Cruel Cancer

[jhooknc - Jeff]

Thought I'd try this web site for help.  Lost my wife 2 weeks ago to cancer.   She was only 56.   Watched her die slowly over the last 6 months.   She endured 4 major surgeries and 6 hospital stays.   Only home for about 4 weeks in the last 4 months.   My entire life was dedicated to being with her during this time.   Stayed at the hospital at least 8-10 hours a day when she was in.   When she was home, I did everything in my power to help her and attend to her needs.   Then within 2 weeks she was taken from me.   I stayed with her the last week 24 hours a day and watched her die.   Now I'm suffering.   Ashamed to even go out as I break down crying at weird times.   Can't even bring myself to go to certain places.   I am so hurt and sadden by my wife's passing.   Can't even think straight.   Families that have gone through a loss due to cancer endure excessive emotion pain and loss.   So angry that a cure or at least a better treatment has not been found.   Should have been me that died.   Without my love and life's partner...it's hard to find my life's mission.   Just trying this has me almost crying.   Don't even know what I'm looking for by writing this.

[jhooknc - Jeff]

Well, today I have a challenge to face.   Last year, my wife and I decided to buy our first Class A motorhome.   Last summer we shared many wonderful trips.   4 weeks before she die we took our last trip to the beach and it was wonderful.   Now I'm faced with trying to walk into the damn thing.   Need to do this as I'm trying to come to some decision on should I sell it or let it sit till some time has passed.   Don't even want to think about going on a trip alone.   Would only be hours of tears and pain, yet my wife would say...get over it and have some fun...right...all I do is talk to myself now.
How have others dealt with decisions on personal property.   Even my house is creating pain for me.   Find I sleep more on the couch as lying in our bed only makes me cry to sleep and then wake up miserable.  Entering our closet is even more painful.   

[laurenE]

Because your emotions are so up and down,   it is best you wait to make any major decisions regarding finances, property etc.   for approx 1 yr.   At least this is the general consensus from all the grief books and seminars I have read and attended.   

Its easy for us to make decisions based on how we feel.   But feelings are not solid or stable ,  especiallly after the death of someone close to us.       Wait awhile, so that you can base your decisions on facts not feelings...facts such as  "is this a wise thing to do financially?",  etc.       

I had to sell my mothers house and car in order for her estate to be closed.   My sister and I found ourselves basing decisions on our emotions.  One friend tried to take advantage of our emotional state by low balling us on the house offer.   Thankfully my husband had a level head and was able to stand firm on the price, which the 'friend" did end up paying.    Had my husband not stepped in,   this friend would have cheated us out of  $10,000.00.    Everyone wants something for nothing.     

Put it all  away.   It will still be there in a yr.  when you can make better decisions.

Good luck and Im so sorry for your loss.  Im glad you found us and hope you will continue to come back here.

lauren

[patty]

I share your feelings, thinking about how I had to watch my husband wither away still makes me cry now and it´s been 6 years.  He had such a well developed body and to see him look like a prisoner of war, what torture.  He was the most health conscious person ever, followed all the diatary rules so I thought he would outlive all my friend´s husbands for sure and the irony is that he died of stomach cancer at 59, a man who would never eat processed meat and so many other things, ate loads of all the recommended things and took all the anti-oxidants, vitamins, etc etc.  I feel like screaming whenever I see an article on the web like "The foods to eat to avoid cancer" because he ate them ALL and so what.  It makes me crazy, everything has been turned upside down and I don´t believe anything anymore. 
     I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing.  You will find friends here who understand what you are going through as we are too.  It´s good to express your feelings so post your thoughts and questions.  We are all here for you, Thinking of you, Patty

[jhooknc - Jeff]

