Welcome

[Tom]

rclaurel -  Welcome and glad you found us.  I think you will find a supportive group here who understands your situation and the cumulative nature of grief.  It must be hard.  Let those tears flow.  Just be careful of the self-judgment.  That is the enemy.  Make sure to post in the main forum where you are most likely to find others with losses that might be similar.

[Ms. Dreamlady]

Hello
 Interesting to find this site. My intoduction: about 7 years ago my Ex notified me that he was diagnosed with serious life threatening bone marrow disease - Miraculously he survived....I cried a  lot then at that news and then offered to organize a circle of friends from the old gang
His wife said he needs all the love and support he can get so dont be shy to be there any way I wanted to be there - and my husband  said if you love him that much after 4 years you must love me a  lot after 25 years marriage.  He needs your support - just be there - and so I opened myself up totally to the feelings that go along with the long 9 months treatment he required before finally we could say  - wow  - he is gonna survive. A year after that i threw him a huge celebration of life party...

One would think that would be the time I would fall apart - which I thought I had done - I sure cried a lot

But surprisingly, it is this year that has been the hardest. I flew out to visit him and his family to celebrate 5 years cancer free( my first visit in 5 years) ...only to descover he really is in very poor health.

and since that visit I  am sad a lot, just can not seem to find any joy, the grey rainy summer has coloured my world.

My friends and family are not so supportive this time...now the comments are " he isnt your husband, you did your bit, now move away from this  past love...move on with your life"

it is like my feelings are shutting dow. I feel like I have been here before and just dont want to experience this unbearably saddness again....

and so I have shut down my feelings. Not intentionally - but I seem to go thru life, and thru daily actions with no happiness. It feels like joy is gone.

of couse there have been a lot of  incidences this past year - we assisted my uncle in his last week of life - we just happened to be visiting when he decided it was his time
and our recent university grad daghter  - required emergency medical attention 3 time last year as she had serious allegic reactions to something...and really needed immediate medical intervention. Also she was tested for cancer this past year...

I kind of get where I am at - protecting myself - so I have booked a session with a therapist -

I quess what i want to say is I am really surprised - I thought emotionally I had expressed intensly and passionately every emotion possible 5 years ago

I was not prepared for this sense of joylessness that would just pop up now 5 years later.

what my wish would  be for my friend and his family - is easier times...days where he is well enough to just be humourus like he used to be -
like he used to be

I found it difficult to see him accepting his situation - for me it wasnt good to have kept my distance for 5 years - I wasnt at all prepared for this reality

I thought he was healed doing well...back to his old antics

same with my daughter - as a young child she was very sickly with this allergic type reactions - she had not had an incident for 20 years - now it is back - I thought she was fully healed...

well - that is my introduction - my story - it feels like a story - not my story - just words on a paper
my feelings seem to be somewhere  - but not here

[THISWAVE]

Hi,
I recently lost my best friend to a sudden and unexpected accident.  I never realized how much of my identity was wrapped up with hers.  It is hard for me to think about growing older without her.  It has been a lonely battle, and I am happy that I found this site.  I hope that we can learn and heal together,
-M

[Ms. Dreamlady]

update
I thought i would share a few words from the visit to a counsellor re my shut down of feelings -

it is amazing that we open up emotionally to love and friendship and closenss and caring
It is an act of courage to dare to love and I have dared to love

sometimes feelings take a vacation  -  it is important though to return from the vacation..journalling may help to express and experience the feelings one small feeling at a time

also it is important to take care of myself physically

in my particular case - some of my feeling could stem from my own battle with illness 10 years ago - at that time I struggle for 2 years and I simply felt too sick to reach out for any support etc. It might be helpful to me to express feelings of my own illness..

--------------------

I have been sick these past 2 days with a nasty cold, nothing serious, just feelins miserable

since I wrote that first post only couple days ago I feel miserably sick
sometimes courage is not being always positive - but being always honest

It is autumn, the beautiful red leaves just so gorgeous..and I feel miserably sick

[macinmt]

Hi, I'm new here but not really.  I almost lived on this site in 1996 when my husband of 26 years passed away.  I was 44.  I haven't been here in a very long time.   But now I find myself drawn here again.  I was actually lucky enough to find another relationship, someone to love and to love me.   What a wonderful, understanding and affectionante man.  He passed away 3 years ago September.   
    I went through all the numbness, disbelief and self pity.   But I feel that I am just not coming out of it.  When my husband died I was forced to stay in the work force.  Always felt that if I didn't have to work I could have traveled and I would have felt better.   After Mike, my 2nd, passed I was able to retire and travel.  It hasn't really helped.    I found you can't run from you feelings.
    Both passed of different types of heart attacks.  I still feel so quilty that I should have done more, before the ambulance arrived, even though I was told nothing would have made a difference.   
    How do we put ourselves in a place that makes life ok again??  I don't really need nor expect great, I had that, twice.  But would like to be ok.....   I have never been a loner and being alone is a space I hate.   I have grown children, grandchildren and great grandchildren I try to keep busy with them.  But, it seems to me it is their lives.   
   Talking to my daughter the other night and she asked what I was doing, my response was I was waiting for tomorrow.   It just came out.   I'm feeling pretty lost and don't know how to find myself.   

