I recently lost my brother

Ashley,
Sorry to hear about your loss. I have a brother-my only sibling- and we are not close so I envy hearing that someone has that type of bond. I did lose my Dad 3 years ago and I was his best friend in many ways and he confided in me more than anyone so I do understand a close bond and how empty we feel when that person is taken from us.

I don't think the experience ever completely leaves us but I can tell you that over time, it does get easier. I still have days when something happens or something reminds me of my Dad and I miss him so much. Some times I even still cry. But I also have days (and these are the ones I know he wants me to have most of) where I can be happy and not feel guilty for being alive. As time passes, I remember more of the happy memories than his illness at the end.

I will share with you that you'll probably find different grief and coping patterns in different members of your family. My Mother, brother and I have all handled it in different ways. The only thing you can do is respect your own process and do what you need to do. There is not a right or wrong way to feel, it is just how you feel and trying to find a middle ground when different people are processing a loss like this is a challenge.

Holidays are hard. I'm the only one who acknowledges how much my Dad loved holidays - especially Christmas. The three of us have been living together between my Dad, my Mother and I all had health issues and my brother moved back after his divorce to help. There has not been a christmas tree since my Dad died. Last December I bought a tiny little ceramic one and put it on the top of the TV and I reminded my mother that my father wouldn't want his memory to be the absence of what he loved but we'll never be on the same page with that.

Find something unique to you and do that. For example, I take windchimes to the cemetery to hang in the trees when it is my Dad's birthday, father's day, christmas or any time I feel I need that connection. Other people started bringing them too and it is so peaceful now to sit there and listen to the wind creating that beautiful music. It's almost like Dad strumming his guitar for me. He used to make up silly songs.

You have to continue with the things that brought you both joy. I think in our family, I am coping better than anyone because I talk about Dad and I gave his eulogy and I remember so many memories.

It is terrible to have only 27 years of life but if this helps, I think I got a different perspective of life when I was diagnosed with cancer at 42 so when my Dad had it, I make sure he found something to laugh about every day. This will sound silly but I bought him the children's book "Walter the Farting Dog" to read to him before bedtime. And then I was just so grateful that I had 45 years with him. My Dad was buried on my 45th birthday and I know our loved ones don't suffer and they don't want us to either.

I think the best way to heal is to celebrate your brother's life but you have to process and then you will know when it is time to do that. Some days are harder than others and let yourself be okay with that.

I am sorry for your loss.

Hugs,
Diane

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