Patty, my wife died from stomach cancer as well.   Did the same as your husband.   Always eat the right things, exercised and watched her weight.   Always went to doctors for her regular exams.   Then, our primary care doctor sent her for an ultra sounds in October and wam...stage 4 terminal cancer.   We never asked questions just followed the process that the doctor ordered.   Our focus was on life not death.   However, we knew things were bad...first....3/4 of her stomach removed in Jan, then the gall bladder 4 weeks later, then severe infection 4 weeks later(6 weeks in hospital)...then severe abdominal pain and 1/4 of her intestines removed...then death 2 weeks later.   We never accepted that she was dying till 6 days before it happened.   During one of her severe episodes at home, she looked painfully in my eyes and asked the most hurtful question of them all....is Nancy dying? with tears in her eyes.   We then both felt the painful truth.  Noone has an idea about how to reduce your risk of cancer.
Met a family in the same hospital where my wife was and their son(age 36) had stomach cancer as well.  He only lasted 3 months and we bonded during our trying times and still stay in touch.
The worst part of this is what the patient goes through.   I could only support and felt that I didn't give enough.  Lots of guilt.
I share your pain as with others who go through this.   Just unfair that in todays world that we would allow this disease to continue to touch 1.6 million Americans who are told each year...you have cancer.

[Geraldine]

My husband died from stomach cancer 4 months after been diagnosed, I watched him fade away, lose his dignity become a shadow and give his last breath.
Please do not feel ashame to cry, I could not even enter the supermarket without bursting in tears, everywhere I went the memories came back and I would cry, evewhere I could see him by my side, shopping driving ...
Like yourself I felt so angry, I cannot understand why this awful disease not only kill but cause so much suffering, I cannot understand why to this day we have no cure.

Let your feelings express themselves, it is part of grief and you need to let things out.

Kind thoughts

[patty]

Dear friends, stomach cancer is so terrible because so often it´s found when it is already too late. 
     With John the initial diagnosis was stage 4. No surgury was recommended.  He was given a pill form of chemotherapy and he did improve, he felt so much better that we we went to the boat and he was able to go up the mast for a repair.  And we were able to go sailing one more time.  The doctor encouraged him to do what he felt he was up to doing, to go out and and do the things he enjoyed.  But soon after that the tide turned and then began the descent.  He was a guy who always kept things to himself, he put all his focus on trying to survive.  Like there was no other possibility.  He never talked about it so it was really hard. 
    I am just the opposite, my emotions were always right at the surface and I couldn´t control my sorrow. I was and still am a total basket case. I just didn´t have the power to put on a happy brave front.  He knew the way I was.  We were ying and yang.  I miss him so much that I can still hardly bear it and I wish we could have gone at the same time.  There hasn´t been a day worth living since. 
     Maybe it wouldn´t be so hard if I had some family or a support group, if my life wasn´t such a dull routine to make a living but that´s the way it is, sort of have no way out of this situation, no family, few friends as we were sort of loners, together all the time.  We had friends but it was a mobile group, they would come and go so there was no steady ones to build a lasting relationshipo with.  Anyway, they were all couples and you know that when you are suddenly alone you are ALONE because people are busy with their families.
      I only pray that one day when I pass that I can be with him again, it´s only that thought that keeps me going.  It always bothers me when I hear or read about a couple where they say that the partner died so soon after the other sort of implying extra special devotion, that one couldn´t live without the other.  I have felt like that but I´m still here, I keep waking up, don´t know why.  Sometimes I wonder why I have been singled out for this torture and then I think of all of you here reading this.  Why did this
happen to us?  Patty
      P.S. Sometimes I rank about being overseas,  I live in Venezuela.  But I have to say one thing, the doctors are so different here.  Would you believe that John´s oncologist made house calls?  Can you believe that?  He would actually come over once a week.    Most doctors here are so much more human and compassionate.  They even provide their celphone numbers!!!!! 

[Geraldine]

Hi Patty,

Our story is so similar, I have no family ever , a few friends however they stayed away , they said to me later that they did not know what to say when I cried.
When my husband died I was left alone with four dogs, two were sick which cause me more stress, however I must say that they kept me whole, they were my support, if I did not find this site I would have had no one.

