"Call me if you need anything"

[darkdaz]

So many people have told me this over the last 3 weeks.  Is it normal for me to feel uncomfortable calling these people and asking for help?  I just cant bring myself to do it.  I wish they would just call me and say hi how ya doing today what can I do to help make your day easier today?   

Actually my phone has been noticably very silent.  Sometimes I wonder if I have done or said something to all those people that came to the funeral 3 weeks ago and told me they would be in touch to make them afraid to call?   

Did anyone else experience this kind of thing?   

Sue   

[Crushed]

Sue:   Yes, yes !  We all have experienced this same thing, I'll wager. Death makes people very uncomfortable and they don't know what to do to make it all better. They can't, but we can help them to help us.  Our pastor told us right from the get go, if someone asks what they can do... tell them. Friends want to help in the worst way and  don't know how. They don't want to intrude and bother you. We are used to helping not being the ones to need help. Of course you are uncomfortable, but pick up that phone and do it anyway. If you are lonely ask a friend over or to go out for lunch, a coke.... whatever. You will be surprised at the response. You haven't done anything wrong , life goes on and they go back to their lives. If you want people to come around you have to reach out. it gets easier with practice. I will say that your couple friends may drift.... that's normal also.  Good luck.

[kay]

Darkdaz:  It is completely normal to feel uncomfortable calling others for support.  I remember so many friends and family telling me the same thing.  I know they were sincere but I just did not have the emotional energy to call anyone.  The hurt and pain you are feeling emotionally also drains your physical energy.  You really wish people would just be there and reach out without your asking them to.  However having been on the other side before my loss, I know sometimes family and friends just don't know what to say or do to make you feel better--really nothing can take the hurt away--but it really helped me to just talk about it.  Eventually you will zero in on the few you will feel safe to call and just talk or visit with.  Just know all these feelings are normal and you will make it one day at a time.  Keep praying and trusting.

[PattyW]

I can't tell you how many times I've heard that phrase.  People don't understand that it's not easy to pick the phone up and ask for help.  My best friends are the ones who just pick up on my cues and know what to do. 

For example, the first few days after my husband's funeral, I didn't feel much like cooking, let alone eating.  My friends took turns bringing food to the house or picked me up and took me out to dinner.  One friend called me on a Saturday, asked me if I had plans, then proceeded to pick me up and took me to get a pedicure.  That was great!

Most folks don't know what to say, so their offer of help is their way to show they care.  I don't think too much about it any more; my real friends are the ones who are calling me and helping me get through this ugly time.

[darkdaz]

Again thanks for your responses.  Right after I posted this I got an email from a friend saying she was thinking of me, still praying for me and wanted me to know it.  Just those few words made me feel so much better.  I also got a card in the mail from another friend offering to come over to help me with yard work, plants, or whatever needs doing.   I guess because my days are so long and so stressful it seems when one or two days go by without hearing from someone it seems like a week or two.   I've finally started to eat a little again.  I even have a bit of an appetite.  I had been surviving on Ensure.   There are a few things that I am going to be calling and asking a few select friends next week to help me with.   I guess I just needed that little push to say YES DO IT.. :-)   

God Bless you all
Sue

[patty]

Hi, I agree with all the others, there's a flurry of activity at first and then everybody says call me..... and it's true afterwards they feel uncomfortable and maybe don't around to it.   That's exactly what happened to me too. 
   Since I don't live real close by to any friends so I could visit after work I just called somebody when I was feeling lonely from the deafening silence in the evening.  I learned quickly that afterwards would feel lighter after just being able to talk to somebody.  However, also learned I didn't feel better AT ALL after speaking with a few others so just stopped calling them.  It's like you now have to watch your emotional barometer and take heed.  Stay away from anybody/anything that makes you feel worse.   

   Another thing, you might be surprised that some people who you would expect to be there for you weren't and others who you would never expect to be there for you come forth.  You find out a lot about people now.