[lostone]

Well I'm new to the site and can already see how it would benefit so many.
I lost my husband of 25 years to cancer just 3 weeks ago
My son lives away attending university...I have friends but don't want to make them uncomfortable so I always act upbeat when I'm with them but deep down I'm so lost and afraid !!
I can't eat or sleep and would do anything for 5 more minutes with him to hold him and tell him how much I love him....my life is so empty and I can't get this pit out of my stomach
Even during our buzy days we always took time to have coffee in the morning and now I drink alone ....
i'm so sorry for all of your loss and share your grief !

[angel21]

Hello my name is Melissa im 23 years old and have experienced two losses this year. My mother passed away Feb. 3rd two weeks after her death i went to help my gandmother because they had decided there was nothing my that they could do for my grandfather who was put in hospice, and bed ridden, i took care of him five days a week untill he had passed away on June 4th...... im not sure what else to say here, im just checking things out....

[laurenE]

Welcome ...all of you.   I hope you find comfort here.  Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourselves. 

You may find more responses on the MAIN board now that you have introduced yourself. 

Once again,  welcome.   

Hope to hear from you soon.

Lauren

[waterdragon]

Hi
I am new, I lost my mum in June 2008. I am a grandmother myself but I am finding the loss of my mum very hard to bear. I am over the initial loss, it was sudden and unexpected. I am finding the daily loss is hard to bear now the dust has settled.
My brother died 20yrs ago, I know mum found every day a battle after his loss. I am pleased she has found an end to her daily feelings of loss however, I miss her. I feel alone. I have no extended family as both parents were only children, hence no cousins. With my brother gone (we were close too) I find I now do now have anyone in my life who knew me as a child or younger adult. I have no-one to say to 'do you remember when'...... I do have a daughter and grandchildren who care, it is having no-one to share my history with now mum is gone that bites.
When my brother passed away from cancer in 1990 mum and I used to experience his presence at times. He visited me in dreams and we would talk. I felt his strength when I needed help and he used to 'find' lost things for me.. that is another story.
Mum used to feel his presence and I am sure he was there for her when she passed away. Now mum is gone I no longer feel his presence or hers.  I am feeling very very alone now they are both gone
Does anyone else out there feel their passed relatives, partners or loved ones around them.

waterdragon

[shrinkingviolet]

Hi. I am new here..my son and I went to his father's funeral two days ago..I sooo want to help my son threw this..but I'm not sure how..

[jmw_1]

Hi everyone;

My name is Jim, I lost my wife to cancer in January of 2007. It was a long drawn out process where the cancer spread for about 3 years until she passed.  Over the course of the year following her death, I subscribed to the unfortunate myth of "you'll find another!" I entered into a relationship 11 months after her death. That relationship came to an end a little over a month ago. I found myself experiencing a level of mourning that seemed excessive in response to the length of the relationship. In the course of counseling, I discovered that a lot of the feelings I was experiencing related back to the loss of wife earlier. I am now going through the process of grief recovery to try to address many of the feelings and questions that I never dealt with. I am hoping to share my experiences and learn from others here!

[Tom]

Hi everyone;

My name is Jim, I lost my wife to cancer in January of 2007. It was a long drawn out process where the cancer spread for about 3 years until she passed.  Over the course of the year following her death, I subscribed to the unfortunate myth of "you'll find another!" I entered into a relationship 11 months after her death. That relationship came to an end a little over a month ago. I found myself experiencing a level of mourning that seemed excessive in response to the length of the relationship. In the course of counseling, I discovered that a lot of the feelings I was experiencing related back to the loss of wife earlier. I am now going through the process of grief recovery to try to address many of the feelings and questions that I never dealt with. I am hoping to share my experiences and learn from others here!

Welcome Jim.  Sounds like you are doing a good job in going back and revisiting the grief.  Sometimes the key is to find a way to tell our story.  We all seem to have a different way to do it.    Glad you found us and hope that you find the boards helpful.

[zev723]

Hello everyone,

My name is Zach, I'm 23, and I lost my mom to esophageal cancer this year. Our relationship was very complicated, maybe with time I'll explain more, but it was more than the usual teenage angst years we all experience. We hadn't seen each other in 3 years before she was diagnosed, and spoke on holidays only.