I am grateful for the people on this site who have help me through.

[jhooknc - Jeff]

Makes me wonder if even having friends around can help.   I too have no close friends.   Always put in long hours at my job to maintain a salary to support and give the family what they needed.   Then right home to spend time with my wife.   Nancy was more than just a wife....she was my best friend by far.   Now I am very much alone and don't even have a desire to reach out to others that know little about me or our family.   Have always kept my problems close to me till some how I resolved them.
Do have both my children living at home with me.   Both are adults(24 & 26) but are struggling with getting a start in life.   Both are back in college and we(can't replace the we yet in my words) are supporting them.   However, they are taking this badly in their own way as well.   They don't discuss it much and are probably still in denial.   So this does give me some distraction as I'm focused at least on their support and goals.
Still, I want to run away and hide.   Today I'm going back to work as I'm sure this will be another hurdle to over come.   The coming home part will be the worst.
So now my life is full of uncertainties.   While at home, I go outside and do most of my crying in hopes of not affecting my kids.   I just fill up with so much sadness that crying is my only way of getting through it.   I too have terrible problems with going to stores.   Went to the food store yesterday and broke down in one of the isles.   Had to leave the store as I was pretty much a total mess.   Folks just stared at me...if they only knew.
So...my wife was my everything and I cherished her selfishly.   So too will I handle my grief...very personal and tightly held.   I just can't give her up and crying seems to be my best way to bring her back in full force.   Not excited about sharing this with friends or support groups at this time.   Maybe this is not the right thing to do, but no outsider could change the mixed feelings that I carry.
Being alone is not all that bad.   Keeps the memories closer.   Our sadness will never go away nor do I think that we want that to happen.

[kevinjj]

I am so sorry for your loss. My wife had diabetes and that ultimately killed her, causing heart problems and stroke. It is totally normal to feel the extreme emotions you are now enduring. I would get in my car and scream in anguish and I still cry most every day. It has been 5 months today that she died. DO NOT make any major decisions unless it is absolutely necessary. She would not want your life to end either so you must take care of yourself. Join a grief group right away and get some counseling for a while simply to unburden yourself of the extreme emotions. You are just now coming out of the shock over the death of your loving wife. Don't worry about her clothes and things and it is fine to sleep on the couch. My brother never again slept in their bed after his wife died. Sleep in another room or the couch. Get some sleeping pills from your doctor so your health does not degrade. She would want you to continue living so you must. You are not alone in this terrible time and that is the  only comfort available for you at this time. Keep posting here and join other internet groups too. You might want to wear her ring around your neck on a chain - I did for for several months. All that you are feeling is normal and natural. In a while, the extreme emtions will ease. The harsh pain and sadness and anxiety is keeping you close to her but you will remain connected with her minus the extreme emotions.

[patty]

I wrote the last post late at night, then I couldn´t fall asleep (even with lots of medication) until 5 AM.. I have to make myself not write before bedtime, it still gets me too bad.  Had to take a nap at lunchtime and I still feel disconnected.
   
About the supermarket, it´s  still a place I am sensitive to.  John always insisted on selecting the fruit and vegetables and he took such pleasure in it.  Sometimes it made me feel he didn´t trust my judgement, ha ha.  So now I can´t help but remember and look everything over really well,  like I feel him looking over my shoulder.  I swear I eat that stuff because he would want me too.  Once in a while I have to dive into a bag of Doritos though when things get to be too much.  He was always on the straight and narrow, I was always craving potato chips.  And I´m still here. 

    It sure helps so much to be able to come here and tell my stories, I know I have repeated some of them but I can´t stop thinking about them or how much I wish he was here. 
    I was looking through some cookbooks and I had to cry thinking how many recipes I never got around to trying for him.  And then there are the recipes marked ´"John really liked this" and the date.  So many memories.  That´s all there is now and I am doing my best to not forget any of them. 
     Never in a million years did I think he´d go first.  And then I didn´t think I would survive so many years without him.   
     It feels like solitary confinement.  Patty

[Donna B.]