   Thinking of you, Patty

[Lonnie]

Sue: How wonderful that you heard from your friends today! Another little miracle to make you feel a bit better! I think it was Autumn Leaves that mentioned how much she appreciated the people who would just find something to do, without her having to ask. I guess a good friend is a true blessing, and if you have more than a few, you are totally blessed beyond words. But sometimes people really want to do something, and just don't want to intrude, or don't know what to do or say.  I sure look at all of it differently now that I have been through it. (Maybe we didn't know how to act either before).  Just being available helps so much! Glad your day turned out good! Lonnie

[trae]

Yep, its the fear of your friends thinking that they are intruding.  I totally understand, and know the hurt you felt when it seemed everyone abandoned you.  You want to be alone with your grief, but then your alone, and want to be surrounded by friends.  Its a topsy turvy thing grief is.  You never know where it will take you, and you just need to ask for help.  I finally asked a friend for help in trying to understand suicide.  She was soooo happy I called her, and she told me she was afraid to call because she didn't want to intrude.  So now I call, and call, and call.     And no one has called me a pest or gotten sick of hearing me talk about Joe.  Thank God for my friends, and all the people here! 

Terri

[Autumn Leaves]

Yes, it's terribly difficult for us to call someone and ask them for help. I had friends tell me that and I never heard from them again. I hesitate asking for help because I didn't want to hear them make excuses or say "no" so I didn't bother calling and asking. I think most of us have problems admitting that we need help and taking the next step to actually ask someone for help. I like the people who decide what they're going to do and just TELL me what they're going to do and when (example: I'll come over next Saturday and mow your lawn or take you out to lunch). I hope I'll be able to do that next time one of my friends needs help.

[Crushed]

I agree that in a perfect world friends would be specific and do what you suggest, but most do not do that. Bravo to those who do and I will try to be more like that now that I have been there and know how much better it is that way. If you do call and ask for help the worst that can happen is that you will turned down and that is not life altering. You have to ask to get what you need and want. No one is a mind reader. If some one says no, ask some one else. Don't take it personally and ask another. It does get easier with practice.

[natemike]

the same thing happened to me. no you did not do any thing wrong, just the opposite they don`t know how to deal with you. we live in a place they dont want to visit and until that they get a kick at the can others will not change. mike

[darkdaz]

Dear Friends,

Well its going on 6 weeks and Im still alive.   A few weeks ago I was sure I wasnt going to make it.  Thanks to my grief counselor, some medication, support of my mother, my friends, and the wisdom and support from all of you on this board my days havn't been as bad as they were.  I have not written for awhile but I do read everyday.   I am managing to get my bills paid, my dogs taken care of, and some housework done.   It was a huge worry about getting the lawn and snow removal done and I have also found people to take care of those things for me.   I have been seeing a grief counseler, and have been put on some medication which does help.  I also just started a grief support group, our first meeting was last night and I know it will be of great help to me.   I still cry hysterically at the drop of a hat but realize its a necessary part of healing.  I still havent mastered calling people for help though but Im working on it.   I really need to start to learn how to cook for one.    

I wish you all peace
Sue

[Crushed]

Sue;  I was glad to hear from you and you are doing ok. Good for you with finding the help you need so you can do the work we all have to do. I am using most of the tools you mentioned and it has helped me cope also. You will reach out to your friends when the time is right for you and then will wonder why it took so long to do so!  A good support system is very important, I think, and you are creating one. You are doing good work.  Bless you.

[AMI]

I know what you mean where did all the good intentions go ??  I know they care, but only a couple of people have stayed in touch and its been 5 months now.  I know I am busy taking care of Mother and that takes most of my time,  but I would still like to see or talk to some of our old couple friends,   I do understand

AMI

[Crushed]

AMI: My husband died 2/6/07, so I am just ahead of you on this journey and Our couple friends are drifting away. I think I make them very uncomfortable and they don't know how to deal with me! We went out for the almost oblatory dinner and there were a few calls from the wives, in which they talked about their husbands, and I think we both felt like fish out of water. I have heard others say this also. I don't know if they think it's catching or what. It is an eye opening experience, as the ones I thought I could count on, I can't and others we knew more casually are calling to check on me. I am lucky in that I have a few close friends that are single and our friendship goes on the same.