loss of my dad

[christina]

I am 41 years old. My name is Christina. On August 9th at about 2 pm my dad died. I was caring for him in my home. There are so many things I want to write both about him and myself. I loved him so much and thought he would never really die. I am heartbroken. I have a 19 yr. and a 6 yr. old (both boys) They were here at the time. My 19yr. old cared for him as well and my 6yr. old was a best buddy to Poppy. I just can't get over he is gone. I can't bring myself up and stay there. I hate that I am here and he is not. So many things I want to write. I don't know how to begin again. The world is a different place without my dad in it. I know I am an adult. I miss him terribly. As I write this I am crying and have a pain of loss I have never felt before. I need to get on and I don't know how to do it. This is the first place I have talked about my dad. I feel like I am in a fog. I thank you for your time. Christina

[kelly37]

Christina,

First I want to say I'm sorry for the loss of your dad.  Your pain is all too fresh and it will take time to adjust.  Take care of yourself & your sons right now; you all need each other. 

I, too, lost my dad in a tragic motorcycle accident last July & he died 18 days later in ICU on Aug 9th 2006.  It was a horrible time for me & my mom & sister.  I have some awful memories of those 18 days in the hospital---I had such high hopes that my dad would come out of it alive only then to have gut wrenching pain when he passed away!  Sometimes I think life is not fair-why am I here and they're not--that's what I think sometimes.  But I think I am here to carry on his love for my family, my kids, & all his grandkids. 

I am an adult-37 years old-I have 2 small children who will never get to know their grandpa--only by my memories I can share with them.  It doesn't matter how old we are when we loose someone so close to us---we all grieve, cry, scream, yell.....

I'm glad you found this site.  I have been on here 1 month & I love it! It has helped me tremendously in that short time.  I only wish it hadn't taken me 1 year to find this wonderful group of people that I can share with----so I hope you find comfort here.  Please share more with us any time you are ready! We are here to listen.   My thoughts are with you......Kelly

[Crushed]

Christina:  I am so very sorry for your loss. I am an older woman and have raised my family and now have my beloved grandchildren. My precious daddy died in 1969 when I was 24 years old. It was my first experience with a  death of anyone I was really close to and I thought my life was over. I had a husband and a 4 year old and my broken hearted mother.
Your world has been rocked big time and you are in shock and all of these horrible feelings are so very hard to cope with and you have a family to take care of. It is all so new and overwhelming. I can tell you that it will take time for all of your emotions to settle down and more time to process what has happened and how the family structure has changed, but you will go on and the children will be a big reason to make it happen. My daughters' are 36 and 42 and they are 7 months into this process of letting go of their daddy and being there for me. They have families,jobs, and have  helped me with all of the paper work too.  I tell them to lean on their husbands and don't try to be super woman. Take the emotions as they come and go with them, as that is the healthy way... it's not good to block. Rest when you can, eat well, exercise to relieve the stress and what ever else it takes. Enjoy life when you can, even though it's hard right now, because today is all we have and the children grow up so fast. My girls' each have a place where they go to be by themselves (in the car in a park) to talk to there daddy and share their private thoughts with him. The counselor suggested that and they have found it helpful.  Bless you. 

[christina]

I am blessed to have found this site. I already feel bonded to you. I will be back again.
Thank you for understanding my hurt. Thank you for caring.
God Bless all of you that has pain.  Christina

[Lonnie]

Christina: I am so glad that you found us, and the wonderful people who have already responded to you. This is such a healing place for all of us. I am 54 and I lost my dad 2 years ago, and also was devastated. I am now taking care of my widowed mom. The loss of a parent is huge in our lives, and it doesn't matter at what age it occurs. So much of our history, our memories, our lives were spent with them. I didn't realize until my dad died how much of my security was in him. I felt like if the world broke, he could fix it. Then he died, and my world broke, but he was no longer here to repair it! Your loss is so new. Please do not try to suppress your feelings. They will come out in other ways-depression, anger, etc. You have suffered a major loss, and I am 2 years into losing my dad, and just now starting to really function more normally (whatever that is). I still experience sleep disturbances. Also, because you took care of your dad, you bonded with him on a very special level. That is what has happened with me and my mom. You cannot care for anyone without loving them even more, and growing closer. So be easy on yourself, be gentle with your feelings. Don't try to "get past it" as you mentioned-try to go through it. Grief is work, but it will not be ignored. Your children are grieving also, and they will take their cues from you about whether it is okay to cry and express their feelings. It's good to let them know how much you loved your dad and miss him. Please stop by any time, and know that we care and we are here for you-to listen and to encourage. Blessings-Lonnie

