My girlfriends dead ex.

[David The Dude]

Hi all hopefully ive come to the right place for some insight about my current situation .My girlfriend and I have been  living togehter for almost 3 yrs. she lost her ex husband almost 6 yrs.  ago and still loves him very much I know people grieve diffrently and for diffrent periods of time .Shes told me on more than one occassion that its really hard for her to be in love with me because shes really never gotten over the loss of her husband .I would like to be able to help her but I know this is something that she has to deal with , and  I  also would like to help her have some closure and move on shes a great woman and Im sure that he would want her to continue on with her life and be happy and not all stressed out and confused like she is . Im really new to this type of relationship .Is there hope for us .I hope so and I want to thank you all first for any insight or help we could use .

[laurenE]

Dude,

Allow her to talk openly about him, whenever she needs to and be ok with it, encourage it.  I know this may be tough for you but think about it...  There is no competition b/c he's already gone. Plan on him being a part of your life with her.  If you make her choose between the two of you,  you may very well lose.

 If you are asking her to do the impossible...forget him.  She can't,  unless she looses her memory.  She had a life with him.  He will forever be a part of her past and her life,  and a huge part of who she is,   just like her parents and childhood friends are and will always be a part of her life and memory.  Accept thier presence and his, instead of fighting it.

  The more you get frustrated at her for loving him and remembering him ,   the more confused she will become.    Her confusing may in part be guilt...guilt for moving on , by loving you.   If she really loved her husband,  how could she possibly love someone else?  This may be the question she is asking herself that keeps her stuck and gets her so confused.    And of course the answer is,   we are made to love,  therefore  we can love someone else. 

 Please tell her that loving you does not mean she loves her former husband any less.  Moving on is not a measurement of ones love for the one who died.   Its a part of the grieving process.  We have to move on, eventually.   And obviously she has moved forward some,  b/c she has allowed you into her life 3 yrs ago.   

I have counseled widows of all ages , who have gone on to remarry.   The relationships that work the best are the ones when the new partner allows the one who has died to be a natural part of the conversations and new life together.   They allow pictures of the one who died,  to be in the house,   they offer a shoulder to cry on during the holidays and during the anniv date of the death or whenever she needs to cry over her former husband.   They comfort and console,  and they dont get jealous or frustrated bc he or she is crying over her former spouse. 

 I dont know if you are doing this or not,  but please remember,  he's gone. No competition.   She will always love him.   Not more or less than you,  but she will love him differently than you, just like we love our former boyfriends/ girlfriends/
ex fiance's differently than we love our current spouse.  Not more than.  Not less than.   Just differenly bc its a different relationship and a different person.

I hope this helps.
Please continue to ask questions or posts comments and feelings anytime.

Lauren