anniversary dates

[Phoebe]

I am just so tired of those recurring anniversary dates!  Every month I have to live through three 'death dates', three 'funeral dates' plus any birthdays or other special occasions that happen.  Each one wipes me out, sends me into a depression or reactivates the grief in some way or other.

How do you each deal with this?  I dread at least 6 days of each month - there has to be a better way to handle this.  Everyone else in my life thinks the deaths happened a long time ago and I should be 'over it' - but it is less than a year and I'm NOT 'over it'.

I wish there was a grief plan that would tell me the best way to 'get over it' and not have these monthly bouts of misery.

 Phoebe

[Lonnie]

Phoebe: I am so sorry that so many in your life have not understood how painful these days are for you. It is amazing that to some it is just a day, but to those of us who have lost that close loved one, it is a sorrowful day. Perhaps some others here will have suggestions for you. Many have said that for them, the anticipation was worse than the actual day on some of the dates. Of course, the Holiday Season is so difficult to get through, because we are so painfully aware of those that are missing. There truly is no "getting over it", but there is a getting through it-one step at a time. One year is a very short time to process your grief. Did more than one person die? It sounded like it from your post. If so, multiple deaths present an even more difficult grieving (if that's possible.) I think the first year you are almost totally in shock, and it isn't until the second year that you truly realize that the person is not coming back. Let's see what some of the others have to say. Many prayers and hugs-Lonnie

[Phoebe]

Thank you for the understanding and friendly reply.  This spring I lost my brother, my sister and my brother in law in less than three months.  Mostly I've been kind of numb till now - I guess it is too much all at once?  I can hardly remember what I have done to fill in the days - everything is a kind of grey blur.  Now I'm starting to really feel devastated and my friends have all moved on - to them I suppose my losses are ancient history. 

Its good to come here and read that other people are upset, confused, overwhelmed - if nothing else it helps me know that I'm not totally alone in all this pain.

Phoebe

[Marylou]

Phoebe, I am into this journey for over 6 years, first was my son at 37,  and now my one & only for 1 year and I can't say those anniverary dates will ever get easier. To this day, everyone of them and even non special days,  puts a damper on your being.
No!  >:(no one can tell you it is over and forget it, it can't be done. It can take years or maybe one will never get over it. I am so thankful I have friends and family, who even after this long, do cry with me and give me so much support.
I don't think I gave you much of an answer, I just know how hard it is for me. I want to get stronger and pray those days will get better, but for now they are like yesterday! Each one of those days take me to the loniest, darkness part of life, but then I am so thankful I have had those days with them, for all the beautiful memories they both gave me!!!!
Pray things will get better for you, just remember you are in my thoughts!!!
Marylou

[Crushed]

Dear dear Phoebe, I am so sorry that you have had so many losses so close together. It is so hard to deal with one , let alone 3. I can tell you that in our society life moves very fast and others move on about the time our emotions begin to settle down and we begin to process what has happened to us. At first we are in shock and that protects us and makes it so we can function and do what has to be done , the around the 3rd month or so the bubble wrap begins to pop and reality begins to set in and our walk and work with grief begins and it is very hard work. You have that times 3 and it can be very draining on the body.
 I have found that worrying about certain days and events and dreading them has turned out to be harder than the actual day. I am so grateful that those days hold good memories for the most part and that I never have to live through the actual day of my honey's death again and coming home to the authorities waiting to tell me. The memory will be hard enough. For the other days I make sure to have some plans to help take my mind off of it.
It is very soon for you and I can tell you,even though you won't believe me, that time does help to smooth the edges and the pain does lesson somewhat until the time comes that we learn to live with it and carry our good memories with us. The good news is that we do not have to stay in this horrible state forever. Please be gentle with yourself and treat yourself as you would a friend going through this.

[Phoebe]

Thanks to you both for the warm words.  There is something very special about feeling like you have been heard and understood.  I think this has been missing for me as I travelled along this muddy stretch of my journey through grief.

I live on a different continent from my birth family - my choice - but it has left me marooned and lacking support.  I couldn't get there for the funerals so I missed the hugs from other relatives.  My husband and kids only knew my sister, and of course, not nearly as well as I did!  I have no idea why friends and neighbours don't realise that I am grieving even if they aren't! 

I appreciate your willingness to share - and your efforts at encouragement.
Phoebe 

[nana]

Hello everyone,

This weekend is Thanksgiving in Canada, Monday to be exact.  This will be the first Thanksgiving without my husband.  We had been together for a long time, meeting when I was just 17 and he was 23.  We were married for 39 years.  He was 67 when he died and I was 61.  He died on Dec. 20/06

I am going to try my best for the sake of the grandkids to have a dinner for Thanksgiving as hard as it may be.  I am sure that at the end of the day when everyone has gone home that I will break down, in fact I know I will, but at least I made the grandkids happy.

Instead of having the dinner at suppertime like we always did, I am going to have what I call at "late lunch" at around 3pm.  This way we won't be sitting down at suppertime, because this time of day seems to be my downfall.

Has anyone else here found that doing something different instead of the usual for a holiday or other special occasion has helped?

Christmas will be the hardest because reality has set in, whereas, last year he died 5 days before Christmas and we were all in total shock.

Elaine

[Crushed]

I haven't had the hard holidays of Thanksgiving and Christmas yet, but we are planning our same traditions. I am going to have my best friend, who is single,
stay the night Christmas eve so that I won't be alone that night and Christmasmorning and she can help with the heavy turkey in the morning. R. always helped get it stuffed and in the oven... so she can help me this year. I might start a new tradition Christmas morning of mimosas. Starting the day with some champagne could be fun and oj is good for you!
On Easter we honored R.  with funny stories and memories and we will do the same. After all everyone will be thinking about him and it makes no sense to me to try and ignore the empty spot. My 3 year old grand daughter told me last week that Pa-Pa is playing with Jesus in heaven... so why can't he help celebrate that wonderful birthday? Our extended family  will adopt a needy family and my older daughter will take R.'s role as "head elf." it is not going to be easy, but we will make it a good Holiday season. I have 2 little grand children ( 3 and 7)  and 1 big one that is getting married Nov. 7th. Pa-Pa was to be his best man  and I gave him Pa-Pa's wedding ring.  If it fits, he will wear it for his ring.  I didn't mean to write a book... sorry. Have a good weekend.

[Marylou]

Nana, asI set here and read your post, I want to wish you the BEST Thanksgiving you possibly can have at this in your life. I like you lost my hubby last Aug/06, been together like you said forever, meant at 15, he was 17. We almost made our 45th, but God had other plans.
My first Thanksgiving? as I sit here is one big blank. I for the life of me don't recall it, but am sure we did something. Christmas, well we all thought we would rent this hudge beautiful home in the Pan Handle of Florida, and hope for at least a good Christmas. It wasn't, for some it could be the answer, but for my family and me it was the worst. It was like we forgot to bring him with us. He was a big fan of the holidays and wanted to be home.
These 2 holidays are fast approaching and I pray they will be better, we will stay here in our home in Ohio and do as near what we had done for so many years and pray we feel his presents.
Have A GREAT THANKSGIVING!!!!
Marylou

[Lonnie]

Nana: Happy Thanksgiving, and I know it will be so difficult without your true love. Cry when you need to, and reflect as well, on all the lovely memories you shared through the years.    May God bless you and comfort you during this holiday season and always, Lonnie