[christina]

Well hello everyone,
  Today is Wed. the 22nd of August. My dad will be gone 2 weeks tomorrow.
I am still very low. It is all so surreal. It is like it has not really happened.
I have many thoughts. I just can't get them out of my mouth. Lonnie, My dad was a fixer too. If there were ever anything I needed he was there. I don't have a good relationship with my mother. She has always told me I am like my dad and always "Kissed his ass." I hope that has not offended anyone. The reason I wrote that is because I am left with a tough family and have trouble knowing how to talk to them.
 I can't tell you how happy I am to have come across this site.. all of you. Everyone is anonymous in a way, but at the same time closer then maybe anyone else we may know. Thank you for reading.  Have a nice day everyone.             Christina

[Crushed]

Tough people hurt too and for what ever reason bottle up their feelings. You are doing the absolutely right thing by feeling everything and working with it. That is the healthy way and you will work your way through and come to acceptance for what has happened. It takes time and does not happen with out the work... but it does happen. I have read that when we feel we heal and when we block our emotions we don't and that is when they come out in other ways as they will not be ignored. They must be dealt with sooner or later and sooner is healthier.  Bless you.

[Autumn Leaves]

Christina, I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad. It's even more difficult because you were his caregiver and you had things to do that took up a lot of time in your life that are suddenly gone. You're probably feeling that you're supposed to be somewhere or you're not doing something that's really important. There are reminders of the care you provided that are useless now. You miss the presence of your Dad and your relationship and the love you shared.

I was a caregiver for my husband and it took almost two months before I got over the fact that I no longer had anywhere to be or anything to do. I was at a loss. That was on top of missing the man I'd been married to for 35 years and who I'd expected to grow old with. We'd had plans.

Things will get better but it takes time. I'm glad  your children were with you and able to spend time with their grandpa and to help you with taking care of him. I'm sure that was a relief to you and strengthened the relationships of everyone. The people here will really help you and offer comfort.

[christina]

Good Morning Everyone,
  Today (Sat. Aug. 25th) I'm alone with my littlest Jacob, he is 6. This is the first day at home without my husband or oldest son Corey (he is 19) around me. I am full of things to do. My biggest is finish with packing my dads extra supplies. Does anyone have suggestions as to where to donate things like depends, pads tons of gauze, syringes, tape, vent supplies? The list goes on and on.
  My family is worried about me doing anything alone. My husband is at work and my oldest is with a friend. I think cleaning out these things is positive. I do cry a lot while doing it, but I cry a lot doing anything really. I want to change around everything in my house. Having the fact that my dad lived and then died here, gives me both comfort and great sadness. Everything makes me sad so I want it all different. And then I also want everything the same.
  Thank you, all of you. You spoke volumes Crushed when you told me emotions come out in different ways. I can't believe how true that is. And Autumn when you mentioned the feeling of needing to be someplace or needing to be doing something. That is in me all of the time. I feel as though I am lacking in my duties. As though I am somehow betraying my dad, or that I'm leaving him behind.  I feel numb to things. I feel foggy. I feel like this is not real! I want my dad back. I want more time. I am just so darn broke up. I hope you all can find happiness and smiles today. God Bless you all,   Christina

[Crushed]

Oh honey, all of the feelings you mentioned are so normal. it is so soon and you are in a fog. That is your body protecting you for now. It will begin to clear in a few weeks. I don't know where to donate those items, but someone will. My husband died in an accident and I was obsessed with getting his clothes and books out of here. I kept a couple of things but it made me crazy to look at it all. i have to change things and make it my space, but will wait as I don't know what I want.  I understand so well when you say you want it different and the same at the same time. You will move on and carry your daddy in your heart. He wouldn't want you to not enjoy your family and your life. It hurts now, and will for quite some time, but the day will come when you will enjoy life once again. Sometimes we just have to do these things by ourselves even though we cry and don't want help. I don't know why, it just is that way and helps us heal. None of us is ready to let our loved one go and that is a process too. Just roll with your emotions and don't fight them and it will be not quite so hard. Bless you.

