Help For Daughter in the Loss of her Dad

[AMI]

Loss of a Father ,

Hey guys, Iwriting for my step-daughter,   She is have a hard time after loosing her Dad.  Her Mom died about 12 yrs ago , she is 45 married, a bad diabetic, no children by choice, several animals ( her children).

Now she needs our help, I spent over an hour last night trying to talk her down. She says she see a Phy. Dr. on occ. that her husband does not know about.  Shes been told she grieving for her own loss because she says she understands that the problems her Dad had were just too much for him and God just took him to help him, it was just his time  to go, even though it was sudden and unexpected.    She is also Bi-polar.

She needs so much advice I run out I have twin sons 40 and I also talk to them  almost daily, their doing a lot better than she is.   She says shes all alone, and NO one understands her like her Dad.   When my husband and I married she was two so she has no memories without me in them.   She and I do have a good relationship , I just dont know how to help, her.    She says people avoid talking to her at work, and her husband says hes talked out and is ready for her to be better.  Now I talked to him and he says she refuses to talk to him at all.  
She just wants to be left alone and cries all the time.    She was a difficult personality  before her Dad passed.    She is a demanding person and requires  all of your attention when she is with you.  

I pray there is someone out there with a new idea for me, I desperately need some new things to say to her, I know shes hurting but so am I .   I know her pain is different than mine, but its as if she is choosing to believe she is alone in life, I dont see it.  she has a setpMom, two brothers and a VERY tolerant husband and hes VERY loving, hes has her spoiled lets her do as she pleases as her Dad did.    

I welcome your response and advice so I can give her, I tried to get her to join a site of her own, but I dont think I can wait, she was a desperate person last night and I am VERY worried about her.

Thanks Guys  AMI

[kelly37]

AMI,
I'm so sorry for you step daughter's loss!  I too lost my dad last Aug due to injuries sustained in a motorcycle accident.  It is somewhat different for me as I still have my mom to grieve with.....although she was in the accident too, she had injuries & needed to care for herself & try to grieve at the same time.

I spent 18 days with my dad in a trauma center. I have horrible visions in my head all the time that I can't erase but I often have to say "stop it" to myself so that I can move on.  It was a year ago today I was standing beside him holding his hand, waiting for him to wake up.  I held his hand every day; never thinking he wasn't going to come out of it! I was in denial, now looking back, for several months after he passed away.  I was very depressed, didn't really care to do things, didn't want to be happy cuz he wasn't here etc.....I also have kids that help me get through my days & not be thinking about dad & his death all the time.

I couldn't even go back to work until just recently.  It does take a hard hit to the heart to loose a parent! My dad & I were close too; more so in the past 5 years than ever in my 37 years of life! So his death really affected me.  I hated my life after my dad died.  I questioned God, then lost faith. Slowly I am able to realize God didn't do it!  My faith is coming back.  I know my dad is in a better place.  He's with my brother & grandpa now.

I hope your step daughter learns to talk about his death w/the family.  It's no good to go hide & cry your eyes out.....Sometimes it's good but not all the time. She needs to be able to deal with this but it has only been 9 months for her.  I hope improvement comes along.  It did for me but like I said it took me a good year to "wake up".   Talking to the counselor is a good step but I think her husband needs to know that so he can help her through this process too.  I hope she comes to a site where she can see she's not alone and just writing thoughts down can help you grieve.  Then to hear someone's support and encouraging words is comforting in a strange way.  I've only been on here a couple weeks and I am moving forward thanks to everyone's responses!

My thoughts are with you.

[Karen Paul]

Ami - well, I'm certainly no expert.. but I'm going to throw out an idea or two here..

1. You say she has seen a phsyciatrist? How about a Grief Counselor? They are very different and perhaps what she needs is to deal with her (very personal) grief?

2. Is the psychiatrist is a person she saw before her dad died or only since? I wonder how much she is telling this person (or not).. and, if she is bi-polar how does that affect her ability to deal with this situation?

Wish I had more ideas.. but those are things I'm thinking of.. so sorry you are in this situation and that she is also having such a tough time.. she does need to know she is not alone (as we all do).. and that there is hope (she will not feel this way forever)..

