Welcome

[Luvinmike]

welcome EF. Sorry for your pain in the death of your beloved husband. So very sorry for what you have both endured prior to him making such a permanent choice. You are able to speak freely here and others do care very much. I am on the new side also- my husband died May 17. He had a serious heart condition and for a few years he was very anxious and depressed, it was hard on all of us. i don't compare it to your husband's long- term conditions, but, i do know it is a family affair- not  just the person who is depressed. It is not your fault. No matter how you replay it in your head, we are only responsible for ourselves. You are not powerful enough to control this, and you never were. I hope you will learn about grief, and about being gentle with yourself as you take each day as it comes. I am having a hard time tonight, but, i saw your post and wanted you to know you are thought of right now. Wishing you peace and energy to do what you can, a little at a time. My father's family has a lot of alcohol, depression and suicide of a very significant person in my life, we have learned that depression can lead to suicide regardless of what others say or do- it is a severe and unrelenting disease in some. Write as you can. Tell us about yourself. Kind thoughts to you. Terri

[nozza]

Hi, I lost my partner, Ronnie really suddenly 4 weeks ago today. He wasn't ill and only 52. I hoped the pain would get easier but I think I feel worse than when it happened.
I have read messages and find them comforting.

[RAHall]

Hi today is July 4th so I made a visit to the nursing home where my father has been since last September. I walked into his room as they were pronouncing him dead. He had been declining due to demetia, but did not seem to be at deaths door when I saw him Last Sunday.

I am not eloquent of speech so it is difficult to express the last eight hours and the dream, nightmare I have been in. Being the only son seems to place the mantel of strength upon my shoulders. Be strong for my mother married to dad for 58 years, For my sisters, and my children.

I need to somehow express my feelings somewhere that does not make their suffering worse.So I happened upon this site.

I loved my father dearly, he was my source of self worth. I never wanted to disappoint him or have him think of me as a dissapointment. Dad was never one to openly share deep emotion. So I cherished the times he would tell me he loved me, or tell me well done. So it has been rather painful that dementia stole from him the memory of who I was. He could not call me by name but I still saw a hint of recognition in his eyes.

I am not sure I can be the strength I need to be for my family as we face the days ahead. Any words of wisdom as we face the days of lonliness and heartache. It was hard to see dad the way he was before his illness. I still see what the dementia left a shell who had no quality of life. I know his death was a blessing that freed him from more suffering, but it only increases mine....I am scared

[jetman999]

On May 21, 2008, my wife of 23 years was on her way to an investigation of child abuse (she was a social worker) when she glanced down at her directions to the home.  She failed to negotiate a curve and was killed in a one-car accident.  The police and coroner said that the death was instant, which provided some, albeit minimal, comfort.  I was notified when a colleague of hers who was a female detective with the local police force came to my home to tell me.  Since that day, my world is gone.  We met in high school and were married early (she had not yet turned 40 when she died).  I never had a bank account without her name on it, never voted in an election without her by my side, never did many many things without her.   She was my everything.  Although I became a success in life, it was only because she inspired me to do so.  Everything I am is because of her.  Everywhere I look in my house, in the grocery store, in the community I am reminded of her.  Every song I love, every movie....everything has her essence associated with it.  I heard a phrase a few years ago that described what she meant to me.  I would call her the phrase from time to time, and now I realize how accurate I was.  Raison d'etre.  A french phrase meaning "reason for living" or "reason for existing".  I miss her so much I truly cannot stand it.  Every day I talk to her and ask her that, if she can hear me, to come get me.  I am ready.  I truly do not believe I was meant to live to this age without her and cannot imagine another 30-40 years without her.  I am ready.  Please come get me.

[laurenE]

jetman,

I am so sorry for your pain.  I am also a social worker (clinical) and look up to child protective workers, as they put their lives at risk whenever they enter someones home who may be abusing their kids.   Your wife obviously had a kind caring heart.       
It is amazing how all encompassing a person-especially a spouse orchild, can be in ones life, isnt it?   Everything reminds us of them and when they are gone it literally  would feel like it has destroyed our life as we know it.   

