Death of friend

[shatteredworld]

Three nights ago I learned of a friends death; I'm dealing with all the usuals that come with grief: not eating, not sleeping much, tears, needing to be alone, fear.  I keep going over that last final day of his life, wondering what could have been changed or different, could I have done something to prevent it....all the usual "what ifs", I can't shut them off.   I've lost all sense of time, when did I get the news, Wednesday, Tuesday night?  It's all one big blur.

I have nobody to talk to that could understand what I'm feeling.  Men are supposed to not be emotional and in my family I'm the strong one, the person everyone else turns to for help.  And I have tried to approach them in the past about other matters and they were less than helpful.  There is no way they'd understand this. 

I've toyed with the idea of making a scrapbook with pictures of him and writing down my thoughts, sort of like a journal.  Does this sound like a good idea? Bad?  Too soon?  I can't focus on anything else, I missed the due date on every credit card payment this month and at work I find myself sitting there staring off into space for minutes at a time.   I can't use TV and movies as a distraction, I can't deal with plots involving death or nightly news reports.

Any advice will be greatly appreciated.  Thank you.

Bruno

[cantundrstnd]

It's really late, and I am not sure that I can write anything intelligent on here, but I didn't want to read your post and then turn away without saying anything. I am so sorry that you have to experience this horrible loss. Life and death are two things that no one will ever be able to clearly define, and we will never be able to understand the purpose either. After my brother's death someone gave me the advice to find something every day to live for. Even if it was something very small, like seeing a butterfly, just to remind myself that there are beautiful parts of the world too. I'm not sure of your views of the afterlife, but I try to believe that our loved ones have moved on to more beautiful things.
My words are so trivial, but I just wanted to offer my condolences, and hopefully help you to not feel so alone, and I hope that you find it easy to turn to others for help on here.  I'm kinda new myself, but it's been easier than talking to family members. Don't feel you have to stay too strong. Take care of yourself

[Luvinmike]

Dear Bruno;
     So very sorry in the death of your close friend and the trauma of such a sad and scary experience. I like your journal and scrapbook idea a lot, it would be respectful of your friend and appreciated I am sure- but do what you can for yourself too. cantunderstnd had a good idea to seek out some natural beauty each day. I take long walks- usually crying the whole time, but, I am able to function better afterwards and a shower. I have to coach myself thru- I will be so sad that I will tell myself, " Okay, now it is time to try to eat an egg sandwich. Okay now it is time to take a shower." It works. I am not taking medication now, but I did go to the doctor and took sleep pills. Please don't be afraid to ask for help with your grief. Counseling, support groups, journal writing, drink water, deep breathing. You will make it thru this, you will. It won't go away. but you will be able to honor your friend and carry on in time. write again on the main board- we all understand. Sorry. Terri

[kevinjj]

I am very sorry for your loss and the shock that comes totally unexpected. I like the idea of doing one little thing or finding one little thing each day to live for or be happy for. It is not easy at first to find even little things, but it starts to happen. Im getting the carpets cleaned here in just a bit - my wife would have liked that, it was over due and Man! she watched the money well and it would be just about now that she would have wanted it done, so that helps offset the sadness that she won't be here to enjoy it. Where she is at, clean carpets or dirty carpets for that matter, have no place , no meaning but Love does. We want so badly to connect with them where they are at, but we can't and that is half our pain. Keep posting, get in grief chats when and where you can find them, get in a grief group for sure and get counseling if you think it will help. Again, I'm so sorry for the tragic circumstances that brings you to us, but we are here for you and we know your feelings.

[Jeanneb]

Bruno,

I am so so sorry for the loss of your friend.  After reading your post I just had to write to you.

Some very good advice I got when my son died from a doctor friend is "sleep is your friend."  I needed some help those first years and sounds like you might want to consider contacting your doctor and getting a little help with the sleep...it will make a world of difference.  Right now your mind is so full I'm sure you can't turn it off to get to sleep and a little something will help that.

You men in particular have such a hard time cause society always puts on you guys "men don't cry."  Well that is just a load of crap...real men cry.  I'm married to a 45  year old and when our son died he cried and still today after 5 years tears up...nothing wrong with it whatsoever.

Your scrapebook/journal idea is fabulous.  As you travel this road of grief you will look back one day and read your words that you wrote and be able to see your own healing and it is extremely therapeutic to put these thoughts down on paper and also may help release your brain a little to allow some sleep.

The idea of getting up each day and finding just one thing to accomplish is also an excellent suggestion.

Being mad at God, oh I think a lot of folks can identify with that.  I know that I personally had a hard time with that and finally sought out some guidance on that question.  A good book to read to help with that is "when bad things happen to good people" it certainly helped me.  But another thing I'd like to share with you is being mad at God is certainly ok and he can handle it.  Just remember we get mad at our earthly parents, they don't stop loving us and we don't stop loving them...so it is ok to get mad at our heavenly Father...he understands and he can handle it and will always be there.

Be patient with yourself and just know that you are not alone and grief is a lot of work and a process that we must go through and we will be ok it just takes time.  How much time??....well no one can answer that for each of us is different.  Remember it is one minute at a time and to breath along the way.

Hold on tight,
Jeanne
Philip's mom forever

[shatteredworld]

Thank you all, I appreciate the support so much. 

[klharmon]

I know what it's like to lose a best friend.  On January 16 of my senior year, my best friend was murdered by her ex-boyfriend.  It turned my world upside down and I still have not completely gotten over it.  I don't know if I ever will.  I keep thinking about that night wondering what things might be like today if she hadn't died.  It's like my life is a million piece puzzle that got shattered that day.  Ever since, I have been trying to put all the pieces back together.  I have never been able to openly tell people how I feel about what happened.  Everyone else has moved on, and I am still stuck on that night.  My hope is that one day everything will go back to normal, but until then, I am just trying to take life one day at a time.  Anyone with any advice, I would really appreciate it.