Welcome

[horsepreacher]

I am new never been to a place like this before. My girls and I lost our best friend our spouse our mother and one of Christs very special ones just wings short of being an angel. she has been gone for a year now and it still hurts even to the point that I can't talk to or face the friends she and i had. houw do I get thru all this I still function some what normal still don't drink or do drugs i just don't do much any thing other that work. I hope that if talking to people who have been were we are can help us sort thru this 

[bubbles777]

Thank You grainofsand !!

I am trying to keep an open mind to all these new events. We have been dealing with the mothers drama a bit lately, I have good days and bad ones. But I am just taking things one day at a time. I want my relationship to work, I have seven years invested and I do love him. It is just so hard to accept all these changes.Today is a good day, we'll see what tommorow brings.

This is a great site!!

Thanks

[Liz]

Dear Tom,
      My husband passed away Sept 25th, 2008. It has been difficult especially since I have twin teen age boys still living at home with me. There were problems with discipline even before my husband died (our parenting style differed). I am very frustrated and stressed out. Any advice?
Liz

[laurenE]

dear liz,

I am so sorry for your loss.   It is so difficult to lose a spouse when you still have kids to raise.  There are many in the same situation that you are in right now,  here on this board. 

Thank you for introducing yourself on our intro board.  Most of the action takes place on our MAIN board,  so please continue to post there and you will get responses from other loving folks here who are also suffering from the loss of someone dear to them. 

welcome to our board,
lauren

[Tom]

Dear Tom,
      My husband passed away Sept 25th, 2008. It has been difficult especially since I have twin teen age boys still living at home with me. There were problems with discipline even before my husband died (our parenting style differed). I am very frustrated and stressed out. Any advice?
Liz

Hi Liz -  Lauren is correct, one of the best things you can do is to spend time with others who have experienced a similar loss.  Sadly, our culture is terrible at honoring, supporting or even acknowledging the grieving process.  Those who are going through the same loss will be much more likely do all of those things and more. 

You might also want to check out a conference next summer in San Diego that is specifically an event for widows.  If you are interested I can post some info.  Looks like I will be one of the presenters.  It should be a great conference and a wonderful way to connect.

Tom

[Jeanneb]

Liz,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband.  With kids at home it must be difficult to balance everything and find time for you.

As you are able I hope you come back and keep posting.  You might try posting on the main board where I know  you will find many who walk this journey with you and maybe can offer some suggestions that might help.

I'm sorry you have a need for this board but glad that you found us.

Hold on tight,
Jeanne
Philip's mom forever
Bruce's sister

[tomad51]

Dear companions, 
I am the Coordinator of a Program for Homebound Elderly.  I lost my father on Christmas Day night in 1987.  My mother at 81 is still alive on dialysis currently coping with an infection.  I have done HIV ministry in Brazil and experienced multiple deaths.  I have done grief training and did my chaplain training at a hospital for patients terminally ill with cancer.   In 2006 we almost lost our 26 year old son to an assault.  He was in the ICU for 6 weeks and Rehab for 6 more weeks.  He survived but did suffer major trauma.  I will soon be training volunteers  to do this ministry.  Two of the persons I have been visiting are not doing well one is 88 and the other is younger but with asthma.  I found a web description of the differences between grief and trauma.

Grief                                         vs. Trauma

The Effects of Grief   
The Effects of Trauma

Sadness is the dominant emotion.   
Terror is the dominant emotion.

Grief feels real.   
Trauma feels unreal.

Talking about grief can help.   
Talking about trauma is difficult or impossible.

Pain is related to the loss.   
Pain involves not just loss, but terror, helplessness, and fear of danger.

Anger is nonviolent.   
Anger often involves violence towards yourself or others.

Guilt involves unfinished emotional business with the deceased.   
Guilt includes self-blame for what happened or thoughts that it should have been you who was harmed.

Your self-image and confidence generally remain intact.   
Your self-image and confidence are distorted and undermined.

You dream about the person you lost.   
You dream about yourself in danger.

Symptoms lessen naturally over time.   
Untreated, symptoms may get worse.


http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm


Tom

[Tom]

Grief and trauma are not clearly separate entities.  The grief from a suicide or murder or sudden death such as a car crash involve what you are describing as trauma while trauma also incorporates many of the elements of grief.  Gotta take em one at a time.

[wantthrive]

Hi, I'm a newcomer here. My eyes are tearing up. I have chronic PTSD. Several people I've known earlier in my life committed suicide. Recently, I've been talking with my sister who was a social worker, about the possibility that I have complicated grief from the vehicular homicide of our brother.

