Juno

[Karen Paul]

So I saw the movie Juno last night with a friend. I sort of knew what it was about but not specifics. I guess it affected me in ways I did not expect. First of all it is obviously a very "feel good" type of movie - and therefore, perhaps not very realistic in some ways - like how the girl (who gets pregnant at 16) handles being pregnant and letting the baby go to someone else and then just goes on with her life (as if nothing had happened)..

However there were some parts that were realistic - like the woman who wants to adopt her baby - and her absolute NEED to be a mother, above and beyond her marriage, her job or anything else in her life - she is very focused. I recognize that woman, because I was once her - desparate to get pregnant - desparate to be a mother, which society tells us is the most important and wonderful thing to be as a woman.

The friend I went with has 2 boys of her own, who are teenagers. She commented on the fact that this woman wanted a baby above and beyond anything in her life. I didn't say much, just agreed with her. She could not possibly understand that kind of need I don't think - she was able to have her babies when she wanted them. But for those of us who struggled so much trying to become parents - and were faced with those hard choices (marriage first, or baby first?)... it really hit home. And the heartbreak of her experience of having been disappointed by a previous failed adoption, where the birth mother backed out - well, that would just be devestating.

I went through seven years of fertility treatments - and about 2 solid years of grief over the child I would not have - and when I was through all of that I just needed to find a way to be happy again - to live a life with my husband who I love - and to find a way to make my life matter in other ways. I feel I have been able to do that, though I still question it once in a while. It is a long future with no children of our own, no school years, no graduations, no weddings or grandbabies. We love our nieces and nephews and our friends' kids and celebrate their accomplishments. But we are always slightly on the outside looking in..

I guess this movie brought home that slight loneliness again - but there are no guarantees in life - Brian thought Chris was going to be there his whole life and he died at 16 - there is nothing right or natural about that - we have to do the best we can is what I've learned and try to find our own happiness despite the fact that life doesn't always go the way we thought it would, and if we can find the strength within ourselves to give our best to others.. we will find that happiness and joy do make a place in our lives..

Sorry I'm rambling - just needed to share that thought today..

hugs, Karen
Chris' aunt

[laurenE]

Karen,

Thanks for sharing how Juno affected you.   Movies and music can be so powerful that it brings up long buried emotions and thoughts.   That music video that I shared here was very powerful like that for me. 

I am 42 and chose not to have kids, for many reasons. One of them being the way it turned out with my sister. 

   I was fortunate enough to be a big sister to a sister 10 yrs younger than I.   It was a wonderful experience,   but as you know,   my dream of all of the things parents get to experience were done 18 yrs ago when she decided to turn her back on me.... no bridal shower,   had to beg to be invited to the wedding,   no college days or shared holidays.   etc etc. 
 
So yes you are correct.... there are no gurantees that once you have a child,  you have it for life,  or that you have that ideal dream relationship.    I still grieve that loss of my dream relationship with my sister,  who I once saw as my child since I did all of the parenting when I got to middle school.

I'm sorry that you did not even get to experience any of that though.   Sometimes life does not make sense.   Those who dont want kids,  have them and then  some of them abuse them or kill them.  Those who want children,  remain childless.   

  Another example of how life is not fair.

Hugs,
Lauren

[Karen Paul]

Lauren - thank you for your thoughtful reply - I can certainly understand your decision not to have kids - you have been through so much in your life and you were like a parent to your sister and have been through so much with her - and then to have your "little sister" turn her back on you, that is a heart break of its own -

In the end it is my own choice not to pursue adoption - I have found a way to be happy in my life and one thing I have learned is that if I don't find that inside myself, then no one out side of me is going to "make me" happy - I have learned that I cannot be responsible for other peoples' happiness (including my spouse) and they cannot be responisble for mine...

I read a book called "Choosing Happiness: The ARt of Living Unconditionally" by Veronica Ray. This book has helped me to let go of some things and to recognize when I am "choosing" specific actions or how I affect those around me and visa versa. It made me realize that I can listen to people and simpathize, without feeling like I have to "fix it" for them - and that sometimes I need people to listen to me without them trying to "fix it" for me.. that is what I love about this site - we know some things are not fixable, so we tend to listen to each other better I think..

hugs, Karen

[Dena]

(((Karen)))

I want you to know that I understand. I worked for a reproductive endrocrinologist and infertility specialist and I saw and experienced what so many women & men go through.  The upheaval, hormones, hope and intense grief that these people feel.  It was a job that brought joy and happiness at times, but there were far too many times that I came home and just cried because no matter what we did, we couldn't help every single one of them.  It is hard to find the separation between sympathy & empathy at times like that.

My younger sister went through infertility treatments with the doctor I worked for.  I actually gave her some of the injections that she was on.  Eventually, following surgery, she was able to have my niece, but she has also gone through miscarriage.  She also lost my niece's twin  during the course of her first pregnancy.

You are so right in that only you can be responsible for your happiness. 

Love,
Dena, Josh's Mom

[Karen Paul]

Thanks Dena - you have a unique perspective having worked in infertility... it is a rollercoaster ride for sure  - I wanted to do IVF, but my husband didn't - that was very difficult - I imagine the pain of finally getting pregnant and then miscarrying would be intense - I never got that far.. glad to hear your sister was able to have one precious child, but so sorry to hear she lost her twin..

luv and hugs, Karen

[kimiisme]

Karen,
       I had a lot of the same feelings when I saw Juno.Since, (as you know, Karen) I can't ever have children either. I cried and cried at the end! I thought it was a pretty good movie though.Definately had some "fantasy world" moments though.
      My Mom couldn't have any more children of her own after she had my sister and I. She didn't get to raise us (I was 5 and my sister was 1 when my parents divorced) She was going to adopt, privately, from a girl who changed her mind the day she had her baby. It devastated my mom! She never tried to adopt again. I think her wanting more children, plus  that "incident", and the fact that she felt she had already failed  as a Mother, contributed to the extreme sadness that led to her suicide.
       Anyway, I think you have a great outlook on things - depite how difficult life can be at times. It's not always easy to do that!      I wish you all the best-
                           Kim

[Virgo58]

Karen,

I haven't seen the movie "Juno". The reason for that is my fellow birthmothers warned our support group about the movie. After I heard what they had to say about the movie I had no desire to see it. Their opinion lined up with some of yours . "Juno" was unrealistic from many birthmothers' point of view. The majority of birthmothers remember their child always. Many have trouble "moving on with their lives". Some become traumatized by the whole adoption incident. Very few birthmothers do forget and move on and some of them suffer terribly later on in their lives.

IMO>>>Hollywood is not doing young women any favors by glamorizing adoption.

Sincerely,
Barb

[Karen Paul]

Barb -  I agree with your thoughts.. thank you for sharing.. my brother was adopted before I was born and though we know nothing about his birth parents (everything was sealed back then).. I cannot imagine him not being my brother and I cannot imagine that his birth mother didn't agonize over putting him up for adoption.

Hugs to you,
Karen