Woes

[Hope]

Just wanted to vent a little.  I've been focusing so hard on my upcoming board exam (in 2 1/2 more weeks!) that I just need to let some things out.  And with no mommy anymore I feel the need to let them out here instead.

When the doctor put me on lexapro last spring he of course ran some routine labwork & my liver enzymes were a little high so they re-tested them a few more times & they kept getting even higher, even after I went off my BC pills, which they originally thought was causing the problem.  To make a long story short, I had many more rounds of bloodwork/labwork followed by a horrible biopsy experience & was eventually diagnosed w/this autoimmune liver disorder.  I've been taking my meds as prescribed, wasn't ever a big drinker but haven't had a drop since the diagnosis, & am watching my intake of certain vitamins that are stored in the liver.  Also found out that my disorder (PBC) has caused some serious osteoporosis in my hips mainly, but osteomalacia in my spine.  Great.  I'm not scared to die, my faith is strong, but I'm really young still & still have kids to finish raising.  That & the thought of the inevitable liver transplant since I'm so advanced already terrify me.  I remember my mom all hooked up to those machines.  I don't want to go there.  Scared, really scared.

Struggling w/anxiety related also to these boards.  I can't take my lexapro anymore & was doing OK w/out it until these boards snuck up on me.  I feel like I NEED it. 

Top it all off w/that I'm really struggling w/my daughter right now.  We pulled her out of regular school b/c it was her 1st year of middle school & it began really traumatically for her (started her period & all the kids were making fun of her-I thought that she was exaggerating it but her teacher, a male teacher, told me so & then the school counselor's brilliant idea was to pull all the 6th graders into the gym except for my baby & talk about it!) so I've been homeschooling her since October.  I'm not a great teacher, not even a fair one, in fact I think I might be the worst homeschool teacher ever.  I feel like I'm not doing her any justice.  But the alternative, the constant fighting & sadness that was going on was awful in itself.  I know that she's bored out of her mind being stuck here at home all day everyday.  To be honest, I'm tired of her being here all day everyday.  So this is leading to battles that are almost as bad as before we pulled her out.  I feel like she doesn't care about anything anymore.  It's just miserable to be around her right now.  And when we fight I start screaming & look/sound like an idiot, especially w/all the other stressors.  She went tonight to a big church/youth group event so I'm hoping that it's a start.  Last weekend she also went to eat pizza w/the youth group kids.  She's sent me about 35 text messages so far & it makes me miss her so much.  How come my emotions are landsliding all over the place? 

I miss my mom, I need friends, I need to go back to work, I miss talking to people other than the fake talk I give to my instructors & to my patients, I need some sleep!!!

Good night y'all & thanks for letting me vent.
Hope

[laurenE]

Hope,

Its no wonder you are experiencing anxiety.   I wish the Dr had not taken you off Lexapro until your boards are over  (nursing boards, right?).       He took you off bc your liver couldn't handle it,  is this correct?   

If you cant take anything,  then do things to help you relax...warm baths,  exercise,  journaling and venting,   and certainly find a neighbor or friend to go out and have fun with at least once a week.    If your life is all work and no play, then its out of balance, and your stress and anxiety level will skyrocket.

As for your daughter.   Perhaps its time to send her back to school for the last 9 weeks.  ??   I would also ask if she could be placed in another classroom, if possible.   If not, it will be ok.   She'll get through  it. 
   I have worked in a middle school for 8 yrs now, and know the frustrations of middle school trauma and drama.    

   Sometimes taking her away from school for a long period of time will make it more difficult on both of you, when you do send her back next school yr.   With her txt-ing you 9 times, when shes with her friends, tells me she is getting way too attached to you, being home schooled, with her all day long.   This is called seperation anxiety and its not healthy, for either one of you.   The best way to help that,  is ironically,  to force her to go out and be away from you,  maybe even go back to school.    Being with each other so much isnt healthy for either one of you.     

Sometimes,   kids have such anxiety in school that they need Zoloft or another antidepressant to help them get started back into the swing of things.  I have several students like this and it does help alot.   This is not a forever thing,  but does help take the edge off and makes things easier for all involved.    Anxiety is hereditarty and it most often starts showing up in adolescents,  and since you also have anxiety and needed meds,  it may make sense to have her evaluated as well, explaing to the dr why you had ot take her out of school and how she now can not enjoy being with her friends w/o contacting you constantly.

Just something to think about. .  Whatever you decide,  you do need to take care of yourself and go have some good clean fun!

Hang in there and   Good luck with your boards.   Let us know how you did.

Lauren



 

[Dena]

Hope  - Good luck with the boards. I hope all goes well for you.

I think Lauren is right in that you need to find the best possible ways to destress. I am not currently on medication and have taken my time to find what works best for me.  I love aromatherapy and find lavender and eucalyptus scents work really well. Of course a warm bubble bath always helps! 

I am sorry to hear that what your daughter went through at school.  These are such crucial years for her and the school counselor certainly didn't help.  It might help her to go back to school, but into a different classroom/situation.  It will be hard on both of you, but important for her to grow as an individual.

And of course, come here and vent anytime!  That is what we are here for!

Dena

[Hope]

Thank you, Lauren & Dena!  My plan this week is to A) Call her pediatrician: She's due for a physical anyway, & mention that we do want her mental health assessed also at that time.  B) Tomorrow go to the middle school over here & just see what they can do for us.  I've been thinking over the past few weeks that it's probably time for her to go back anyway.  Middle school stinks! 

Thanks for the wonderful suggestions!  You guys are so wonderful here!  I thought that I was doing the right thing when I pulled her out of school - it's so hard watching your child hurt - but now I know (have always really known) that it's often best to help her through a difficult situation rather than just show her a way out... 

Thanks especially for giving me a safe place to vent.
Hope

[laurenE]

Hope.

How are things going for you and your daughter?  Did you take the boards yet?