Although this traumatic loss happened decades ago, I am becoming aware that it, too, is something I still need to heal from. I didn't get to heal from it at the time, and it kicked off a lifetime (so far) of disability and retraumatization. This all sounds so severe and even hopeless.
Sometimes I see that I've gained a lot through the losses. I have a ways to go to be able to work more, maybe go back to school.

I am seeking a new therapist, and I'm not having an easy time of it. I like a lot of things about myself, but it is very hard sometimes being single, living alone, and fighting this.
I won't give up.

Thanks for reading this.

Sincerely,
wantthrive

[Tom]

Wantthrive -  You may be right that you have ptsd.  I would urge you to find a good therapist who knows about grief and also uses EMDR.  Good grief therapy combined with some EMDR treatment can take some of the sting out of old persistent memories that keep coming involuntarily into consciousness.  Sometimes a local hospice will know good therapists in your area who are conversant with grief/ptsd and use emdr.

T

 

[georgiapeaches]

Hi Liz, I am so sorry for your loss. I have 3 teens and my has very bad anger problems. My husband passed away in april and we have different parenting styles too. He felt boys should be treated diffent. I have it very hard with my son right now. I am trying to get him into therepy, but am on a waiting list. I cant beleive what  has happened in our lives and hope you have some peace.

Georgia.

[i12thrive]

Hi,
Thanks, Tom. I had to register again, couldn't change password somehow. I was wantthrive, now 12thrive.

I have diagnosed PTSD. I've had a LOT of therapy. I did have some EMDR, and the last therapist I had, who did EMDR, said it wouldn't help me because my concerns were current, not from the past. If I had CSA, and my bro was killed by a drunk driver when I was 16, I think that my concerns are more than current.

The process of searching for yet another therapist is painful at best. The last one I saw twice told me I'd have self-esteem problems for the rest of my life. I wrote her an email and said, 'I don't think you or anyone knows that, especially from seeing me only twice.

I have overcome a lot, Tom. I do want to get another therapist. I guess by now, I know they have their limitations
12thrive

[Tom]

Hi,
Thanks, Tom. I had to register again, couldn't change password somehow. I was wantthrive, now 12thrive.

I have diagnosed PTSD. I've had a LOT of therapy. I did have some EMDR, and the last therapist I had, who did EMDR, said it wouldn't help me because my concerns were current, not from the past. If I had CSA, and my bro was killed by a drunk driver when I was 16, I think that my concerns are more than current.

The process of searching for yet another therapist is painful at best. The last one I saw twice told me I'd have self-esteem problems for the rest of my life. I wrote her an email and said, 'I don't think you or anyone knows that, especially from seeing me only twice.

I have overcome a lot, Tom. I do want to get another therapist. I guess by now, I know they have their limitations
12thrive

Hi Thrive -  I would urge you to make sure you find someone who specializes in grief and in PTSD.  There are folks out there like this, I am one of them.  A traditional therapist may be more likely to think in terms of symptoms and symptom removal while a grief therapist is more likely to think in terms of getting the story told.  Big difference and in the case of grief and ptsd it is essential.  One tiny suggestion when looking for a therapist, make sure you choose someone who creates a space where you feel safe.  This is the first element because the story simply doesn't emerge unless people feel a certain safety.   With both grief and ptsd you need to tell the story repeatedly and unless you feel a certain safety you will likely not even start to tell it in its fullness.  Also, make sure you interview at least three therapists and chose the one where you feel most comfortable. 

[Jeanneb]

Hi Thrive,

Tom has certainly given some excellent advice.

I did see a therapist and also did some EMDR with her.  I can tell you from my point of view it is the best thing I ever did and really helped me.  I highly recommend therapy and EMDR for PTSD.

Keep looking for that right person... they are out there.  I live in the Houston Texas area if you are from this area I would happily suggest the person I saw.

Best wishes,
Jeanne
Philip's mom forever
Bruce's sister

[adamsmum]

This is my first time to use this site.My son and only child adam died on the 20/10/08.He was knocked of his push bike on the 18/10/08 and died two days later.He was only 16 and loved life and was looking forward to becoming a football coach when he finished school.Christmas was very hard instead of buying presants we were buying a cabinet for his ashes.We got him cremated and brought him home to have him close.His friends have been very good and even put a tribute on u tube called adam moran tribute .I came across this site and realise i am not on my own in my grive.