The prodigal sister

[laurenE]

After 5 yrs of non communication with the little sister that I practically raised,  I found her this past week,  on myspace of all places.   Words can not describe how happy and excited I was  to see her picture,  and to see her with a nice looking guy.

  My heart skipped a beat when I found her,   that automatic response when you run into someone you havent seen for ages. ..the automatic  huge grin,   the gasp,  the skipped heart beat, the automatic  thoughts that pop up out of nowhere, before you even have time to consciously  think about why its been so long.   
   I found myself cranking up the sterio with happy music,  I found myself showing off her picture.  I found myself talking about  her more to others.  I found myself HOPEFUL that this computer would provide a safe place for her to share with me why it is she has disowned me.  A safe place for us to slowly but surely become sisters again.   

I sought advice from wise people in my life and decided to just send a simple "hello" note,  just to get the ball rolling.   After analyzing every thing to death,  I decided that a simple hello from our home to yours  was the safest way to not scare her off. 

   And so I waited....and waited...and waited.    For 7 days I had an acct open just to see if she would start communicating with me.   But nothing.   So I cancelled my acct,  and we are back to square one. 

 I decided that by keeping my acct open,  I was essentially "begging" her to talk to me.   Right or wrong,  for me it was like sitting in a room alone with her,  for hrs, days, months, w/o any acknowledgement.   I also found myself checking my acct several times a day,  hoping for a message.   It would be the first thing I did when I woke up at 6am,  and the last thing I would do when I would go to bed.    I simply could not live like that every day.    But at least I got to see her again, if only in a picture.   And if this handome guy in the picture treats her right, then I hope hes the one.   How exciting for her.   Even bratty little sisters need love.

Now how to move forward once again.  Wondering how many years I will have to live my life missing her, wondering where she is or how she is doing. Wondering why she chose to walk away without an explaination.   Ticks me off that she has something I want...answers.    Or maybe she doesnt.  Sometimes I wonder about that...wonder if she has really forgotten why she is so angry,  why she chose to walk away,  why she chose to follow in the footsteps of my mother and my mothers sister (my cruel aunt).    Sometimes,  when enough yrs have passed,   I do think we tend to forget the orginal reasons why.  And then it just becomes easier to continue as is,  without questioning the self,  and ultimately without growing.

Ironically, or how I like to think of it,  not so ironically but as part of Gods plan and perfect timing,   yesterday the sermon was about The Pridigal Son,  in Luke 15:17-32.     The pastor spoke specifically to my needs and questions about my prodigal sister.   What is my role in all of this??...praying for her,   Not running after her begging her to come back,  and welcoming her home if and when she does choose to return, setting clear and healthy limits and boundaries with her as well.
 
What is her role when and if she chooses to return? Coming home with a kind and humble heart,  acknowledging her part in this,  not with a demanding agenda, or using false guilt to get what she wants ("if you really loved me you would.... give me money, get me out of this mess, etc etc).  It is my duty as a loving sister to still   allow her to experience the natural consequences of whatever she gets herself into.  bc if I dont allow her to experience the consequences,  she will fall back into the same things again and again.   There is a verse in Proverbs that I never had run into before that speaks about this very thing.  and it says....

.."A hot tempered man must pay the penalty.  If you rescue him,  you will have to do it again and again."  Proverbs 19:19

I thought that was pretty good!  If you rescue them from the consequences of their bahviors, whether it is anger,  or drunk driving,  or over spending, etc etc,  they wont learn the painful lesson and will have no reason not to do it again. 

Anyway,  I am rambling now.  or preaching.. sorry.   Its just that the message and the timing was too ironic to be coincidence,  in my opionion. 
See,  God does know what we need ,  even before we know it sometimes.   
There is hope and I will get through this. 

thanks for listening

Lauren

ps.   As a child my sister loved the movie,  "The Fox and the Hound".  She would say that she was one of the best friends and I was the other and that we would "always be friends forever".   In a scene,  in that movie,  the old lady takes the fox to the woods to go live his life as a fox should.  In essence,  she "let him go".   As she was driving, she quoted this poem that has special meaning for me and my sister as I watched her grow and  who I only wish could have been "friends forever"...

"We met it seems such a short time ago
You looked at me,  needing me so.
And from your sadness,  our happiness grew
And I found out,  I needed you too.
I remember how we used to play
I recall those rainy days
The fires glow that kept us warm.
And now I find,  we're both alone.

Goodbye may seem forever
Farewell is like the end
But in my hearts the memories
And there you'll always be".


I love you *** wherever you are. And I'll always remember. Always.

[Irene]

Hi Lauren,
   You've written with your heart about missing your sister. I really hope, that someday you will have your sister back and the answers that you need. I don't know what more to say on this now, but this is something that I really wish for you.

[ladybug13]

How ironic, my neighbor who is 70 and since she and her son moved in we have become close friends. My sister and I who are just a few years apart I 28 she 31 have not been close till recently after my Mom passed. I was telling my neighbor about our relationship just today and then she shared about her siblings. We have pretty close pasts, her Mom passed when she was in her late 20's and her and her siblings were estranged due to religious beliefs. Her siblings and Mom basically got involved in some type of almost what sounds to me as a religious cult.She wanted no part of it and moved away whe she was 18, since they alienated her anyways for not believing. She practically raised her siblings since they immigrated here when she was 10 and her Mother had to work full-time. She was the oldest and did what her Mom couldn't be there for. To make a long story short it took her siblings 25 years to talk to her again. Her one sister found out she had cancer and was kicked out of this religion and the other siblings soon followed. But now she says they call her everyday but it is hard since so much time has passed and she shaped her life without them. She says I don't hold any grudges but it's like meeting new people and having to weave them into your life. My advice would be don't let this happen to you, you aren't begging, you are loving your sister. She owes you an explanation, you deserve one. My sister and I didn't talk for 2 years because neither of us would swallow our pride and apologize. Today I can't even tell you why we stopped talking to each other.  Don't wait I would send it again maybe she hadn't checked myspace yet. She can never say you didn't try. But in a month she doesn't reply and you know she got the message then maybe  say yes I have to love her enough to let her go...I am praying for you and your sister..Jacque

[laurenE]

thank you Irene and ladybug for your support.   I have let her go and it feels good to be able to do that. 

