I am new to this, very grieved

[Symentha]

Hi. My name is Symentha. I am 29, divorced, live alone, and live really really far from family ( bout 300 miles ) except for my sister that lives just a few minutes drive from my place in beautiful southern Utah.  I am third oldest in a family of 12 children. I come from a mixed family, his mine and ours...My biological mother lives in Georgia. My father lives in Middle Utah.  lol... The rest are spread out all over the states.  I have schizophrenia, and major depression. Borderline PD, and Anxiety disorders. I have PTSD from the way i grew up, and scare pretty easily. I am an AA member, and will have 6 months on july 12th. Well, I suppose that is it about me.  Other than the reason why i am here. The reason I am here is because I lost two family members, and a friend to suicide over the space of the last three weeks. I honestly don't know how to feel anymore. The first one was almost three weeks ago, she was my friend in AA. She was in my home group and we talked on the phone, and huged nearly every day. I can still hear her laughter in my head. I will never forget her laughter. Then my cousin killed herself. she hanged herself. She left behind a 7 year old ... I had not seen her in a while, but still feel the loss right. Then the most recent was my uncle. He killed himself with a gun, Now his laugh and his animated facial expressions are burned into my brain.  But I can't believe that this has all happened, and in less than a month.  Mostly i am just lost. I want to cry, i want to screem, but i don't. I just go on stuffing my emotions. Not really knowing what to do. So I just feel lost.
My sponsor suggested writing a note to them all...one at a time. I wrote to my friend, it was a good letter. And i really do miss her. So, i am thinking that i will wriet to the other two also. ANy how...that is why i am here. For reasons beyond my control, i missed the first two funerals. Now the only one left is for my uncle, it is on wednesday. My birthday is on friday. I know, happy birthday huh? I don't wanna celebrate anything. I don't feel happy.  I am so down. I just wanna sleep it all away. But, i know i gotta face things. So here I am all confused, and empty. I have had two other suicides from another cousin, and another friend in the last 5 years...i just feel like they are all around me, and i cannot escape. I want people to want to live, want to do whats right, and help each other out. Maybe i am a dreamer....oh well.

So here i am. i don't know what i can expect...i don't know why i am here...i just hope to talk to other people who can understand me......somehow..

Symmi

[Luvinmike]

Welcome Symmi,
So sorry for the enormous and traumatic losses you have endured both earlier with your cousins and in the past three weeks. I would not pretend to have any answers for you, but, I would like to offer some ideas okay. First is to talk with your doctor(s) and be very honest about how you feel. Also, teach yourself about grief, both thru this site, books ( there is a book list on here) and with therapy so you'll know it is NORMAL and expected to cry, scream and feel confused. I have been telling myself ( lost my precious 44 year old husband suddenly) " There are no rules in grief as long as you stay safe." I spend some time alone each day deliberately so I know I can cry and grieve. Also I have found it very helpful to write a journal, exercise, play beautiful music, garden, cook, and do yoga- especially deep breathing. Grief support group, church and keeping a structured but not overcrowded schedule. You are a caring person, you are going to be okay. Hope this helps a little. In time you will feel more steady. Terri

[laurenE]

Symmi,

I too am very sorry for all that life has dished out to you.  I hope that you have a good support system around you to talk about all that you are feeling.

   Wow, so many suicides.  I do hope this experience  teaches you how devastating it can be to the ones left behind, how permanant it is  and that you are  worth every breath you take.  I do hope you are not tempted to follow in their foot steps..ever.   

I hope you find good support here. 
Lauren

[Karen Paul]

Oh Symmi

I'm so sorry to hear about all the trauma and loss you've gone through. Really it seems that no person should go through so much. It sounds like you are doing what you need to do to help yourself though. So proud of you for all you are doing. And now you are reaching out to others, which is awesome. I do hope you will find this a safe place to share all your feelings and find understanding and kindness.

I agree with Terri about being honest with your docs about how your feeling.. and with your AA group too. They must be sharing your grief over your friend if she was part of your group. But they may not be aware of the other losses you have suffered. All the things you are feeling are perfectly normal parts of grief.. I agree that this site (and other grief sites) and reading books do help us to realize we are not alone, that the things we feel are things that other people who are grieving also feel. And that this is a journey, not a destination - grief is fluid and changes from day to day - it is not a stopping point, though it feels like we are stuck sometimes.

I'm so glad you came here. I hope you do know that you are so precious in this world, unique and special.

Sending love and hugs, Karen
proud aunt of Christopher
killed by hit and run driver at 16yrs old