Birthday coming up

[AllysonD]

My brothers birthday is coming up, it will be the first one. He would have been 27.

My mother is in such a dark place right now. The counselor she was seeing was telling her stuff that she didnt want to hear (clean out his room, take down the pictures, etc) so she quit going to him, Thing is, she seems back to square 1 whereas I think she was seeming better when she was seeing him weekly. She said she still goes to her grief group at church once a month and that enough (I think shes been once or maybe twice). She said "well I'm reading the Elizabeth Edwards book and she left her son's room forever so I dont need to go back to that doctor!" Every conversation we have leads back to him and his death and it is just so very depressing.

Today - I called and I think I have an abscess in my gum. She had one years ago. I called her and we talked and I said "I am so scared of going to the dentist." She said "well I was too but I figure nothing can hurt me now that the worst thing in the world has already happened".

I guess I am of the Dr Phil school of thought - behave your way to success. If you want to be happy, pretend you are and eventually you will be without trying. I dont think that means I have forgotten my brother, just that I choose to go on and try to maintain a sense of normalcy for my daughter. She chooses to wallow in self pity and feel sorry for herself for a myriad of reasons, including my brother's death.

I dread the birthday cause if she is struggling this much with depression on a normal day, what will the birthday bring???

Yes she sees a psychiatrist and she is on medication.

Any ideas for me?

[Lonnie]

Wow Allyson: That is such a difficult situation. I was wondering if maybe you should post this on the Child Loss board, and see what some of them have to say about it in regards to your mom. You could just copy and paste. While I totally agree that people have to keep on living, and should to the best of their ability, be moving toward a more healing place, it may be that telling your mom to clean out his room and take down the pictures was just too much for her to bear. Her son's death was not that long ago, and I believe that should be a decision that only she can make when the time is right for her. It really doesn't help to force someone to part with the physical things when they don't want to, and aren't ready emotionally.  To her way of thinking, that is all she has left, other than her memories. I understand that Child Loss is one of the most traumatic losses that a person can have. It is so unnatural to have a child die before the parent. If she is seeing a doctor and is on medication, perhaps she might want to consider a different medication at this time, or a dosage change. I do hope she also continues to go to her grief group at church. Have you also told her about the Child Loss board here? That is the most wonderful group of people, and they could understand her like no one else possibly can.
As for yourself, you are doing the right thing to try and keep positive thoughts and to stay emotionally healthy for your daughter. And I know how depressing it can be to be around someone who is always depressed. Of course you love your brother and miss him so very much. That is so evident in your posts. But remember that it is different for your mom. Her relationship to him is mother/son. It is devastating to lose a child. And I know it must also be difficult to be a surviving child, because you see the darkness your mom has plunged into and you feel helpless. You still have your life ahead of you and your family. She feels that she has not only lost her present, but her future dreams for her son. Let the people on the Child Loss Board help you through this. I am so sorry to hear about your abcess. You can come back to the board and tell us all about it. We'll be here to listen and empathize, when your mom can't at this time.
I will also pray for your family. Those first holidays, birthdays, and occasions are so very painful.    Many of the people on the Child Loss boards have gotten through the special days in various ways. I really wish your mom would talk to them as they would embrace her with open arms and hearts.
Try to keep your own spirits up. The most difficult thing I've had to learn since my dad's death, is that I am not responsible for my mom's happiness. That is a choice she has to make. I can support her, encourage her, and be there for her, but I can't make her happy. It is so hard to remember this though when you are desperate to do something to help. Let us know how things are with her and you, and do ask the bereaved parents on the other board for ways to help her. Many hugs-Lonnie

[AllysonD]

After reading that I realized how heartless and uncaring I must sound. I'm really not. I guess like Lonnie said, I just want to help her and get her out of this funk.

People have said "you cant get better till you DEAL WITH THIS". What does that mean exactly? How does one "deal with it"? it seems to me that it is what it is and you HAVE to deal with it, you really dont have a choice in the matter.

