5 Weeks into My Loss

[Jeff1]

Hi everyone,

I've been reading various posts over the last couple of weeks and wanted to join your group. My name is Jeff and I lost my wife suddenly and unexpectedly 5 weeks ago yesterday. She had broken her left leg above her ankle in three places on Mother's Day eve. We spent the early morning hours in the emergency room and she had surgery 6:15 am on Mother's Day. Two and a half weeks later I found her in her hospital bed in our living room as I came down the stairs after getting ready for work. She was doing everything she was supposed to, started to get around on cructches and was scheduled for a 2nd day of rehab on the day she died. I have a young daughter that we adopted and I, like all of you, have been thrown into a world I could never have imagined in one instantaneous moment.

Thank you for this forum where I can share my pain and feelings with people who have also lost loved ones. I look forward to joining in your conversations.

Jeff

[georgiapeaches]

Hi jeff, I also found my husband, except I woke up next to him one day into our new house very shocking. I have been walking around in a fog. He passed away on april 13 of this year and it still hasnt sunk in. just me and the kids now trying to pick up the pieces and its very hard to deal with, I still havent found out how he dies so that also hangs in my mind. hang in there, your in my prayers.

[jillv]

Hi Jeff,

I  lost my fiance to a brain anurisym.  It happend when we were going to bed on April 15th.  He had surgery and did not recover, we had to take him off of life support and he passed away on May 13th.  But When he came back from surgery on April 17th he wasnt there, i could feel it.  We had a whole life planned together.  He was my everything.  He was so young only 47.  I understand your pain, every day is a struggle, but do know that you have lots of support and ears here.  Im so sorry for your loss.

[saba]

Jeff, i m really sorry for your immense loss n i can understand the intensity of pain u r undergoing as sudden loss is somthng whch is v.difficult to come 2 terms 2, i should know going thru the same hell day aftr day havng lost my dearest mother w/o warning on jan 15th(i dont care to thnk how many mths that is)-a week after my parents 48th anniv. so here i m jst surviving, moving along like a zombie nothng more...

[Luvinmike]

Dear Jeff;

     I am sorry for your family's pain right now. It will be seven weeks tomorrow for us. My husband died of an arythmia in his heart while taking a bath. Our son is marching in the 4th parade right near my house- I can't stand it. We have gone and had fun every year. We almost always have a kid in the parade.

Tell us about your family if you would, names, traits. I am so sorry for how painful this is. I get help from many sources and it is proven to help with long term healing, important for our children. I see people for therapy and medical check-ups, the church, the school can give guidance to you for daughter regardless of her young age, social worker, grief support groups. Please don't go it alone. Nature, prayer, beautiful music, companionship, time alone, care for self all are proven to help. Keep writing Jeff. Terri

[Jeff1]

Thank you everyone. I'm finding it so very difficult as I was with her for my whole adult life, from meeting in college to the day of her death at age 43. I just don't know how I'll be able to go on without her by my side. She was my soul mate and I hate that I took her for granted so many times. The "if only's" and "why didn't I's" are so overwhelming. I'm so ashamed that at any point in our marriage did I ever doubt my love or huff and puff at giving a massage or feeling anything but love for her. I miss her so terribly and can't yet imagine any life without her. She was the only one I could truly confide in and who could build me back up with just the right words when I was at my lowest. I so need that now. The nights of so little sleep and the pit in my stomach are too much to take. I know that she would want me to be happy and get back on track fulfilling whatever is my destiny (especially caring for the other love of her life, our daughter), but it's so hard and painful.

Jeff

[georgiapeaches]

Hi Jeff,
I think the feeling guilty must be normal, from what I am reading everybody has it (so do I, badly) . dont beat yourself up about it. I was just thinking if I would have , could have, but I was to busy doing this, and doing that, theres nothing we can do about it know but try to remember all the good times. and yes, spend time with your daughter and took about all the wonderful memories together. I hope it gets better for you, your not alone.

