Suicide

[alleycat]

Hi everyone, five months ago my bf's brother commited suicide he was only 29 and had been depressed for some time . me my bf and  his brother lived with his mother ,who found him dead one morning ,things as you can imagine have been dreadful these last months ,my bf's mother wont even stay on her own for a few hours which is adding further strain  to the two of us as we both work full time and when we get home we get no time together ,exactly at the time we need each other most ,she wont stay with her other sons even a night so we dont get a break .I understand she isgoing through something I cant even for a second imagine but she puts it all on us not excepting help from any other of her family ,

What can I do it is destroying my bf to see his mother in such a state after  all those months of seeing his brother the same , what can we do she is seeing doctors ,and it doesnt seem to help ,im just worried what will happen when we move out will she be okay ?. im trying but I live in another country to my family and havent seen then in six months .I am feeling like its never gonna get better

Her son who died was a wonderful man gentle and sweet handsome and caring ,its hard to believe he is gone .
 

[grainofsand]

Alleycat~
I read your post in the "grief not related to death" section too.
I am sorry that you are going through such a hard time.  To deal with a death is hard enough, and then to pick up the pieces of the family, is so stressful.

I am so glad that your bf's mother is seeing a Dr.  Perhaps he needs to go with her and talk to the Dr and let him know some of this stuff.  He might be more qualified to make suggestions since she is under his care.  It sounds like she is suffering from 'separation anxiety'.  Mourning effects each of us differently.  I sure wish there was a cookie cuter way to grieve, so there can be a set of rules for every one to follow, but that just isn't the case.

When you loose someone, tragically, you have a feeling of loss of control. Maybe if you all make a schedule for the mother, she might do better.  Showing her in advance when she will have someone, and when she wont.  Sit down with her and go over it with her.  Emphasize when you will be returning, and keep reminding her that you will be back!   
The whole family is going to have to get involved, not just those under the roof, otherwise you are right, there will be no time to do anything on your own and that isn't healthy for anyone. 

Work with her Dr to find the best solution.
I am sorry for your lost.  Please let your bf and his mother know that we are so very sorry for their loss.
I know it might not seem like it, but things will evolve and become easier.  It just takes time for the shock and grief to run its course.  It will never be the same, but it wont always be this hard.

[kay]

Alleycat:  I too am sorry for the loss you all have experienced--it sounds like you all were very close and he was a wonderful human being.  I agree with grainofsand, this is such a tragic, sudden loss that it will take time for your bf's mom to come out of the shock and fog of it all.  I am praying for you all that God will give you peace, wisdom and His longsuffering patience to make it through this difficult time.

[laurenE]

Alleycat,

Suicide is such a horrible way for survivors to grieve.  I am so sorry.

 Because of the way he died,  all of your grief is considered "complicated grief" and will take on its own complications and intensity.   There are good books out there on loosing someone to suicide when you are ready to read them.  It took me awhile to be ready.   

Im glad you are posting about it.   It helps to get it out.

Lauren

[alleycat]

Thank you all so much ,its nice to know there are people I can talk to out there .

I appreciate your time

:)X

[renee]

alleycat,
So sorry to hear of the loss you all are suffering. I know exactly how this situation feels. I lost my father to suicide last year. I just recently bought a few books off of overstock.com. After starting to read them I really wish I would of got them sooner. I gave one to my mom and she said that the book is really helping her to understand things better. Maybe check into that your bf and his mom could really benefit from reading them. I hope this helps. Also tell your bf to get on this site it could really help him also. Grief is so hard to handle and when its to suicide its harder because of all the why's and what could have I done different to prevent it. Let your bf and mom know that there was nothing they could have done. He chose to end his own life. They had nothing to do with his decision nor could they have stopped him. Mom will get through this in her own time the pain will always be there and depending on how he did it and who found him that vision will always be in there mind. It's a hard thing to deal with it will take time.
I'm still having a hard time dealing with my dads suicide but I'm managing the best that I can. Take care of yourself. Tell your bf I send many hugs and kisses his way and to the rest of his family.
Renee

[alleycat]

Thanks so much Renee XXX