[Lonnie]

Hi Christina: Well, you are taking those baby steps that are necessary in starting a different routine. I think you will soon see that some things bring good memories, and some sad ones. Like you said, the trick is in knowing what to keep and what to give away. I wonder if a local nursing home or hospice could use the supplies? If not, the thrift stores such as Goodwill, Salvation Army or such should certainly have a use for them. There are some things that only you can make the decisions on, and while it is painful, it is part of the process, and will help you deal with your feelings as you sort it all out. I lost my dad about 2 years ago, and am now caring for my widowed insulin dependent mom. For the moment, she still lives on her own by her wishes. It is not too safe, so I have to keep a very close watch on her. During this time since my stepfather (raised me from 7 on) died, we have bonded so much more. I know that happened with your dad as well, and I am sure that he appreciated ALL that you did for him. I am sorry that family members have to make such hurtful comments. My bio dad and my mom divorced when I was 2. I did visit him some, but never got as close as I wish I had. Both my bio dad and my stepfather died very close in time to each other.  I am so glad that with my stepdad, I had the opportunity in the last few years to thank him for the loving care he gave my mom, and to tell him how much I loved him. That is a lesson we can all learn from the pain of losing someone close. Now is the time to show our love, and it sounds like you did that so beautifully. Take good care of yourself, rest when you can, get a little exercise, and take it slow. Grief is surely a journey, played out in small steps along the way. Many thoughts of you, Lonnie

[kelly37]

Oh Crushed, you are so right!  

Christina,
I remember going through  my dad's things---knowing how he would've frowned on that.  As a kid, I knew never to touch my dad's things b/c they were his.  When he died and I had to help my mom go through his clothes & stuff, I cried.  I put my face in his ties & just cried my eyes out knowing he was the last one to touch/wear them!!!  I also had to go through "his" garage & tear down every poster (he was a truck driver & a Harley rider) and throw away every log book he ever kept!!  It was heart wrenching to do that to his things.     I remember going in their bedroom & seeing his shoes lined up so perfect! His desk was so organized & he had messages on the ans machine from 18 days of people calling to wish him well not knowing his true condition or people calling about work ... whatever....it was so sad to listen to & he never got to hear their messages.

He had a workbench that was so organized I laughed & cried at the same time going through it.  I kept some of his things from his office at work, gave things to my kids, my husband has some of his dress shirts and I have a box of items from coffee mugs to trucks and motorcycles that I am not sure what to do with yet. I want to keep them for my kids when they're old enough to appreciate them!

These things were the most difficult things I have ever had to do.  Watching my mom was just as painful but here it is 1 year later and we're still moving on!    Today my son played his first scrimmage of little league football---I know my dad was watching b/c he was a football fan & I know he would've loved to sit on the sidelines & watch his grandson play!  It's so sad  

I got to tell my dad I love him one more time before he died.  I know there was a reason that witness called to tell me they were in the accident.  My mom doesn't know how she ever gave this person my phone number being she was hurt too but she somehow managed.  If that witness hadn't of called me, I never would've made it to the hospital to see him coherent & to say I love you! I think she was an angel! 
Take care
Kelly

[natarsha martin]