[Luvinmike]

Thank You Georgia for saying out loud that guilt is normal. All i see during my bone-crushing times of grief are all the ways i would have used our time more wisely. I know my husband and i were good, normal, bad, normal people- and we laughed and cried throughout twenty plus years together. I have found some peace in sharing my fears and insecurities about what I should have done throughout my life with God, with one or two trusted friends, in a journal, I talk to myself about it all, and thru poetry sites and here on webhealing.com. I continually remind myself that our love was special and larger than life and death. No matter what happens now, or what feelings may arise- I tell myself to remember the love soaring above and underneath every day. I know I have always tried to do the right things, and so didn't my husband- we are all here trying our best. Why else would we be writing here but to again honor our loved one, as long as we shall live. That is what I find helpful, hope it helps you. peace to all on this site today- I am getting off the computer to go back to "real Life" again. "Gee, who put the oil on the part of the lawnmower that says gasoline-". Georgiapeaches I pray you have a chance to smile today. Terri

[Jeff1]

Thanks Georgia & Terri. I needed to hear that. I had to think other people would have some of those same feelings. I know it's in the past and there is nothing we can do about it now but try to not repeat the same things in the future. Unfortunately, as hard as I try (through prayer and opening up little by little to friends ,  family and a counselor) it hasn't left my mind for long. I feel this constant push & pull in my mind as I have battles trying to remember good times versus so much time I wasted.

I was reading a few cards & letters that my wife gave me over the years (most from the year before we were married up through an anniversary 10 years ago). I am certainly grateful that I saved them but it also gives me great pain thinking that this and photos are all I have of her now. It's like rubbing a worry stone in my pocket is what's supposed to replace the physical relationship now. It just so sad and I feel deeply for everyone going through the same pain. I hope everyone had a happy 4th of July and that each day hereafter brings us a bit more happiness.

Blessings to All,
Jeff

[kevinjj]

Jeff, Im so sorry to hear of your loss. My wife Betty died 2/14/08 from a massive stroke. It is normal to think of the things you could have done better, more of or differently but I can tell by your posts that you were a very devoted and loving husband, so these feelings will subside after a little while. These are not feelings of guilt for any real wrong but longing for her and missing her so badly. It is your heart and soul trying to ease the pain a bit, nothing more.
Do seek out a grief group and some therapy never hurt anyone either. Stay as healthy as you can, try to exercise, uphold your obligations and remember our loved ones would not want any of us to suffer needlessly because of them. These extreme, harsh emotions will level off in a while but recovery is a process and we have to take steps and do things for ourselves. That is very difficult and still is for me too. None of us wants to be here but at least we know we are not alone on this terrible journey and we can see that the terrible pain does ease. Keep posting.

[lgespinoza]

I am terribly sorry for you loss.  I know how it feels to loss someone without notice.  Please say don't feel guilty but it is very hard to not feel guilty.  You think of all the times you made the person feel bad and you want to bring that back and fix it, but we can't.  We have to think of the things our loved ones would have liked us to do, we should always remember that they never liked seeing us sad.  Think of all the wonderfull moments you guys shared and share those moments with your daughter.  It will take time for you to feel better, but try not to feel guilty, because you can't do anything about it now. 

[mtinash]

Jeff

I am so sorry for your loss, I lost the love of my life and soulmate three weeks ago.  Unfortunately he chose to take his own life.  The guilt you are feeling and concentrating on the negative aspects of your relationship with your wife are completely normal.  I to seem to allow the negative memories to engulf my mind.  You always ask yourself if I would have done this differently but we are all human.  I ask myself everyday if I would have reacted differently that night would my love have picked up the gun and shot himself the second time.  Unfortunately I will never know but I can't beat myself up for something I had no control over.

Rely heavily on your friends and family for support.  I have found a support group that I will be attending tonight comprised of folks that have been and are going through the same thing I am.  I hope it helps to lighten the burden.  Your friends/family will tell you that time heals all.  Time does not heal anything it just helps you to cope with the fact that your loved on has left this earth.  I try to find comfort in the fact that I know my love is still with me and I will see him again someday.

Hugs

[Jeff1]

Thanks everyone. I've just passed the 8 week point in my grief journey and I feel like I'm doing a little better. I've had several meetings with counselors and joined a church bereavement group (the first topic discussed was ironically 'guilt'). I also just returned from a family reunion and had a chance to talk with aunts and uncles I hadn't had a chance to speak with since my wife's passing. Even though I find myself dwelling less on her loss, I know that it is right there at any moment I choose to acknowledge it. A friend of mine described it as a bird that always sits on your shoulder. You'll find it chirping sometimes softly and sometimes loudly at random times just to let you know it's still there.

I've worked at putting much of the guilt I was feeling behind me. I realize there is nothing we can do to change anything in our past and there is no reason to dwell on it. I do try to find comfort in the happy moments we shared but they almost always bring tears.