I do hope you find a widows support group in your community to help you thru this.  Grief was not meant to be faced alone.  I am glad you found us here.

Lauren

[Tom]

Hi Jetman -  So sorry that you needed to find us but I'm glad you did.  Sudden death is a very difficult loss to deal with.  It brings a great deal of chaos along with the overwhelming sadness.  The suddeness can leave us raw for some time.  I hope you can use the forums as a means to check in and tell your story.  Knowing others are going through similar experiences can help a little bit and I am sure you will find others who can relate to your situation.  It's tough.

Do you post on the KFFL boards?  I think I know a Jetman who posts there and wondered if you might be him.

Tom 

On May 21, 2008, my wife of 23 years was on her way to an investigation of child abuse (she was a social worker) when she glanced down at her directions to the home.  She failed to negotiate a curve and was killed in a one-car accident.  The police and coroner said that the death was instant, which provided some, albeit minimal, comfort.  I was notified when a colleague of hers who was a female detective with the local police force came to my home to tell me.  Since that day, my world is gone.  We met in high school and were married early (she had not yet turned 40 when she died).  I never had a bank account without her name on it, never voted in an election without her by my side, never did many many things without her.   She was my everything.  Although I became a success in life, it was only because she inspired me to do so.  Everything I am is because of her.  Everywhere I look in my house, in the grocery store, in the community I am reminded of her.  Every song I love, every movie....everything has her essence associated with it.  I heard a phrase a few years ago that described what she meant to me.  I would call her the phrase from time to time, and now I realize how accurate I was.  Raison d'etre.  A french phrase meaning "reason for living" or "reason for existing".  I miss her so much I truly cannot stand it.  Every day I talk to her and ask her that, if she can hear me, to come get me.  I am ready.  I truly do not believe I was meant to live to this age without her and cannot imagine another 30-40 years without her.  I am ready.  Please come get me.

[jetman999]

Thanks for the kind words.  No, I dont guess its me...I dont know what the KFFL boards are.   Thank you and Lauren for welcoming me here.  I honestly am not sure if it well help though.  I am not sure if I am going to make it.  I am not sure what I even mean by 'make it', but I am breathless and hopeless and lonely and desperate and desolate--she really, truly was my everything.   

[Debi9783]

Not sure where to begin, then sure once i get going i wont be able to shut up. I lost my beloved husband May 3rd. 9 months after they found his cancer. We knew that there was no cure but we hoped and prayed that we would still have a few more years. He was allready stage 4. I have never felt so lonley , hollow and alone all at the same time. I hate weekends, this was are time together. He was only 46 and was taken way to early. I am tired of being told he is a better place.(his better place was in my arms)We were soul mates. I do beilive he is in heaven. 20 years were not enough.I dont know what im supposed to do with all the time im not at work any more. i hate crowds at this point in my life. And not into idle chit chat. I feel like my world has crumbled. And not sure of how to pick up even 1 brick.

[jetman999]

Debi,

My heart truly hurts for you.  See my post a few spots above yours about my wife.  I truly know how you feel.  Better place?  I also know how that feels and I feel like telling people the same thing--the better place was in my arms.  People tell me that I need to talk to the doctor to get help for my grief, but the doctor cannot bring my wife back.  I dont know what to say to you, since I cannot get past my own pain and am completely lost without my wife. But know that I understand.

[laurenE]

welcome debbie, 
so sorry you need to be here.  I hope you  find comfort here.

[saba]

"I dont know what im supposed to do with all the time im not at work any more. i hate crowds at this point in my life. And not into idle chit chat. I feel like my world has crumbled. And not sure of how to pick up even 1 brick. "

It s same here Debbie aftr loosing my mother in jan, all i want people to do is to talk about her n NOTHING ELSE! i kno sh s in Heaven but i still want her here with me. Wishing u comfort,
saba

[Barbara]

My name is Barbara, and I have lost my eldest son, Patrick, in an accident on June 30th, 2008. He was 22 yrs old. He was at a stop light on his way to work, on his motorcycle when he was hit from behind and thrown airborne. He died of head injuries. This was a 5 vehicle accident. I am thankful that even though he was pronounced as deceased (July 1st, 2008), I was able to spend time with him as he was kept on life support for organ donation. It took us eight hours to drive to the hospital where he was. I thank GOD every day for the time I was able to spend with him before he went to surgery. I was able to say the things to him that I needed to. I look forward to hearing from the donor recipients as I think this will provide some sort of comfort. But at this time I feel lost. There are things I should be doing but honestly nothing else matters to me at this time.

