Losing My Beautiful Baby Sister

[4Kayla]

Hi.  I am new to this board and am unfortunately new to this sad group we all belong to, those who have lost loved one.  In September my 17 year old sister was killed with two of her best friends in a horrible car accident when the car they were riding in was broadsided by a 40 foot refrigerated delivery truck.  My sister took the brunt of the force, and had more cause of death injuries than one poor body should have to endure.  I decided it was time to look for somewhere to talk about my grief, because it's so hard to talk to anyone that hasn't endured this pain.  
Everytime I feel like I'm at a "controllable" level in my grief, I feel like I fall back and it's that day in September all over again, and my heart feels freshly torn out of my chest.  
Anyway, that's why I'm here.  I am sorry to everyone else on this page.   I wouldn't wish this tremendous pain on anyone, and unfortunately there's too many people feeling it.

[kelly37]

Hello!  I'm so sorry for your loss.  I have found this site to be a saving grace for me. It's a place where I can vent, share, laugh, cry---whatever....and no one judges me. I don't know about you but sometimes my closest friends act like I have a disease when it comes to talking about my losses!  They don't know what to say & they look at me like "you haven't gotten over it yet?". 

I've lost a brother & a father, both to motorcycle accidents 5 years apart.  I know the pain you are experiencing; it's a pain like no other.  My heart aches to see a family so happy, all together! I want my family back but I'll never have it.  Days are like roller coasters, aren't they?  Some days I'm happy & I think I'll get through this; then something triggers a thought & I'm back to the day of the accidents & I can't believe it.

I hope you'll find some sort of comfort  here.  It really stinks to have to meet people this way, but then again we're brought here for a reason.  I believe it's a place we can come & know we're not alone & that it will bring us comfort knowing we are in this together and we'll help each other get through another day.  I feel closer to people here than some of my best friends I've had for years!  It's a great place; I wish I had found it sooner!

Kelly

[Lonnie]

4Kayla: I am so glad that you have found a place to express your thoughts, where people truly understand what it is like to lose someone we love so much. Please be easy on yourself, and don't rush through the grieving process. It really is a journey, and it takes time. I am so very sorry that you lost your sister in such a terrible accident, and you are still so early on in the total shock of it all. Our society really doesn't allow enough time for grief, and unless someone has been through it, they can't imagine the sorrow of it all. I hope you will find this a place that you can be real. Working through your grief step by step is the healthy way to deal with it. It isn't easy, but it is necessary. We're here for you any time. Hugs-Lonnie

[Crushed]

4Kayla: Everything the others have written is very true. This is all so new for you and the shock and reality haven't begun to even out. Please be gentle with yourself and know that others care and are here to listen and support you. I am sorry that your sister passed in such a tragic way. My hubby did also and his body was so badly hurt that we were advised not to see him, so we didn't. Please visit as you wish and you can share anything here with no judgment. 

[4Kayla]

Thank you so much.  I resisted joining a group like this because I feel bad telling people how much I hurt when I know they are hurting too.  But then I figured out that those are the only people that can begin to understand why I can't "just get over it".   I haven't had anyone say it to me, but I'm starting to feel like that's how people are thinking.  My husband is great, but with our schedules and our child it is hard to get time to just sit down and talk about it.  I don't like talking about it too much in front of my son, because right after it happened it upset him so badly he had nightmares for quite awhile.  At his young age I want him to only remember his Auntie in a happy way.   
To Kelly and Crushed I am so sorry for your pain.  Accidents are supposed to happen to "other" people right?  I have felt trapped in a horrible nightmare where I can "see" the accident happening over and over again--which I didn't in reality.  It's just the images from my own mind and pictures of the scene and how my sister looked.   Does or did that happen to you too?  I'm just wondering if those horrible images go away.

[kelly37]

4Kayla,
You sound a lot like me.  I didn't want to burden my family, friends, co-workers w/my pain.  They didn't know my loss or hurt.  My kids took loosing their grandpa very hard (when my brother passed away they were too young to really know what happened but have fond memories of him).  But loosing grandpa was different; they knew something wasn't right. They were very close to my parents & it was summer so they wondered why grandpa was coming over on the bike.  I feel guilty for not letting them see him 1 more time in ICU.  The hospital would've let them quickly but I said no.  I didn't want them to see their grandpa like that & I thought he'd make it out anyway.  Heck the doctor we were working with even said he was going to make it.  I was gone from my family for 18 days holding my dad's hand in ICU at a nearby trauma center.  Honestly I put my kids/husband on back burner. I needed to be there for my dad.  I wanted to be the first one he saw when he woke up. 

I wish I could tell you the images will go away.  Give yourself time.  I still have a hard time w/my dad b/c it hasn't been that long.  But I don't think about my brother's accident as much anymore but it has been 6 years.  Don't get me wrong I still dearly miss him but the visions his accident report left in my head are blurry & not as tormenting anymore. 

I still have fresh, horrible visions of my parents accident & hopsital stay.  For me the images do not go away. Night time seems to be the worst when I'm laying there trying to go to sleep.  I think my dad's death has hit me so hard b/c he was so alert & oriented when I saw him after the accident.  Then to have him go to surgery that night for his legs & never come back to us----I always wonder what happened? The witness from the accident explained too much to me.  She said "there's a guy bent in half & he doesn't look good"---not knowing that was my dad at the time. She said my parents were fine.  She thought my parents were the other couple my parents were riding with.  Here, my mom was on the side of the road w/half of her scalp hanging off but the witness didn't know that; she thought my dad was riding alone.  She must've missed the actual hit when my mom was ejected from the bike. The other couple came out w/minor injuries.   

It's like a movie playing over & over in my head---I picture what happened & want to get sick.  My dad was a navy man, a truck driver, then an instructor at a local college (for motorcycle safety & truck driving) for the past 12 years of his life.  He so deserved his retirement that was coming up for him but he never made it there.  My dad's death has traumatized me b/c the way he suffered afterwards.  My brother died instantly.

Please visit us often here.  I think you'll find it great comfort knowing you can talk to us anytime about anything.  I've posted before about how friends think you should be over it & it hurts me that I can't talk to them about it.  Here, you can express your anger and we will listen!  Sorry if I got carried away in this post. I just wanted to answer your question & I went into too much detail!  This is how I vent & get it out!  I hope you will too when you're ready!

Kelly

[Lonnie]

Kelly, It's kind of neat the way that works. When we come to answer another person's post, we usually share some of our feelings. Often that will lead us to talk about the loss of our loved ones, and before you know it, we've been able to tell our story once again, and get out the feelings that we need to. That's probably what makes this place so healing. We are getting healed as we are helping others heal. It's a really neat concept! Hugs-Lonnie