Welcome

[AmyBeth]

:'(Hi - My name is Amy and I'm lying awake at 3:00 a.m. because my mother died after a brief and unexpected death yesterday.  I am freaked out and feel like I'm losing my mind thinking about the past three days, watching my mother and best friend, and closest confidante, and supporter die. 

I am so angry that she was so ripped off, not being able to finish any thoughts or conversations she needed to have.  And I'm angry that we didn't get to do so many things we planned on.  And no time to process this whole idea of my mom dying has left me devastated. 

This is the fourth night I haven't slept because I see her face as death progressed and can't think about her being in the hospital freezer right now and I can't go get her out and get her back where she was.

This is truly the most agonizing state I never imagined it to be.  How do I talk to others and participate in a regular life when I'm horrifyingly out of control, laughing hysterically one minute only to have it turn into hysterical sobbing?  This alone is scaring me.  How do I go to bed without seeing picture after picture of my mom in the various phases of death and afterdeath procedures?  My heart is truly broken now and it's suffocating me.

[saba]

Hi, Amy at this moment nothng i say would hav much effect on u i kno bcoz "been there done that" my own precious mother left me the same way in Jan aftr 5 days of illness n here i m tryng not to think that she s never again going to "set everythng right" for me by just one touch,one smile, one look....
here, i hav depressd u even more, isnt it?the only  advice i can giv so erly in the day is to cry as oftn as u feel like, u r not answerabl for yr tears to any1 at all so no need 2 hide them then talk to yr mom as u used to wen u r alone, tho i wd also suggst to share yr feelngs wth any1 person u r close to n if ther s no sch person then vent out here in this forum, v r here to listen always.

[grainofsand]

AmyBeth
I am so sorry for your the loss of your mother.  My heart goes out to you.
Perhaps you can try to get some pictures of happier times of your mother, and keep looking at those.  That might be tough for you to do as well, but you need to give your brain something to focus on, rather than the last moments you remember.  Soon you will not have those phases of death images as your memories of your mother.

Grief and mourning effects us all in different ways.  Your body will tell you how it wants to do it, and don't worry if others don't approve.  Our body does things to protect itself from pain, so be gentle with yourself, and give yourself what it needs to cope (sleep, being around friends or family, talking with your mother, writing her notes, seeing a counselor...stuff like that). 

Again, I am sorry for your loss.

[laurenE]

Amy,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your mother.  The things you are experiencing are very normal.  Shock and grief takes on many forms.  It can be a time of  literally being confused and  experiencing strange emotions.   

Please be careful these next few weeks,  as shock can last for weeks on end and you may find yourself bumping into things, or knocking stuff over.  I got lost coming home from the store on the street I live on  after my mother died.  You might want to ask someone to drive you around for awhile.

As for the images of your mother dying.  Those do fade away.   It takes time. Everything about grief takes time unfortunatly.     When it happens,  immediately picture your favorite vacation spot and ask yourself these questions about that spot:  as I am standing here in my favorite beautiful place.... what do I see?  what do I hear?  what do I smell? what can I touch?  and what do I taste?
Then as you go through each question,  name 2 or 3 things that you can see, smell, taste, touch and hear.   

Please continue to let us know how you are doing.   There are many of us who have lost our mothers so you are not alone in your grief.    Mine died 6 yrs ago this Aug.  I never thought I would make it this far but thanks to this websight,  I have.
Writing here helps because you are getting out your pain and your feelings.

You are in my thoughts and prayers as you go through these next few days with the funeral.

Lauren

[NannyRachel]

Hello, I am new to this.  My nephew committed suicide at the end of April on a Sunday.  I'm dealing with it okay, however I am on here because I am worried about my sister and my other nephew.  They are not dealing with it at all.  My sister is blaming herself, and now she is having nightmares about him and thinks he may be at unrest.  I do not know much about unrest souls.  Any advise?  About my surviving nephew, well he is not dealing with it at all.  He does not talk about it at all.  The day he found out, he went fishing with friends, the next day, Monday after, he went to school and did not tell a person what happen.  The night of the funeral he went to the movies.  I tried talking to him, but he says he is okay and then goes off to do something else.  He never mentions his brother.  He acks like nothing happen.  I am just very worried about both of them.  Any advise?