HEY! I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. I REALLY DO I LOST MY DAD TO AUG. 11 2007 AT 3:55 (GRANDFATHER) HE RASIED ME FROM BIRTH. AND I'AM HURT NOTHING IS THE SAME ANYMORE MY PATTERN IS DIFFERENT. IAM SO USED TO HIM TALKING TO ME WHEN I NEED HIM HIM AND DOING FOE ME AND MY KIDS KNOW HE GONE I FELL SO ALONE. MY WORLD SEEMS EMPTY. I HAVE MY KIDS IT'S JUST NOT THE SAME. I'VE BEEN CRYING EVERY SINCE THAT DAY BUT HES NOT HURTING ANYMORE. GOD PROMISED IF WE LIVE RIGHT AND SERVE HIM THAT WE WOULD SEE OUR LOVED ONES AGAIN. I KNOW ONE DAY I WOULD BE ABLE TO MOVE ON BUT ITS LIKE WHEN. YA KNOW WHEN WILL IT STOP HURTING. IT WILL STOP IT TAKES TIME BUT YOU WILL NEVER FORGET IT LIKE THOSE MEMORIES ARE THERE FOR EVER. I SEE ANYTHING THAT REMIINDS ME I CRY. BUT I KNOW IT WILL GET BETTER. TAKE CARE  TASHA

[Lonnie]

Hi Tasha: Thank you so much for your comments. I hope you will continue to write about your feelings because it helps so much! And it helps others as well.  Your grief is very new, and I know you must miss your dad beyond words. My grandfather and grandmother (along with my mom) raised me until I was about 7, and it nearly killed me when I moved to another city with my mom. I called them "MaMa and PaPa" all their lives. My stepfather and mother raised me from the age of 7, and my stepdad died a little over 2 years ago, and I am now caring for my widowed mom. My bio dad died just a little before that. The loss is tremendous. Until you have lost a parent, you can't imagine the pain. It is truly heartbreaking. So much of our memories of the past are with them.  But as you said, in time it does get better-at least enough for us to continue on and live our lives, as they also did. I am sure that is what they would want. So thank you for your thoughts, and I hope we see you again soon!  Blessings-Lonnie

[christina]

Hi Everyone,  (this is long Sorry)
  I have found this wonderful place to share my feelings with you all. Tasha, I'm so sorry for your loss. I am sorry for everyone's loss. But knowing I am not alone does give some kind of comfort. Today was a tough day. Yesterday was an ok day. I worked all day, shed a few tears, but got through it. Missing is hard. Thinking of things I could have or should have done differently with my dad. It is amazing to realize that we don't have forever with our family. We grow up. We start our own lives and are happy for it. At the same time our old life changes. I sometimes want to be a kid again. I want to go back and appreciate it "all" this time. I want to see and feel the happiness, even the unhappiness and really let it absorb. Those Saturdays when I was just waking up and hearing the lawn mower out my window. Smelling the grass. Knowing it was my dad out there. Going downstairs and my mom in the kitchen. The world was a secure place. Even filled with the crappy parts of my past. My dad drank. My mom yelled. But I was secure. I love my parents. I just want to go back and suck it all in. Relive it.
It is shocking to realize the world just changes. We don't even see it passing by sometimes. I suppose it is how graceful we slide along through it that counts. How good are we while we are living. Life is such a blessing. Every moment we should love. Even when hurt and unfairness happens. Today I appreciate being here. I appreciate having my dad for as long as I did. Even with my tears falling I can only feel love today. The tenderness of life. Today I feel thankful for all of you that I have never met. I feel sad that you have had loss. But you know, I think we are lucky that we've had someone to love so much that the hurt is in our hearts. That must be love too, not just hurt. They are stuck there in our hearts forever. And now we have one another. In some way anyway. We may have never shared words if not for our losses. I think for many of us. Our loved ones would want us to continue on with happiness. I really do. I think they would be happy we are here sharing. Finding a way to have a better day or night. Putting their memories in our minds and being able to feel ok about it.
I don't know what happened to me today, but I think having a bad morning made me try and switch my thinking about the loss of my dad. I miss him painfully. The mourning is beyond my ability some days. But I can't change what happened. I have to make something positive so the sad and hurt won't smother me. I think it had been up until today. I wonder if I will feel the same tomorrow? Maybe not. But tonight I hope you might feel comfort with your sadness. Feel better because there are people who care. Reaching through the computer and hugging you care. Thank you everyone for all of your words of comfort. It has helped. Tonight I am thinking of you all and hope you have peace.          Christina