[BevD]

Lauren,

I have been estranged from my sister for 4 years now.  Unlike you, I have known where she is, and vice versa- but she would never return my calls or letters.  She finally called me last October, and again on Xmas day so her daughters could talk to me, but other than that - no communication. 

I will always think of her as my best friend, because at one time we were so close, and no one can understand my childhood like she can.

I think of this time apart as part of our  life  journey.  Our life as friends.  I'm not as optimistic for reconciliation as I once was, but I know there are lessons in the pain. 

My love to you-

[laurenE]

Bevdee,

There are so many things I still wonder about her...about us.   Will she ever come back into my life?  Do I really want her to?  Will she ever change?  Will I be able to handle it if she doesnt ??  Will I be able to handle a relationship if she chooses to come back into my life and pretend the past or the things my mother did   did not exist?     

 All of those things remain to be seen. And who knows,  maybe I will never know.

Its disappointing, but for a woman of her early 30's ,  she still acts like some of the 8th graders I deal with.    I pray that now that she is away from negative family influences ,  that she will use this time for  intense emotional growth ,   acknowledging our past instead of denying it,   and  attempting to  understand it and me.   

 We are several yrs apart so in a sense, we had different mothers... so she has her view of our mother and I have mine.  She has her childhood, which is different that mine but I wish she had chosen to have a relationship, especially  to reminisce about our mother  ,  and especially during times like this...mothers day, and then later this summer,  her  death anniversary.

Anyway,  thanks for your supportive words.    sorry to ramble.

lauren

[never_healing]

i wish i could be so easy on talking about my dad like that,but i cant
and i cant get past this either
my skul counselor is alwayz having group meetings with other who lost dads and makes me come
how am i supposed to even try and get past this with that going on and my doctors made me take "std" test to see if my father gave me any....im never getting past this

[never_healing]

i really hope you and your sister reconnect btw

[laurenE]

the healing of sexual abuse takes a long time.   I am so sorry you have experienced this at such a young age.   How old are you, btw?

 There will always be scars and memories,  but  the pain becomes less over time w/ alot of therapy and loving people around you.      It took me yrs of therapy to get as far as I have gotten over the abuse.    I highly encourage you to begin therapy now so that you can begin your healing.   

I do think the fact that your father died while the relationship was still abusive complicates grief and makes it more difficult.   Im glad the school counselor is helping you and asking you to participate in a grief group.   She is smart enough to know that healing takes place the more you talk about it.   Crying is also a necessary part of healing.  Please let yourself grieve and heal.

Im glad you found us, but so very sorry for all of your pain and history of abuse.

Your friend,
Lauren

[diamondinruff]

I know that constant pain--the checking of emails and the phone-- and nothing.   I try to stop that.  Its not making things better.  I have to live my life and be thankful for the family and friends I do have and try to let go of the sister that I maybe never really had.

[kevinjj]

I think you did the right thing by reaching out to her, you are the older, big sister. Maybe in a couple of months you can do that again, reach out like you did. It sounds like your sister had some issues and personal growth problems and I hope she is coming to terms with whatever that may be. You are there for her on an approrpriate, responsible level, willing to help her help her help herself and I hope she does. That would be so nice if you two could start over again and I truly hope it comes to pass. We could tell how much it meant to you to see her picture and for that I am happy for you. Hang in there.

[laurenE]

Dove,

Tell me your story and what you need help with.  I will help as much as I can. 

lauren

[laurenE]

Dove,

Sorry about your brother.  Its hard to let go of an emotionally abusive sibling or parent.     

The one hard lesson I have learned in life is that you can't make people like you,  love you or believe you.   That life lesson really really sucks, especially in a family of dysfunction who want to believe the perps and not the victims.   Not only does the innocent one lose their self esteem but also oftentimes, their entire family. 

If your brother is sending you negative emails,  then stop sending him emails.  I dont mean for that to sound so  trite but why keep putting your hand on that same hot stove over and over again?    Let him come to you. I know, you fear that he won't,  and maybe he will and maybe he wont.  But you can't force him. And by sending him emails, you are kinda trying to force him to think of you or keep in touch.   Right now he must not be ready to treat you with respect,  so dont be in contact with him until hes ready,  however long that takes. 

  If your brother sends you negative or angry emails,  A good response to him, whether its in a live conversation or in an emails, is  "I can see that you are angry.  We will talk about this when you are able to talk nicely".  or something like that.    Don't continue the conversation with an angry or bitter person.  Nothing will ever get accomplished.  Nothing.  Emotions are too high to resolve anything at that time,  so end the conversation politely,  which puts you back in the control position,  and either change the subject to something trivial like the weather in china,  or walk away.    Once he sees a few times,  that you wont let him verbally attack you or bully you, then hopefully he will stop. 

I never had the chance to even have conversations with my sister.  She moved away and left no address or phone number.  But if I ever do,  I will handle it just as I am suggesting to you.

Good luck