[lost the love of my life]

I don't know where to begin.  Today I buried my husband and best friend.  Ron was the love of my life.  We were best friend first and met about 3 years ago.  He was my shoulder to cry on during the worst divorce ever.  My daughter loves him, just as anyone did.  My husband was one of those once in a life time people.  He spent the majority of his life helping other people out.  He put his life on hold for 8 years to take care of his sick mother.  He has a nephew and several godchildren that just thought he was the greatest guy in the world, and he is.  My husband propsed Christmas 2006 and we lost his mother the following April.  We were married last October and did not even have our one year anniversary.  Ron was the type of husband that you KNEW WITHOUT DOUBT that he loved you 24 hours a day == 7 days a week.  He gave 150% of himself constantly, putting our daughter and myself always first.  I feel horrible because she is suffering tremedously also.   
My daughter's biological father does not speak to her and she loved Ron so much.  He was going to adopt her this year, as a surprise Chrstmas gift.  He was only 42 and died of a massive heart attack. 
He and my daughter are my world, so I lost one half of it one week ago.  I have been going around in a tranz. (sp?)  I cannot sleep but am exhausted.  I cannot eat much more than enough to make everyone happy.  I feel like I just don't know what to do tomorrow morning.  I never pictured my life without him.  I miss everything about him.  Everyone says, take one day at a time.  The only problem is that the only thing that I want to do tomorrow is to get up and go to the cemetary to sit by his side.  The had to ask me to leave the funeral home last night after the wake.  Again, today, while sitting beside him after the graveside services.......I just could not get up.  I loved him with all of my heart.  He was the most amazing person that I have ever met. 
Before I met him, I did not believe in true love or soul mates.  Now I not only believe, but do not know what to do because I have lost mine.............
 

[lili]

Hi, I'm new here, and I really need some help. Why can't I stop crying? It's been nearly 3 weeks, and it's getting worse and not better. I think I just cannot accept my grandmother's death. How do you accept losing your anchor - the only person you've been able to depend on in your whole life? She stayed with me. Now the rest of the family, who didn't see that much of her think I'm a basket case and need a psychiatrist. Is this normal? They all think I should long be over it. What's wrong with me

[lilangelbutterfly]

  Hi I am new here... My name is lilangelbutterfly. I am grieving the lose of friends that were killed in a plane crash last week. I do not know how to deal with it now that it is all over. Nor, do I even know how to help my friend at this point. I am not doing well at all. I found this site via another. I have so many losses in my background, that this just stirs up more and more emotions. As being OCD, it is also very hard to let go. It consumes my everyday and night. All I want to do is cry. I made it thru the week, and now that it is all over, I can not hold it all together anymore. There is a part of me that thinks I just need to go to the hospital. I have had a migraine for a week on top of the overconsuming sadness and depression that only seems to be getting worse. So, I am here first to try for help... Please God... Send me to someone... someone who can help... lil

[iammyself]

Hi. My real name is Paul, I lost my mother on May 25th of this year. Three weeks ago today. I was sitting at this very computer at work when I received the call. My mother had been in ill health for the past many years, but her death was unexpected. I have my good days, my horrible days, and every day in between. I hope in this forum I can receive and give support to those in a similar situation.

[kevinjj]

Hi, my name is Kevin. On 2/14/08, my wife Betty died. We were married 21 yrs 5 mo to the day. She had a total L side stroke as the result of heart surgery - 5 bypasses and an aneyrysm patched on the heart itself. She was diabetic, her heart was functioning at 30%, she had bad kidneys and her arteries were weak with alot of plaque in them. The surgery made her heart much stronger and when it started up, an atery burst on the L side, leaving her in a vegetative state. Life support was suspended. I was fully devoted and committed to her and faithful to her and she to me. She was the first person I was ever able to commit to as an adult and she was the best thing that ever happened to me. Now she is gone and I have to start all over. I'm so lonely and sad and I miss her so much. I'm really lost without her. The house is so empty. We didn't have children - I married late and her two kids  from a previous marriage were young adults when we married. I am blessed to be very close/attached to  Betty's extended family that lives in the area but I am not at all close to her daughter but somewhat closer to her son.

