lucky... so sorry for the rambling

[Jennie]

Hi. Technically my grief is related to a death... it's just a death that hasn't happened yet. But anyway... just hoping to find someone who might understand a little.

For about a year now, my best friend has been this guy named Andy that I met on the internet on an rp site. It's weird saying this, because I've never understood things like popularity the way it's portrayed in movies about high school... but he was the coolest of the cool on that site. Everybody knew him and everybody liked him. When we first started talking I would ask him all the time if I was bothering him, a silly little nobody like me, but we got along really well and before very long I was considering him one of my closest friends... not that that's hard, since before joining the site all I had was my sisters and brother. I don't like having friends because inevitably you lose them.

So it was probably silly to be his friend, since by the time we started talking he'd already been diagnosed with cancer. But it seemed almost impossible not to be. Before very long, one of my first thoughts waking up was often "I wonder if Andy's replied yet? I wonder if he'll talk to me today?" This struck me as possibly unhealthy, but there you go. I've wound up making other friends on the site as well, including several people who are Andy's friends in real life, and it's really made me different... happier, more confident.

And, all the while I knew that he was sick. In November he was told that he had two years to live, and it made me sad but still we had two years. I was careful with things that I said, and when we talked about the book I was writing and he said he wanted to read it I would feel really panicky thinking it wouldn't be done in time. But there was still a little hope, and there was still two years. When I started writing a new book instead, I thought maybe I could get it done in the next year and he could read the whole thing. But then last week, he found out that he only has maybe 'til mid-August.

I know that I'm actually lucky, really, to be able to say goodbye. But it's still really hard, and it feels unreal. It's like I keep thinking he's going to show up one day and say "Ha! Scared you, sorry. Turns out I'm miraculously cured and will live to ninety-five." Or at least that he'll still have that year. It's been months since anything even came up about his being sick, so it's like I almost forgot about it and didn't have any warning. He hasn't been online lately, either, even though he said he would be, so mainly I've been kind of blocking it out. But I'm getting more depressed every day... I count on him more than is probably healthy... and I know it'll just get worse once it's final and there's no chance at all he might show up.

This is really long and rambly, but I always do talk a lot and I feel like it's hard to explain. My best friend is dying though, that isn't hard to explain. I still can't wrap my head around it, and sometimes I would rather not bother... just disappear from the world as well because I'm a failure anyway and he's the only one I've ever really believed saying I'm not. But I promised to look out for his sister and our other friends, so I'm not allowed. I want to rewind the last year and find a way to stop this because everything's falling apart. I don't want to be a bother to anyone but I don't want to feel this way. I'm one of those people who will lie there and sob for fifteen minutes straight, then get up and make a sandwich like it's a completely different person who was crying. Like there's a switch in my head that says 'okay, you've cried now... the problem must be solved.' But then I have a couple days of normalcy before I just get sad again.

I don't want it to be real. I don't want to help his friends because that will mean he'll be gone and I'll never be able to tell him things again. Sometimes I treat some of them like his replacements when he's been in the hospital or just being moody and not chatting, but now I realize there is no replacement, really. It can't possibly ever be the same.

And I really don't want to be all self-absorbed or bother anybody, but I can't seem to get anything else that I want so there you go. So sorry. 

[laurenE]

Jennie,

Its so easy to get  emotionally close to people online, isnt it?  There are a few online friends that I would be hearbroken if they were gone too.  I'm sorry you are having to go through this. 

  You said you dont trust but yet you are involved in one of the most difficult types of friendships.. one where there are no facial expressions, no tone of voice, no real life * proof*  that  they are who they say they are,  that they are trustworthy or that what  they say is for real or intended the way you interpreted it.   

And often times there is no way we can say good bye to someone we've never even met.  And then when they die, we can't even go to the funeral.   

Your grief is very real yet new to our society.   With the explosion of online technology comes this very real issue of grieving over the loss of a friend that we've only loved online.   Grief is grief and no ones is worse than the other but with online grief comes the issue of not getting closure or a way to say good bye.   

I have often thought about this very issue in regards to some of my online friends over the years.   How would I know they died,  if no one knows our online  friendship exists?   How would I be able to say good bye, if I've never even met them?   I sometimes think I would still be sitting at the screen, not believing they are gone,  if I was not able to go to the funeral. 

 I think now that we have this issue in society,   we need to come up with some creative ways to grieve the loss of an online friend.   The one way I would suggest is that once he is gone,  to write a good bye letter to your friend here or on the other websight,  telling him everything that you need to tell him, everything you feel,  when he is gone.      I encourage you to somehow get a copy of his obituary from online,  so that you can accept the death of your friend Andy.    If you have other ideas,  please let me know b/c as I said,   we all need to know how to help someone who has lost an online freind in grief.

As I said earlier,  at first an online friendship appears to be easier b/c its easier to trust a stranger and be yourself,   yet in reality it is a more difficult  friendship b/c you have no proof that they are who they say they are , there is no proof that you are trusting someone who  is honorable and  trusthworthy.

  Im not saying Andy is not trustworthy, or that my online friends are not trustworthy either, b/c Im pretty sure some of my friends are.  However I have had some major betrayals in the past and know first hand that it is very easy to betray someone online.   

 I encourage you to start making  real life friendships and focusing  most of your energy on developing and keeping them  rather than with online friends. Online friends are wonderful, but they should not be your everything.

You've past the test of learning to trust someone . Now go forth and give someone else the joy and priviledge of getting to know the real you in real life.

I am so sorry that you are having to anticipate the loss of your friend.  Please let us know how things are coming along for you.

lauren