I am so sorry for your loss and I went through the very same emotions and feelings when my husband died of lung cancer. It has been a year and I still feel the same, I found out I had breast cancer the day after we brought him home with hospice and this year without him has been almost unbearable, he took care of me. I have my children, but it's not the same. I am doing fine now health wise, but I find I miss him more than ever. That's why I thought it would help to talk to people who are experiencing the same feelings.

Donna

[jhbello22]

I am very sorry to hear about your loss.  My family lost our father(53 yrs old) 2 weeks ago to cancer and it is so difficult.  He was diagnosed with esphogus(spelling?) cancer in September.  They told us he was doing great.  They said it had stopped spreading and the outlook looked good.  During the third week of June he started complaining of a headache and ended up in the hospital at the end of the week.  He spent the next week in the hospital and died exactly a week after he was admitted.  The cancer had spread to his brain and there was nothing they could do.  We were all there when he passed on too.  It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and probably will ever have to do.  I have three younger brothers (25,24,and13) and my mom who is 52 and we just spend a lot of time together and try to talk about it as much as we can.  The problem is that the emotions are so raw and will be for a long time.  The hardest part is having to tell the story again and again to people that dont know what happened.  It is ok to cry and show how much you loved your wife.  I am sure you have been through the changing of emotions each and every minute of the day.  Let those emotions happen.  As I tell my mom everyday, you will be ok, you are stronger then you think!  

[patty]

You know, I just had this thought today.  So many of us are suffering for having lost someone dear to cancer.  Could somebody tell me why so much is being spent on space exploration when it could be used to understand how our own bodies function?
    I read today on yahoo that a link has been discovered between H. Pylori, the bacteria that can cause ulcers and stomach cancer and asthma!  That children without this bacteria have more of a chance to develop asthma.  Asthma?  That is incredible.  How could one be related to the other?  There´s so much to be explored, so many dreadful diseases to be understood, who needs Mars?  Patty

[jhooknc - Jeff]

Why am I left with $8,000 in Chemo bills?   This must be a money making market.   We spend billions on wars but when it comes to cancer research??   Everyday we read headline news on idiots that kill each other...why not have headlines news report on number of cancer deaths in each state for the day?

I'm very angry that the public has not come to a consensus that the DD(dreaded diseases) diseases needs more focus by our government.   My insurance company alone spent $1.5million to keep my wife alive during this terminal experience.   Why do they charge $18,000 per chemo treatment that only killed everything in my wife's body and put her in the hospital each time?   Then after the chemo, shots that cost $6-7000 each just to fix her blood counts that the chemo messed up.

This is by far a very sick and devastating area of our society.   My anger is growing over this whole futile effort to help my wife.   All that happened was hospitals, doctors and drug companies made money while my poor wife suffered tremendous amounts of pain and saddening stays at the hospital for weeks on end away from her home and family.

Way did every test 4 weeks before her death show great progress only to have the pet scan show that the cancer had spread?   Why didn't they just give her a pet scan every couple of weeks instead of CT scans 2-3 time a week?

Why did the doctor withhold so much information during her treatment...found out more about how bad her cancer was once I was told she had days to a week to live.

I'm so sick about things that I coming to realize.   My loneliness is growing as well as I feel that society has excluded cancer patients from having the benefit of having quality care and treatment.   No one understands till someone in their family is told...you have cancer...and even then they will never understand the pain and suffering that each patient goes through.   Did anyone tell us?

I still remember the first time they hooked my wife up to chemo.   We both cried and felt the sudden lose of our life style and general health.   We both knew then that we were facing death from that moment on.

Oh hell....lets just start another war and kill and main more Americans so we don't have to deal with the true health issues of this country.   Hey you 1.6 million Americans that are told...you have cancer...each year....should you be upset and does your family agree?