[Bens Mom]

I've been in search of a site just like this, to find others who have gone through a similar situation.  My son Ben committed suicide February 18, 2008, just 2 months and 1 day after his 15th Birthday.  I have talked to others who have lost a child, but I sometimes find it difficult to relate on certain levels to those who have had a child taken, versus a child who found it necessary to leave on his own.  Thank you for setting up this site, I'm looking forward to sharing with others.

[Tom]

Welcome to all of you and my apologies for not geetting back to you and welcoming you sooner.  So sorry for all of your losses. 

NannyRachel -- Suicide often brings a very different kind of grief.  In fact we are thinking of starting a separate board just for suicide.  I would be curious to hear if you thnk that would be useful.  So often with suicide, since there are so many unanswwered questions, people tend to blame themselves.  The "what ifs" and the "if only I's" populate our consciousness and it makes life very difficult.  Blessings to you.

lost the love of my life --  Keep in mind that love is related to grief.  The basic rule is that the more we love someone the more we grieve following their death.  Wear your tears proudly and know they are a marker of your love.

lili -  Crying is a sign of grief and is hopefully welcome.  There is a tribe in Africa that thinks that their tears are the "fuel" to move their loved one into the realm of the ancesters.  These people try to cry as much as possible.  Not crying is a sign of disrespect.  Different from our culture don't you think?  We could learn something from them.

lilangelbutterfly -  Sudden death makes things worse.  It also resonates with all of our unfinished losses.  Use all the supports you have and it never hurts to find groups who understand. 

Paul -  Same idea with the unexpected deaths.  When a death is unexpected, (sudden, violent, random) it makes the grief more difficult.

Kevin -  The losses we have from a long term relationship become more complicated since our daily lives shift in ways that we had never anticipated.  Life can become like an uncomfortable chaos.  Sounds like you are chipping away at it.  This is a good thing.

Ben's mom --  I would l be interested in hearing from you about whether you think a separate forum for suicide would be helpful.

Blessings to all and glad you have found this space.  I hope you find it helpful.

Tom 

[coping in DC]

Hi, I just found this website and this if my first time trying something like this, but I thought I needed to look for different avenues of support. About 3 weeks ago, my boyfriend was shot during an attempted mugging. Miraculously he is doing ok and out of the hospital. No word on whether they'll catch the people that did this. I've started talking to a counselor, but find that sometimes it is easier to talk anonomously. I just wanted a place to find people that have experience the same thing and learn  more about ways to cope. I know that I am not the 'survivor' of the violent act, but it has rocked me to my core. It has been so hard, as he is staying with family right now until he gets better. But being alone and without him is so painful. And it hurts because I dont know how to help him. He's such a shell of himself right now and I cant get over the fact that we almost lost him. I guess in short I feel like I've lost the life that we were building and that things will never be the same. I dont know if either of us will be the same once we go through the process of healing. To top it all off, had to start my new job 2 days after this happened and have just been trying to hold it all together. Sorry for the long post, but I hope this was the right place to come. I hope that I can learn from others here or even get suggestions on what to do during the healing process. I feel for anyone that has gone through any type of loss or traumatic event and find comfort in the fact that there are so many people able and willing to share their experiences.

[Tom]

Hi Coping.  Sorry to hear of your recent trauma.  Sudden trauma such as you are going through throws us into chaos and it is hard sometimes to keep our head above water. 

The boards here are mostly for folks who have experienced the death of someone they love.  There is a board here for non-death related grief but you may not find others who have had a similar experience to your own.    Let me know if you have questions.

Tom

[EF]

Hi My Name is EF..My Husband passed away about 4 weeks ago..he had severe depression and addiction issues.  He took his life the day after memorial day..I am so heartbroken..he was the love of my life and I really didn;t know how I could help him..We tried In patient rehab..Outpatient rehab..different therapists and specialists but I guess he was just so tired of fighting the depression..I hope that the pain I am feeling will soon subside even a bit...