Hello Everyone,
Thank you for offering this place for all of us to get together and share our stories, feelings and emotions regarding our loss. This is my first time here...I decided today that I really wanted to find a forum where I could be free to share my grief with others, not only to seek guidance but also in hope that somehow, sharing my story may help someone else out there, suffering with the loss of a sibling.
I lost my brother, 2 years ago today. I guess this is why I felt so compelled to write this morning. I have had so many emotions built up inside me that I was searching for a way to release them safely, without judgment or preconceived notions. Jose was my only brother and he died by suicide on March 14th, 2006, he was only 34. Somedays it feels like a lifetime ago, other days it feels so raw, like it happened just the other day. I'm sure many of you can relate to these feelings of confusion.
I can't begin to put into words what my "Bro" meant to me. I'm going to try. He was everything I ever wanted to be in life. I admired him for perservering through difficult times and always aiming to achieving success. He was brilliant...although not necessarily book smart, he was wise to the ways of life. Looking back, I know his goal was to guide me to make the right decisions...I was definitely made aware of things he didn't approve of
He made every room brighter just by walking into it. He was so handsome and charming...he could transform anyone's mood, just with his smile. I try to remember that smile everytime I think of him. I always worry that one day I'll forget it or I'll forget the sound of his voice.
I'm scared to know that one day I will surpass the age he was when he passed away. He was always my older brother, 7 years older than I was. It's scary to think about growing old without my mentor and guardian. Even though there was a longperiod of time that we spent apart from eachother...across the country, we always had connection that only siblings had. This connection became apparent after we reconnected after many years away from eachother and we could laugh at the fact that we would find humor in the same things and even share the same thoughts on life in general. We had an unspoken connection that I have never had with anyone else and I truly believe onbly exists between siblings. It was beautiful.
I will be spending today...the 2 year anniversary of his passing, alone and focusing on my healing. I started the tradition of getting a massage on this day, taking cae of my body and spirit. I also plan on going to the church nearby and praying alone. This was the same church where everyone gathered for his mass so it feels absolutely bitter sweet. Although I spend many days still in denial...I realize thay I have to take care of myself. I have to dig deep and find that place of joy that I know he would want me to feel again.
All I can say today is, "
I miss you so much Bro. I just wish that you could see me now, see your little sis growing up. I'll be 30 this year and I would give anything to have you here with me. I love you so much. Please take care of yourself in heaven. You are my angel."Your sis,
~Alina
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