Thinking of you,

hugs Karen
Chris' aunt

[Autumn Leaves]

Ami,
I have a friend who's bi-polar and that could have a great deal to do with her not "handling" the loss of her dad. My friend sees her doctor biweekly, often to adjust her medicine. It could be that your steo-daughter should talk to her doctor and maybe he can adjust or change her medicine to help her handle this crisis. My friend says her mood goes up and down so quickly she sometimes can't handle it and the death of a parent is a real big "downer". It's something she should discuss with the doctor/psychologist/psychiatrist who's treating and monitoring her bi-polar disorder.

There are also bereavement groups and grief counselors. if she works (or her husband works) for a company with an EAP (Employee Assistance Program), perhaps she could meet with a counselor from that program and talk to them - to see what local resources are available, groups, etc. She should also talk to her regular doctor and let him/her know this extra stress she's going through.

[Lynne]

Ami,
I had a similiar experience.  My husband passed away 3 years ago.  We were all shocked and saddened by his death.  My husband did have a very strong bond with 2 of his daughters as he was a single father for many years.   Carole was bi-polar and could also be difficult at times.  Then her sister died a year later of cancer.  The 3 of them just had each other for so long, I was amazed Carole survived it at all.  Ofcourse, Carole had a husband, children, sister and me, but it just wasn't the same for her. 

I would strongly suggest having her commit herself to a psych ward (long-term if possible), so she can be observed and get her medications straight, and continue to work with her therapist and psychiatrist when she is released. 

Carole struggled so much that she began to self-medicate and died of an accidental over dose in December.   I will never forget a friend of mine saying how sad it was that we are more than understanding and patient with people who are physically ill, but don't often give them the medical attention or support we need to when they are emotionally ill.

I loved Carole very much and she was making so much progress before she passed away.  (It helps to talk about it here as I know you understand)   Some people who are bi-polar can only seem to focus on themselves and how everything affects them.  I understand you were very involved in her life at an early age, you cannot reason with how she feels or how she thinks.  Continue to let her know how much you love and value her, but do also take care of yourself...this can be so draining.  Praise her for the small steps she takes, it will mean so much to her.

She may also need to talk with her diabetic Dr.  Depression and stress can have a huge impact on her diabetes and her out of control diabetes can affect her moods.   Try to keep her husband in the loop, as keeping secrets is not healthy.  If you see this getting out of control, you or her husband may need to get her hospitalized.   If she ever makes a suicidal threat, always take it seriously.....it may mean dialing 911 if she does not have the capacity to seek help for herself.

You are  both in my thoughts and prayers.

[Autumn Leaves]

Lynne, you made so many good points.

You're right about the stigma that mental illness has and how much of a balancing act treatment is. When physical and mental illness are combined, each affects and complicates the other, making treatment even more involved.

 I'm so sorry about your husband and his daughters, especially Carole.

[laurenE]

Lynne,

Very well said.  Thank you for being here. 
 
And I am so very sorry for your many losses.   It seems as if Carole died of a broken heart....loosing her father,  and her two sisters and apparently her mother was no longer in the picture either (?).

   Sometimes I wonder how long I can live with the void of my birth family.  I have a wonderful husband but sometimes I wish I had parents and a sister too.   Its not that his love isnt enough for me but you're right,  it just isnt the same after you loose everyone in the family.   

Who knows though.  I'm so stubborn I will probably live forever. 

Thanks again for your post.  My heart ached for Carol and for you too. 

[AMI]

Thanks for all the comments guys,and gals.

She lives in alother state and I only talk to her once or twice a week,  She is very strong willed, and does not listen to most of the things I say,  I do tell her how much she means to us and that we all love her,  She chooses to make herself an outsider .    I think she has drained most of the life out of her husband, since they married 10 yrs ago he has become another person,   she would not allowed him to attend the services for her Dad,   She truly needs help and the only thing I can do is pray that God will send the right person into her life,  She needs so much, no one person can do it.   

Thanks again for all the good info. I will contact her husband and try to get her more informed help,  Vermont can be very backward in some areas.