I need help

[jillv]

I experienced several losses in the last 5 years.  I lost my mom to cancer back in april, 2003.  I really never took the time to grieve because i was too busy taking care of everyone else and not myself.  My marriage of 20 years ended in 2007.  I met a wonderful man and he was everything i had ever wanted.  He took such good care of me.  He was going through a pretty bitter divorce.  Back on April 15th he ended up in the hospital with a brain anuryism.  He was in the critical care unit for 3 weeks.  I spent the whole time with him plus traveling back and forth.  He ended up  not surviving and spent 5 days in hospice.  I was with him the whole time.  We were due to get married June 20th.  Instead of picking cloths for a wedding we were picking cloths for a funeral.  He was wonderful to my 3 kids.  This has been a tough couple of years on all of us.  Not only did I have to deal with loosing him, but also not being able to make any decisions on his funeral because of legal reasons.  He was legally married.  He had been to court and the judge had made a ruling while he was in a coma and his ex had signed papers.  All he wanted to do was get married to me and be happy.  Now im trying to grieve and still have to deal with his things that his ex wants that are in my home.    We were living together and he had his children 50% of the time.  I miss them also.  My ex husband has also came back into my life.  He has been very supportive and wonderful.  But he was pretty mean during and after the divorce.  I am so confused.  I miss Todd so much but am so scared and angry all at the same time.  I know this whole things sounds like a mess and believe me i have said that a 1000 times.  I have so many things going through my mind and heart.  Im so confused.  Im so up and down.  I almost feel like im loosing my mind.  I am seeing a professional for therepy.  Sometimes it feels like its not enough.  We had so many plans and such a short time together.  Please someone give me some advice to get through this all! 

[lostwithouthim]

I am sorry for the difficult times you are going through. There is nothing easy about the loss you just suffered. Keep seeing your therapist. I don't know why we have to suffer so much loss and hurt in this life but we do. All we can do is keep going.

[Karen Paul]

jillv

I'm so sorry for all you have gone through in the past few years. Wow. You have been through so much, no wonder you are at a loss. Please do take care of yourself. This is the time when you need to put yourself first and everyone else will just have to wait. I'm glad you are seeing someone, hopefully that will allow you to release some of the grief and anger and loss.. and coming here too, I hope you will find this a safe place to share all the feelings you are having.. that is important I think.

And being able to talk about your mom and your love and all the things you miss about them and all you are dealing with.. that is important too because it helps us sort out our own feelings and helps us to carry our loves with us where ever we go.. it takes time and energy..

Be patient with yourself and don't expect too much for a time.. grieve the way you feel you need to and please don't let anyone put time tables on your grief, it is your own and no one else's..

Know that you are welcome here. Do come back and share more, perhaps on the Main board...

luv and hugs, Karen
proud aunt of Christopher
killed by hit and run driver Nov. 2003
at age of 16

[kevinjj]

Hi Jill, I too feel for you and your losses. You will get through some of these issues intact and sane. With the difficult things I have had to do, I would tell myself over and over "this will not be as hard as seeing her dead for the first time, not as hard as seeing her in her casket, not as hard as seeing the lid close on her" and nothing is as hard as that, so you will make it through and do what is best. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[jillv]

Thank you for your reponses.  Tomorrow will be very tough for me.  Todd and I were going to get married tomorrow 6/20 .  I also have to deal with his friends coming on Sat. to get his things that were in his trust.  Im glad my family will be by my side.  I truly believe that things will get better.  I believe that i have been through the worst and now i only have the best to look forward to.  That is what keeps me going.  It is nice to come here and read everyones comments.  I dont feel so alone when i read what everyone else posts.  You can talk and talk to people but its much better to talk to people that have experienced what you have.  Every situation is different but we are all feeling and experiencing the same things.  I have good days and bad days and even during a day i have good hours and bad hours.  Its is such a roller coaster.  Some day i know i will get off of this roller coaster and enjoy the ride of life.  I pray for all of us here that have come for words of wisdom.  You are all in my thoughts and prayers.  Thanks you again for the comments. 

Jill

[laurenE]

Thinking of you on what would have been your wedding day/ weekend.   I am so very sorry for your loss.    Please let us know how you are doing.

Lauren

[jillv]

Well i did survive what would of been my wedding day, it was very tough.  My daughter who is 13 and very close with me spent the evening with me.  She had a softball game and then we went to dinner.  I then had to come home and get Todds things together for them to pick up today.  It was a very tough day.  They took alot.  But they are material things and they can never take away our love or our time we had together.  I made it with the love and support of my kids and my family.  I think it is just one more step to healing and moving on to bigger and better things.  I will always have Todd with me no matter where i go and i truly believe he make sure i am o.k.  I come to these boards for alot of support im so glad i found them.  Your thoughs and prayers are very important to me and i also pray for everyone that has dealt with a loss.  Thank you all so much!

