trying to survive husbands suicide

[angi]

 Hello, i don't know if this is where i'm suppose to post when you're new. So, here goes. my husband and i were divorcing on october of 2006. At 3:06pm my husband, john, drove into the path of a semi. we were to be final that next friday, instead i found myself answering my front door to 2 officers and barely recognizing the screams as my own. i had to attempt to tell my 2 beautiful children ages 12 and and 9 at the time. when we passed the first year, which we named the year of the firsts, his first birthday, christmas, etc. we thought we might be okay. what we didn't realize, was after the first year we began to feel the emotions, anger, loneliness, bitter/sweet memories. i am tired of hurting so badly that you want to scream, vomit, something to get rid of the pain. i guess i'm tired of being tired, not knowing what to do next. can anyone relate?

[Karen Paul]

Oh Angi - I'm so so sorry about your husband and for you and your children... I have not experienced suicide and still have my hubby, but I do know loss.. my sweet nephew Christopher was killed by a hit and run drunk driver in Nov. 2003 just three weeks before his 17th birthday. Chris is the only child of my brother Brian and his ex-wife Amy. Whatever issues split Brian and Amy up had nothing to do with Chris and they both loved and nurtured him with all of their hearts and souls... a piece of them died, a piece of us all died the day we lost Chris.

I remember the first few months being in shock as we stumbled through the holidays and his birthday (Dec. 1)... I remember having chest pains and panick attacks.. and just not being able to breathe.. and being nauseous every single day for about 2 years.. I remember that at about the 9 month mark it seemed like the veil of shock was lifting and the harsh reality and finality was setting in.. I think everything you are feeling and going through is a normal part of shock and grief..

Please be patient with yourself.. take care of you and your kids.. they need you too.. but don't expect too much of yourself, let yourself grieve.. all the firsts are impossibly hard.. and the seconds are not a lot better.. we have found ways to come together on special days to remember Christopher and that seems to help..

And please know that this is a safe place to come to vent, cry, scream.. or share a memory.. this is a place of understanding, in a world that has no clue..

luv and hugs, Karen
proud aunt of Christopher

[momofwatsonx]

Angi

I am sorry hear about your husband.... I don't know the loss of a spouse but i know the loss of my son... in just a couple weeks we are hitting his 2nd angel anniversary... I know that i feel more pain now... the first year i was numb.... and now i have to face the truth he's never coming home.....

I will keep you and you childrens in my thoughts and prayers... and hoping that you are able to get thur this year.

virgie   JOSH"S mom

[mamaAnn]

Angi, I am so sorry for your pain. I lost my son, 3 weeks ago today. He was 2 months from his wedding. the father of the pride of his life, Jaycee, only 7 months old. Her first word was daddy, not dada but daddy and when you asked, where is daddy? she pointed to him and said daddy, every time.  he was so proud! he really gave no signs and he left no note, that we can find. He had been having dreams of hunters coming out of the woods and trying to fight his dad and he would chase them away.( they lived in a very remote area) he was found hanging , from the tree stand, his feet on the ground!! how do you hang with your feet on the ground?there are many unanswered questions, but the one that I need answered is how do you live with so much pain? 

[Me]

Hi Angie,

I am so sorry for your loss.  You asked how you live with so much pain.  I'm not sure but I'll offer what they offered tonight at my first Survivors of Suicide meeting.  They said we have to feel it all.  That we will never get over just through.  To make meaning out of the loss. Cry, scream, vent, and do anything to get it out don't stuff it.  Question and question and ask why as long as you need to.

The other thing that they said of about loosing someone to suicide was to visualize a glass of water.  If you think about all of lifes events as the drops of water that fill the glass.  That eventually the glass will fill and spill over.  Was it the last drop that made it spill over? No, it was ALL of the drops (life events/circumstances built up) and that as survivors we can't blame ourselves.   I don't know if that is helpful or not but I thought I would pass it on.  I lost my mom and I have asked the same questions too.  I guess I am looking for what they called an imperfect peace, I wish that for all of us. ~Jen