She was diagnosed in February this year. One day I was on my way to work when I just felt like calling her and seeing how she was doing, and that's when she told me she had cancer. She'd had ovarian cancer once before, when I was 12, but this was in her esophagus. Further research let me know how serious it was. I flew up there a few days before she had her esophagus removed, and stayed until a few days after. She seemed to be doing okay, and we were all optimistic. Things quickly went downhill, though, and I was in Seattle again two months later, this time to say goodbye. She passed a week later.

I feel completely destroyed by her death, a shadow of who I used to be. I feel like I myself died, I have to force laughter that used to come so easily I made others laugh by doing it myself. I don't think I will ever feel normal again. I don't know what to do; I hate being alone now, because she's all I can think about. I leave work and immediately whip out my phone to find a friend to spend time with, to find anything to do but be alone and deal. It's too much. I miss her so much. And while I know that suicide is never an option, there are times that I wish, as I'm sure we've all felt, that I could be sleeping under the ground with her, because the aftermath is proving to be a hurdle I don't know I can pass.

My friends are supportive of me, but its getting to be more of "You need to let her go," "move on, it'll be okay" than anything else. They have no idea how it feels though. I want to lash out at them a lot, to just let them have it. Who are they to tell me how to think and feel? They aren't experiencing any of this! Let THEM try to deal with this pain and see how they do with it!

I'm in so much pain I hate this. I HATE THIS!!

[bubbles777]

This is my first time ever posting to any type of online sites. I have spent the last two hrs reading through the differnt threads and posts. I feel connected here already, sometimes when your world is spiraling out of control it makes you feel grounded to know you are not alone. So thank you for that!!

I am 32 year old mother of two children a daughter 10 and a son 16. When my som was 10 his father died of a drug overdose in March 2001. It has taking a long time for my son to heal and over come all his issues. My daughter recently lost her father to a drug overdose also Dec 23, 2007. Both my childrens fathers are now both gone, and I am trying to help them pick up the pieces and move forward. This will be the first year aniv of his death and the time of year does not help. The day before Christmas Eve, and now my daughter associates such a wonderful time of the year with such a devastating memory. She has been very fortunate to have my boyfriend of seven years, (which she was only 3 when we got together), so that relationship has helped her a great deal.

Until one week ago, when once a gain her life changed forever. My boyfriend had told me a few months into our relationship that he may have a teen daughter out there, but he was only spectical if he was even the father for sure. So I put that thought out of my mind and we continued to build a relationship and a family,(no children between us).

Last Saturday my boyfriend was on his facebook account and realized he had a message from the woman he might have a child with. He had attempted to add her as a friend on facebook, but a period of time went by with no response from her.  in the past week, they ( my BF, the mother and the daughter) have been messaging each other, and finally yesterday he went and met his daughter face to face. All this in such a short period of time, hard to wrap my mind around.

I am a parent and I know he needs to know his daughter and she needs to know him, but I don't know if my daughter and I an get through this. She is going through so much right now, the firt year anv of loosing her father, and know the other male role model has just found out he is a dad and has an instant daughter. My daughter has been very negative about this whole situation, she is very jelious and insecure. I am feeling a lot of the same and I am having a hard time dealing with it all and I am unsure how to deal with it myself, therfore I am unsure how to reassure her. I try not to let her see my insecurity, sometimes it is so hard to hide the way you feel.

I feel so guilty for being so insecure, jelious , anxious and not knowing what to do about these feelings. I feel like telling him to leave now because I can olny amagine it to be worse as they grow closer. How will it be when she is introduced into his family, my daughter feels like she doesn't belong because she is not his biological daughter, and how will she feel if his sisters take to their biological neice in a way she wishes she had that closeness. I want to be happy for him that he found his daughter and he will experience what it is to be a parent, but I am dying inside.Partly I think because he and I don't have any children between us, and he is experiencing  this with someone else.....

I feel like my world is spinning out of control and I am so lost I don't know if I am loosing it or if it is normal to feel this way. I have so much guilt for not just being happy for him, but it has changed our whole lives..

is there anyone out there......

[grainofsand]

So glad you found us Bubbles...welcome.
I can understand why you have some insecure feelings.

I hope that your boyfriend shows you that he has enough room in his heart for You and your children, as well as the new found addition of his daughter.  Of course life will change from what you all knew, but the change doesn't have to end up badly.

It will take time to adjust and to see how things play out.  Try to keep your heart open to love his daughter, as it seems he has done that for yours children all these years.  It is hard to love someone that you don't know...so try to get to know her even if it is difficult for you to at first.

I am sorry you feel like your world is spinning out of control.  Just be honest with your feelings so resentment doesn't build up.  I hope someday you look back at this situation and are able to say that this was one of the best blessings that came your way.

Hang in there.