[Jeanneb]

Welcome Barbara,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious son.  I hope as you are able  you will come and post on the child loss board.

Your story rings some similarities to our journey.  We lost our youngest son Philip at age 17 due to an auto accident.  His accident was July 19, 2003 on a beautiful sunny saturday morning and he was pronounced dead on July 21, 2003.  He was on life support in order that we too could donate his organs.  As you can see by the dates we are fast approaching five years without our son.  It has been a long painful journey but  none of us walk alone.

As you are able please come post on the child loss board, there are many loving caring parents, aunts who truly understand your pain. It is one minute, one breath, one step at a time.

Hugs,
Jeanne
Philip's mom forever

[jassa427]

Hello,

Exactly 1 year and 1 month ago -- June 18, 2007 -- my 40 yo sister "M"(we were like siamese twins!) and her two daughters "N"(8yo) & "L"(6yo) were murdered by her husband who then shot & killed himself. 

this happened in east bay, calif; i live in philadelphia.  i'm the oldest of us 3 sisters, M was the middle one, & i have one more surviving kid-sister "W"(38) who also lives in calif with her husband & 2 toddlers.

this year has been total hell.  i feel absolutely alone.  no one knew them here in philly.  other survivors i've met have said the only reason they're "still here" is because of their other children.  i have no children myself, lost my longterm partner in 2003, my father in 2000, & our mother is likely afflicted with borderline personality disorder -- i.e., i'd lost her long long ago.  not sure what keeps me here.  my dance career now feels totally irrelevant & meaningless.

i've often thought how much happier i'd be if i could just go & join MNL. i've had a fairly good life of 43 years.  now, it seems like there's nothing to look forward to.  i know it's irrational but i keep wanting to trade places with them -- the so-called "bargaining."  take me instead, bring them back.  let them live!

because we never saw the bodies before they were cremated (we were advised against it, & at the time were relieved to be let off the hook), some people in the east bay still believe in a conspiracy theory -- that such a loving husband & father couldn't have done it, so he probably didn't do it.  that it's all a set up for some unknown reason & that they are actually out there, alive and well, even though they can't tell us.

there are moments i absolutely want to believe this.  but his suicide note was too unpolished for a "made-up" conspiracy.  it belied a deranged narcissism that i will never forgive.

anyway, i feel utterly alone & full of rage.  friends in philly have been "caring but unavailable."  i'm sick of it.  i'm mad at the people i thought would be there for me.  i'm mad that 30% of murdered women are killed by their intimate partner.  i'm mad that i've  gained so much weight i can barely look at myself in the mirror.  most of all, i'm just so pissed that M, who was a beloved doctor and a devoted mother, had it all taken away from her -- even the chance to protect her own children.

and i despair that as much as we tried to give N & L a loving, beautiful life, that we three sisters-- after suffering and "overcoming" the chaos & emotional abuse of our parents -- couldn't save the next generation from violence.

and to her husband's siblings, should you be on this site...
i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry for you too.

[laurenE]

Barbara,

Welcome.   I am so very sorry for the loss of your son.    My friend received a liver transplant in Indpls by an organ donar  on July 2 at IU Med Ctr.   He was told his liver may have come from a 20-something yr old who died from a motorcycle accident.   My friend is doing very well now, thanks to someone like your son.

I am so very thankful for all organ donars.   It saved my friends life.    And it was bitter sweet as we all did think about and pray for the family who lost the precious loved one who gave his organs so that others can live.   

Im so very sorry you have to be in this place called grief.   Welcome and  thank you for donating his organs.

Lauren