My dad and suicide

[andrea.richardson]

Hi.  I'm sad.  My dad committed suicide last month and I'm sad.  His death was totally unexpected, I don't understand why he did what he did.  I'm in counseling, on antidepressants, and can't sleep.  My kids and husband worry about me.  My boss and co-workers wonder where the happy person I once was went.  Life is going on around me and I can't seem to catch up to it.  Any advice would be helpful.

[Karen Paul]

Andrea - I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. Of course you're sad with such an unexpected and shocking thing happening. You are still in shock. Grief does not disappear in a month, or even two... it is a long journey and takes time - with a death like this I believe the grief never completely disappears - how can it, when your life has been changed so drastically - but in time I believe it will get "softer" "less raw"..

Please be patient with yourself. Grief takes a toll in every aspect of your life, emotional, mental, physical and spiritual. It takes work and energy at a time when both are in short supply.

Here are some normal symptoms of grief:
Symptoms Of grief

 
Physical
 
1.   Hyperactive or under active
2.   Feelings of unreality
3.   Physical distress such as chest pains, abdominal pains, headaches, nausea
4.   Change in appetite
5.   Weight change
6.   Fatigue
7.   Sleeping problems
8.   Restlessness
9.   Crying and sighing
10.    Feelings of emptiness
11.    Shortness of breath
12.    Tightness in the throat
Emotional

1.   Numbness
2.   Sadness
3.   Anger
4.   Fear
5.   Relief
6.   Irritability
7.   Guilt
8.   Loneliness
9.   Longing
10.    Anxiety
11.    Meaninglessness
12.    Apathy
13.    Vulnerability
14.    Abandonment

Social
1.   Overly sensitive
2.   Dependent
3.   Withdrawn
4.   Avoid others
5.   Lack of initiative
6.   Lack of interest

Behavioral

1. Forgetfulnes
2.   Searching for the deceased
3.   Slowed thinking
4.   Dreams of the deceased
5.   Sense the loved one’s presence
6.   Wandering aimlessly
7.   Trying not to talk about loss in order to help others feel comfortable around them
8.   Needing to retell the story of the loved one’s death

Help through Grief

Be patient with yourself. Do not compare yourself to others. Go through mourning at your own pace.
Ask for and accept help. Talk to others. Recognize that a bad day does not mean that all is lost.
Rest. Exercise. Know that you will survive. Accept your feelings as part of the normal grief reaction.
Postpone major decisions whenever possible. Write in a journal.

Know most of all that you are not alone - and the things you are feeling are normal grief reactions.. don't let other people tell you how to grieve or how long - only you can determine what feels right to you..

I'm so sorry to welcome you here to this group, but glad you found us and hope you will find this a safe place to share and vent and find support..

luv and many hugs, Karen
proud aunt of Christopher

[andrea.richardson]

Wow, Karen, you really are a "hero member."  Your information and advice seem most helpful.  Thank you.  I can see so many of those responses in myself.  I guess I can't change the list of symptoms I am going through, I guess I just have to "go through" them.

I haven't asked for, but have received much help from co-workers and friends.  The outpouring of support from the people I work with is nothing short of amazing.  It humbles me. 

Therapy...  My therapist says I'm probably one of the few people she's ever worked with that does not have unresolved issues with the loved one who has passed.  I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing.  It's just tough to know he left like he did. (heavy sigh)

[laurenE]

Andrea,

I am so very sorry about your father's death.   There are many good books available for those who have lost loved ones to suicide.  When you are ready,  I encourage you to check them out.  For some people it  takes awhile before they are ready to read books.   I know it did for me.   Don't force yourself.   Just wait until you are ready. 

His death was sudden and unexpected.  Of course you are not going to be over it yet.    Grief is still considered "early stages of grief" for about the first yr and a half.  Right now you are still in shock.   Putting one foot in front of the other is just about all you can find the strength for some days.  Thats ok.

   Cry when you need to cry.  Write it out here when you can.   Surround yourself with good friends and stay as active as you can in life.    Take naps every day.   At lunch if you are feeling irritable go out to your car for a break from others.   Eat healthy.    Maintaining your physical health is very important bc grief is exhausting both physically and emotionally.   


I'm glad you found us.   

[butterflygirl]

Looks like we may have something in common.

My father may or may not have committed suicide. I am a mess right now. It happened last month. I am a bouncing ball of emotions that ranges from sad to angry (if he really meant to do this) to guilty (if it was an accident). I need answers, and I'm never going to be able to get them, because the only person who knows about this, isn't around to tell me.

Am obviously worried about Mom and the rest of the family. Using that all right now to deflect attention away from me, and it's keeping me busy. Have not had my own big break down yet, but I know it will come someday when I least expect it.

This whole thing just stinks. Oh my gosh, I miss my Dad so much. He was my hero!

I don't know how to proceed from here, or how I will ever be okay again.

[laurenE]

butterfly girl,

Im so very sorry for your loss as well as for your unanswered questions.   All of those range of emotions you are feeling are very normal and expected.  Grief is confusing enough when you know how the death occured.  It certainly complicates grief when you arent sure.   

In time you will learn how to be ... in time.   Right now you are wandering thru the wilderness trying to find your new identity as a daughter w/o her father.   Somehow it will happen, step by step,   month by month,  year by year.     

Please surround yourself with supportive people and please continue to come back here to vent, cry,  and let out your emotions.

Lauren

[butterflygirl]

Thanks for the kind words, Lauren.

Appreciate any support I can find these days. Have to go do some business stuff today relating to this whole mess. Today at 2:15 will be 4 weeks, and Sunday will be one month. In some ways, seems like the longest month ever and yet seems too like it just happened yesterday.

You're right, I'll have to learn how to adjust to being a daughter without a Dad. It's something I can't even imagine. Dad was young, fun, healthy. In a million years, I would never have said that this would be how I would lose him. He'll never get to know grandkids when they are born. But, at least I was lucky enough to have had him walk me down the aisle at my wedding. That is a memory I will always cherish.

Anyway, thanks again. For now, I remain quiet and sad, but laughing when I can.

 

[in2hens2]

I too am having difficulty at work, they want me to be happy,and I can hardly put one foot in front of the other, but my work has been slipping the last couple ofmonths.  I am unable to work this out this time.  We just have to find that special person who will listen, and be there 24 hours a day if we need them.  We need that one person to help us resolve all the emotions we are feeling, just to listen.

My person is gone, she died, and I have no one to share, but if you find that person, and there seem to be wonderful people on line here, it helped me.  We are all special, we are doing the best we can to survive a horrible blow to our hearts.

If we had a broken leg everyone would see they needed to open the door for us or help us up, but because people can't see the pain, they have no idea of how to help us.  We have to make them aware of what we need and how we need it.