[lostwithouthim]

And you will keep on surviving. Some days will be rough some not so rough. It has been my experience that we build ourselves up for what we know will be rough days and then when we live through the rough days. We aren't built up for the so called " easy days" and those easy days sometimes are the hardest. Because we aren't prepared them. If you have an ' easy day(s)' flooded in tears don't feel like you are not moving forward or getting over it because you are. Sometimes we have to honor the people we have lost and the hopes and dreams we had with long sobs, sighs and tears. Which is okay and a part of healing. I think all any one of us can do is keep moving forward and take as much of the person we have lost with us into our future.

[jillv]

Well i havent posted much lately.  Trying to get some thing done around my house.  But i can say even though i have been busy the last several days, i feel myself sinking low again.  I have been doing better, not sure why im feeling low again.  Well yes i do, i miss Todd so!  It gets very lonely sometimes.  I've noticed ive been kind of crabby with my kids lately too.  I hate it when i get that way.  I did have a good cry last night, maybe i just need that.  I just want some hope that i will be happy again someday.  Im not a very patient person, so i expect results quickly.  My biggest fear is being alone.  I am only 42 years old and know that i have the rest of my life to live, but it does get a little scary.  I also find myself slipping back to not going out and doing much again.  I was doing more, but now im slipping back to staying in my house alot.  Is this normal?  Id hoped that this would slowly get better.  Could anyone explain this and is this normal?  I do realize its only been 3 months since hes been gone.  Anyone else experience this?

Jill

[georgiapeaches]

I thought it was just me who avoided going places. Yesterday I was invited to multiple graduation parties (I work in a school) and I didnt go to one. I laid on my couch all day. Its been  2 1/2 months since my husband passed away. Nothing really makes me happy or jumps out at me, I dont get excited about anything anymore and if I do maybe it will be for about a minute than it passes. I hope things get better for you, I'm not patient at all so I know just how you feel and I am not a person to take one day at a time either , but I guess I will just have to learn to be that way, write me if you want to talk more.

[jillv]

I have good days and bad days.  Today was a bad day.  I have had several of those lately.  I just want more better days ahead.  I almost fear the bad days, because i know they are just right around the corner.  I miss him so!  I get so lonely.  I was married for 20 years and then divorced and met the man of my dreams and now i am alone again.  It scares me to death.  I have always been the strong one for my kids because i was always the parent that was constant and always there for them, and lately i find myself struggeling to be there for my kids and that is so not me.  I wish someone had answers for me, but i know at this point no one knows what will come.  I can only pray for better days. 

[Luvinmike]

Dear Jillv,
 I hope you have an okay day tomorrow, or at least a moment of peacefulness. It is sad that you found a special best friend and had your time together cut so short. I am also learning to be alone and i have some times when i cannot even speak to a neighbor, or be social at all. I bet that is very normal. Maybe that is the attraction here on this site- that people know you have had a major trauma or grief. I feel most comfortable with people in my community who have also experienced a significant loss. Grief support groups and maybe seeking out a widowed friend may be helpful. I joined a crafting and knitting group and we share our stories, at first i thought i was too young for this, then i realized i actually find it comforting. Writing is also helpful. Just wanted to tell you I am sorry for your pain. Keep going. Terri

[jillv]

Well my day started off rough.  I was pretty sick part of the day, just from the day before.  Very tired, sick to my stomach and weak.  But as the day went on it did get better, just because i worked very hard on my own to improve my mood.  It is a tough job these days, but i have to do it for me.  I am seriously thinking of looking into a grief support group.  I am currently talking to someone proffesionaly but i might need more, i agree talking with people that understand and have been through the same thing, does help.  That is why i come here.  I need to learn to let go of alot of anger.  That is difficult for me, but once i change my thoughts and try to let the anger go i do feel better.  It just comes and goes.  When my kids are with there dad 2 days a week, it is so hard on me.  Those are my worst days.  Plus i have a lot of anger with my ex husband.  He was so mean and cruel to me when Todd was alive and now that i am alone he wants to be nice and and i get angry and i dont want to do that anymore.  I just want to be happy.  Thank you so much for your words of wisdom it helps me alot!

[kevinjj]

I try to engage with people and be around people in positive, wholesome settings as much as possible. It gets me out of myself and out of the house. It is now Me, not We and that is painful to accept and live with, as we lose so much more than just the Loved One, we lose all of the life and activities and security we had with them.