almost afraid to be happy because I am afraid something else will happen.  I know that sounds absurd but it's true.

Actually there are many more things than what I listed, I just tried to be as brief as possible, even though it was still long. 

I have talked with my doctor and I think I am going to try something.  I am hyper sensitive about medications because of my mother and what we have gone through when she built up an immunity and had to switch and how horrible it was for everyone.

The main thing is not me, but my son.  I don't want to make him become a worrier, he already is somewhat and I don't want to do that to him.  I try really hard not to let it show to him as much as I can. 

I can't say thanks enough for being there! It is such a relief!

[laurenE]

yea, I know that feeling of being afraid to be happy b/c you are afraid something bad will happen again.     I have been there myself,  right after my mother died.  and when my father died as well.    Its kinda like a post traumatic emotion that happens after something so tragic as a death.     

But what I have learned is that we can't let the fear control us or keep us from living.   I know thats hard but we have to learn to face our fears.   It took awhile before I could shake that fear.  I'm sure it will take awhile for you as well, as you keep having things happen one right after the other.

As for your son.  You have to take care of you before you can take care of him.  If you have ever flown in an airplane you will know that when they talk about the oxygen mask, they urge the parent to place the oxygen mask on herself first,  before placing it on her child.   This is a good example of how important it is to take care of yourself first.      Children have a way of sensing tension, depression and anxiety in a parent, even though you try really hard not to let it show.  I swear they have a 6th sense or something.  lol 
 I hope you are able to talk to your Dr soon abotu some sort of plan of action for you. 

Again welcome.

Lauren

[georgiapeaches]

hi christiansmom, I take effexor xr for panic disorder and it works great. panic disorder also comes with compulsive disorder and everyother disorder you could think of sometimes, so the medication really helps. I also went to cognitive therepy, they just teach you how to think more positive. instead of saying oh my goodness hes sick, they might teach you to say, he will be just fine.just to think positive. hope this helped. welcome.

Georgia.

[catchat]

Hi, I'm a new member and this place seems appropriate to me.  See my new member message in introduction section.

I found this site tonight because I could not sleep and have been crying about possibly losing a friend of mine over what I feel is a control issue.  This is her decision and it has really upset me.   Anyway,  I am glad to have found this site and I hope I can find some positive support and healing by sharing and supporting others who need a lift.  I'm going to try to sleep now and will check the site tomorrow.  Peace to All,  catchat

[christiansmom]

Thanks to those who have replied. It is so comforting to have somewhere to go where you can simply say how you feel and people understand. 

Music is a very important part of my life and when I hear songs from earlier in my life that is when I realize I am not the same person.  The songs remind me of when things may not have been perfect but I was able to handle it and be happy.  It just seems all I do is worry.

What is worse when I am not worrying, I worry about not worrying...silly I know!  I take things and before you know have self diagnosed something horible.

Take last night for example.  We live next door to my grandmother and my parents.  We had eaten at my grandmothers and I walked out knowing my Dad was going to church.  Both of their vehicles were still there and it was past time for him to have left.  I automatically went to worse case scenario.  I went to their house and fully expected to find him hurt or on the floor. He had just decided to go to his meeting he had after service.

I had mentioned that there were many more things I haven't mentioned that have happened.  They are to long to list but for instance a year ago this month my grandmother was critical in hospital my mom was with her I was at home getting some work done and my  husband runs in (we have a business we run from our home) and says my dad is hurt.  He works with horses and had been thrown and was seizing on the ground, bleeding from the head and n ot breathing well.  The day before this happened I had sat with my grandmother and she had a heart attack while I was sitting with her.  My dad came through OK but it was one more thing...one more thing that happened and could happen again without notice. 

My grandmother has hospice right now and is not well so I help with her in my "spare" time.  But I am always on guard because I know it can happen, it has happened.  Always waiting for the shoe to drop and I don't want to live this way anymore I want to be the happy person I used to be. 


Anyway thanks for listening!

[catchat]

Hi,  I am a newbie to this site and posting/chatting.  I posted some info last night and don't see it anywhere on the board.  Help.  I really need some emotional support.  CatChat

[laurenE]

catchat,

you posted on the introduction board,   with the title  "welcome" on page 7 . 

Continue posting here, as this place is  usually more visited  than the intro board.

christianmom,
good to see you continuing to post. 

lauren

[DenverHopeful]

Two years ago, I lost my Dad, my husband, and my sister all within a 15-month period. I literally went from one hospice dying situation to the next with no more than a couple of months between them. I can't help but wonder if there's yet another "loss" waiting to happen, so I think I have experienced a similar concern about how much worrying is too much. It can be overwhelming and prevent me from enjoying the amazing moments that life offers.

I ask myself questions about my current worry to help me determine if it is "serving' me: Is it really helping me get clear about a situation or only fogging it up with fear or anxiety? Is it taking away from my energy and desire to live on more emotionally solid ground? What is the REAL situation? How can I resolve this state of worry for myself?

My best immediate solution is engaging in forums like this one to express those concerns and receive feedback from others. Usually, others remind me that my thoughts are not out of line but are completely normal.  Also, their feedback usually includes some type of "self-help" suggestions to get me through those times. I have learned to rely on support like this because their information is based on our relatively similar experiences. Thank goodness for the accessibility of the Internet. It is hugely useful and powerful for grief/loss recovery support.

I hope you found my comments helpful.