dealing with suicide

[greatmom116]

Hi I'm new.  I just wanted to get some things off my mind.  My son's best friend committed suicide.  He was in 7th grade just 13 years old.  I am having a hard time dealing how in the world is my 12 year old supposed to deal and understand.  His grandmother died last year but she was sick we discussed her leaving us. He was able to say goodbye.  What in the world do you tell your child was so bad to his friend that he had to end his life.  He (my son) feels guilt for not seeing it coming.  I look at his picture and see a good boy, a happy boy I didn't see it at all.  The funeral is Saturday and of course my son wants to go and I'll have to be by his side for this.  Any suggestions how do deal not only with death but suicide.

[laurenE]

I'm so sorry for your sons loss.   

 At age 13 he is old enough to go to the funeral .  Viewing the body and going to a ceremony honoring his friends life will set him off on the proper way to grieve and mourn and then eventually move forward.   I just went to a  counselors training seminar yesterday on helping grieving teenagers and he insists on allowing children and adolescents to attend close friends and families funerals for the reason I just  stated. 

Thats a tough thing for a 13 yr old to have to deal with.  I would  suggest that you explain to him that sometimes people do things without thinking..they do things impulsively, sometimes out of anger at that moment.  That is why it is important to think about the consequences before you do the behavior or action.    And to always  use appropriate coping skills for your anger. 

I wuold also basicallly tell him that we dont know what was going on in his mind.  That we may never understand why until we get to heaven too.   And then I would mention that sometimes there is an undiagnosed depression that can go undetected because the person is soo good at hiding the symptoms. 

During the conversations,  when he asks you "why did my friend do this?"  I would say to him "why do you think he did it?"   and see if he has come to some conclusion to ease his own mind.   Then whatever he said,   if it is rational,  I would say  " you may be right.   but we just dont know for sure."

Please assure him that if a person really wants to kill themselves,  they arent going to tell anyone most of the time,  so please assure him that its not his fault. 

Also,   ask the funeral home or local church  if there is a grief group or grief counselor in your area that can spend some time with your son.     

Watch him closely for the next several months.   Copy cat suicides are very common amond teenagers.    Be loving and safe for him to come to you and discuss the friends death so that you will know what is going on in your sons mind.

I hope this helps.  Let us know how your son is doing.

Lauren

[Karen Paul]

I'm so so sad to hear about your son's friend. What a tragedy. I think everything Lauren says is very good. I'm not a parent myself so I wouldn't presume to have a clue what to tell you. However, my brother lost his only child Christopher at age 16 to a hit and run driver. Having been in a family that has lost a child, and seen the devestation it has been to my family and my brother, I have to say that the parents of this boy are probably feeling a lot of the same things your son is (confused, guilty for not seeing it coming, not having a chance to say goodbye and all the questions Why, Why, Why).. the family is no doubt in shock, as I'm sure you all are..

I think it will mean so much to the family if you and your son go to the funeral. And it will mean so much to them if you all keep in touch after. I'm so sorry your son has to deal with the death of a friend at such a young age.. that is so impossibly hard.. a life changing time probably.. if you need help don't hesitate to come here.. and perhaps check in with local grief groups too..

A parent' biggest fear when their child dies is that that child will be forgotten. And I think when suicide is involved there is the "silence" of people not knowing what to say, which can be so devestating.. just say "I'm so sorry".. that is all you need to say.. if you would like more advice you could go to the Child Loss board and post there, there are some parents ther who have lost a child to suicide and i'm sure they would be willing to talk to you...

I'm so sorry again that you and your son and this family are goin through all of this.. it is so sad.

hugs, Karen
proud aunt of Christopher