I am a Monster

[mae]

Hello. I've never done this posting thing before, but It sounds like a good idea.

I fell in love with someone almost 3 years ago. He was my life, my soul, my ups and my downs, he was my everything. then about 2 years ago he started getting kind of mentally abusive... manipulative, controlling, making me feel stupid. I didn't know how to handle the pain, and I didn't want to burden him with my talking. I just assumed it was from all the stress from the band we have together,his work, and bills. I cheated on him about 4 months ago. I wish i could take back time. I would never wish this kind of mental anguish on anyone. Needless to say, we kind of broke up. I begged and pleaded forgiveness to no avail. After he told me he wouldn't forgive me, that once a cheat always a cheat, I tried to kill myself. I took a bunch of different anti depressants that were my roomates. He calls me a whore, a monster, tells me to go spread my legs somewhere else, and other graphic things not appropriate for a forum. i have cried myself to sleep everynight for the past 4  months. I can't look at myself in the mirror without hating myself, wanting to pluck out my eyes. I hate who I am. I hate myself for what I did. I don't want to hate myself anymore. After staying up all night crying last night, and the crying now.... I can't make it stop! I want the crying to end. I want my heart to stop breaking every second of every day. I want my confidence back. I'm a monster and I don't want to be a monster anymore but I don't know where to turn for help. Please if anyone could help me.... suggestions, comments, anything.

[Irene]

Hi,

   You're not a monster.  You were involved in a relationship that as it developed, turned abusive. Only you know why you turned to someone else, whether it was for revenge or to seek comfort elsewhere. You must know now, that this wasn't the answer, and your ex-boyfriend isn't willing to forgive you.
  I know that this must be extremely difficult for you, but there were problems in the previous relationship, and even if your boyfriend took you back now, the problems would most likely return without counselling.
  At this point in time, I can only suggest that if there is counselling available in your area, this would be a good idea. You are blaming yourself for the loss of the relationship, but the relationship sounds like it had hit the skids, before you ever looked elsewhere for what you were missing. 

[mae]

What kind of counseling would be suggested? I've never been and I only know that there are different mental health proffessionals for different things.  Psychiatrist, Psychologist, therapist, what is the difference, if any?

Irene, I thank you for your post. I will definately look into counseling of some sort.

[Trisho]

Dear Mae -  No you are not a monster.  It appears based on
what you have written that the person you loved for some
reason began to change and seems as though he was not
treating you the way that he maybe had in the past.  When
our lives become difficult for whatever reason we find some-
thing or someone to help and pick up the pieces.  Sounds like
that is what you did.  Things happen and no you are not any
of the things that he is calling you.  Sometimes too when
people are hurt they say things they don't really mean but
too late to take them back.  I think if he was really the one
for you, he would be upset that you had a fling but more so
hurt than turning it to anger.  Of course he is angry but if he
is not willing to listen to the reason that you feel you cheated, then you must tell yourself that he wasn't the one
for you.  I know, easier said than done.  If you have health
insurance typically they do cover counseling.  It really urks me when people say that phrase, once a cheat always a cheat.  That is so ridiculous.  Maybe this was a way out of the abuse unconsciously?  Anyway, best wishes for you and remember you can always post on this board as it is a safe place.  Trisho

[laurenE]

Mae,

Obviously  there was something missing in your relationship, such as lack of support,  and lack of love for you, amond other  things I'm sure.  We humans tend to go find what it is we need.  Thats a good thing.  Some people find it in therapy,  others in frienships,  or in material things or food or drugs. etc.     

But he can not be your whole world.  One person can not be everything.  Thats setting yourself up for being hurt and setting him up to fail.    You need other friends,  other activities outside of him and the life you two had together.   

      You dont deserve to be abused like that.   I'm concerned as to why you chose to put up with it.   If you look on line for the charecteristics of an abuser,  you will see that an abuser will want to isolate you from those who support you.     Sounds like he tended to do that...get mad at you if you got out with anyone other than him.   Get mad if you spend more time with family than him.   
Thats a huge red flag.   Next time you find yourself with someone like that,  run....run like the wind. 

 Irene's suggestion of going to counseling is an excellent one.      It is my hope that you address  in therapy why you put up with the abuse for so long.  If you dont really look into this,  you will find yourself in another abusive relationship somewhere down the line.   

There is also a good support group online that will be a nice addition to you going to counseling.  Please dont use this online support  as a substitute for counseling.  You need a real live person to help you with this.   You just cant get that from a computer.      The group is called   allaboutcounseling.com
Of course you are always welcome here, as well. 

Find a therapist who has a degree or license in  MSW,  LCSW,  ACSW,  LMFT,  PsyD,  or PhD.   They are all reputatble degrees.   Keep in mind that even with the best degree,   you need to find a therapist whos personality you like.    Otherwise it will be very difficult for you to trust them and open up.    A psychiatrist is a  medical dr.   He doesnt do therapy,  he prescribes the meds.   You might want to call around to find out who is the most reputable counseling center in your area.   I would suggest you call someplace like the psychiatric hosp in your town.  They have a list of  counselors in the community that are decent.   

Good luck  and stop beating youself up.  Sounds like he did enough of that.   Dont carry on the abuse.    You dont deserve that.   

Hugs,
lauren E