introduction

[ditra]

Hi, I hope I'm doing this right.  I'm low tech when It comes to computers.
My name is Ditra I am 52 years old I have 3 grown kids (one still at home) and 6 grandbabies and one on the way( one lives at my house with her mom). On April 2,2008 in the morning my first born and only son shot himself on the front porch of his house. I was there when it happened. I didnt see my son pull the trigger but I heard the gun shot. I ran around the corner to the porch and saw my son Will laying there!  I can remember his first breath of life when he was born and now I watch him helplessly as he lay there bleeding and breathing his last breaths of life. My son Will just turned 30 the week before.He has a wife and 3 kids. Thank God the kids didnt see this. My son and his wife had been arguing the night before and that day to. The night before his death he text message me on my phone but I was at work, all the message said was "HELP". He  drank all night, I came over when I got off shift. He had a strange look on his face, his eyes were dark and evil and he could look right thru you. I was in the process of getting my daughter-in-law and grandbaby out of the house. I felt like they were in danger or going to be. While  I was loading backpacks in the car I could hear my daughter in law scream "NO" and she came running around the corner with the baby  yelling he has a gun! Then he aimed the gun at her and I jumped in front of her to protect her and the baby fron getting shot. Thats when I yelled at him "Will NO " he snapped out of his evil gaze and looked at me  then he went around the corner to the porch and I heard the gun go off. The police told me there was only one bullet in the gun.  We will never no who the bullet was meant for....we think that he wanted to shoot her but he loved her to much but he couldnt go on living in the marrage the way it was. We will never know for sure. 
Every day  in my mind I can still see my son laying there grasping for his last breath of life and bleeding and his eyes wide open and I cant help him. I still keep going thru  the would if I did this different, the could of done this different  but should of done this different. The only one I am angry at is him. I cry daily and some days I dont even want to get out of bed. I have tried to drink him away, (sober now) I have prayed to God 
I have cussed God  out. To me this whole thing is like having a rug pulled out from under your life and all of your loved ones and at the same time a tornado rips thru your heart and soul.
I know that some people think that sucide is a selfish act, I dont think so. I think  its a illness of the mind,body and soul and that people for their own personal reasons get so overwhelmed they just cant or dont know how to cope any more.         
 
thank you for letting me ramble on
Ditra

[nancy/Patricks mom]

Ditra
I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through I usually post on the child loss board if you havent been there I think you would like it . You will never know what was on his mind or what he was thinking all you can do is say what if ...and that doesen't help some how you have to move on and it is very hard pure hell sometime just take one day at a time . I lost my youngest son dec.8 2007 from a drug problem he was 20 years old I miss him so much I can hardley stand it I am just walking around in a fog all the time I have a job that I love ( I do hair at nursing homes and assisted living homes) and that helps my mother passed away in April 2008 after my son died she just gave up she was sick anyway she lived 4 months after him she was the only one I could talk to that really understood all I can do is hope and pray that we can get through the day with a little less pain .

[laurenE]

Ditra,

I am so very sorry for the gut wrenching anguish that you endured on that fateful day, and the pain you suffer even now.     Your son lost his battle with  some type of mental illness on that day,  and I am very sorry for that. 

I admire you for protecting your daughter in law and grandchild on that day.  if it werent for you and your voice,  he may not have snapped out of it long enough to realize that he was attempting to kill them.   

We will never really know what went on in his mind on that final moment of his life.  But again I am so very sorry that this happened to you and to your family.

I hope you find comfort here.

Lauren