Suffering

[HiddenOne]

I am tired of pain.  It swallows me up.  I am terrified it is waiting around the corner.  I cannot breathe sometimes from fear and grief.  I start to throw up if I try to discuss it.  My throat closes up, my heart races.  Life has taught me such pain.  I am full of grief.  I have to pretend it isnt there.  Sometimes I get so angry.  There is noone to talk to.  I am becoming tired of fighting for life.  Is there peace for me anymore?  Has joy gone forever?

[Luvinmike]

So sorry HiddenOne hope you will eventually find some peace in the midst of your pain. I had to cancel every single plan today as I could not get out of bed- I've done this a total of three times in my life- I never stay in bed. It is really hard- I can't deal with it today at all. I say this so you know on here you are not alone. Grief does not go away- I like the idea of learning to carry it with you, and i pray for moments of relief for myself and everyone on these boards. Just wanted to say thinking of you- Terri

[grainofsand]

HiddenOne~
Lots of us have experienced what you feel.
We all have different ways of expressing it, and dealing with it.  I hope you find a healthy way to cope, be it talking with a friend, pastor, or just posing here to vent and get it out.  You are amongst friends here, with others who are in a journey of pain and grief.  Please talk to us...we don't judge.

I read this quote today that seemed to give me a sense of hope....
"Sadness is a wall between two gardens." -Kahlil Gibran

It isn't always that the joy in life is gone forever....we now just have to find different ways to look for it.

[laurenE]

Hiddenone,

 I dont know how old you are now but Is there a teacher/professor you can talk to?  A pastor?  A community mental health counselor?     I would not have survived adult life without being in counseling healing and dealing with things from my childhood.    There is hope.  There are people to call on for help.  Just do it.  reach out today and find your healing and your hope.

[Sarah49]

I am sorry for your pain.  Your description sounds like you are suffering from clinical depression.  I have fought with this all my life.  I also feel you are trying to reach out for help and that is good.  Sometimes it is helpful to write things down and when you see the words it can hit you how bad things really are.  I also hide my feelings from those around me.  It becomes a defense mechanism.  Sometimes when you build so many walls you fence yourself in to the point you feel there is no way out.  Please find the strength to reach a little farther and meet with someone that you can talk to one on one.  We were made to be families.  That is our human nature and the reason God made Eve for Adam.  Humans do not survive well alone.  It is important to find someone you can trust.  Have you tried antidepressants?  A doctor visit might be a good first step to break the silence of your suffering.  I realize this can be an overwhelming thought, but I fear your life may be in danger if you don't.  My thought and prayers are with you that you will do what you need to do today to make your situation better. 

[HiddenOne]

Thank-you,
to all of you.