[Lonnie]

Allyson: In no way did you sound heartless. I know what you mean because my mom goes through these times, and I keep checking on her, but I just have to back off emotionally until she gets through her moodiness. It CAN be a real bummer, so I totally understand where you're coming from! I am a person that is greatly affected by the moods of those I am around, and I have to be careful not to get depressed myself.
I guess what people mean by "dealing with it" is working through our grief. (And it IS work!!!!!) Some people want to avoid it or suppress it. Others internalize it all and become very depressed-turning their anger in on themselves as well as others. And some people won't acknowledge their grief at all, and just continue on like nothing has happened, but that is not healthy.  Some of the healthier ways to "deal with it" are to talk it out, cry it out, journal, talk to a counselor or friend, take some action to express your grief or somehow acknowledge it, and work through it. Really the ways that people "deal with it" are as numerous as the individuals who grieve. I have been reading Tom Golden's book and he says that generally women grieve primarily by relating to others, while men grieve by taking action of some sort. This is not black and white, as both genders may express their grief secondarily, in other ways. But if it is important to a woman to stay in relationship, and talk about her grief, you are probably helping your mom more than you know just by listening and being there for her.  I believe your mom is processing her grief in her own way. It is just so soon yet. She may be in that anger/depression stage. (The stages of grief do not necessarily work in any order, and she can relapse to a previous stage.) Just keep watching over her and supporting and encouraging her. Give it some more time, and just let her know you understand that she is going through the toughest time of her life.  Sometimes because we are the ones closest to them, we are the ones they let it all out with! I understand so much where you are coming from. Some days with my mom can be longer than a month! LOL! But I keep telling myself that she has been through so much, and some days are going to be better than others. I hope that things improve for your family. You sound like a wonderful daughter and sister.  Let us know how things go. Hugs and Prayers-Lonnie

[Lonnie]

Allyson: I was just reading something that might help you understand your mom's feelings about parting with your brother's things at this time. Go over to the Child Loss board and read "His Belongings". Go down to Marianne's post and see how she described trying to part with her son's dancing pads by selling them in her sister's garage sale. She gave them for the sale the night before, and woke up in a cold sweat thinking about it.  It really upset her and she had to get them back the next morning.  She said she couldn't imagine anyone else dancing on them, and that he was a great dancer. So you can see, for parents, this is a difficult thing to do. I feel that each individual has to do what feels right for them. I can understand your worries about her creating a permanent shrine of his room, but probably in time, she will go through some things, and decide what to keep. But for now, it is so soon in her grief. Just looking at or touching his things probably breaks her heart, as well as gives her comfort. I have been reading a lot on the Child Loss board to try and understand the unique grief that bereaved parents go through. It is truly heartbreaking. So hang in there, and take care of yourself emotionally, keep letting your mom vent to you, and let us know how things are going. Many Hugs-Lonnie

[Jeanneb]

Hi,

I'm Jeanne from the child loss board and stumbled onto this thread.  I'm going to put my 2 cents in.

Allyson,  I think you are expecting way too much from your mom.  I have just gone through my 4th angel date without my precious son.  Let me just back up and sort of chronicle this journey for you as I have experienced.

The first year - shock - complete and total shock.  I went from a woman who worked fulltime, raised 3 children and was known as the "strong one" and very independent to a woman who hardly could get out of bed.  I worked for a psychiatrist and always had been in the administrative aspect of psychiatry clinics.  I had to go to working parttime and found I really could care less about most anything or anybody.  Now, note I still had 2 children walking this earth that needed their mom.  Yes, they were older teens but they still needed their mom.

The second year was by far the worst.  Reality came hitting me square between the eyes.  He really wasn't coming home.  This is when I went into the deepest, darkest hole and thought I'd never come out and frankly didn't want to come out.  I also lost my job because my "grief" was too much for my boss to handle and she was a psychiatrist!  Most moms that I've communicated with will agree the second  year by far is the worst.

The third year was softer and the fourth has brought a little joy back and the word hope I can actually digest.  Yes, I do believe in hope again.  But there is not a day that passes that I don't miss my son.  Yes, I talk about him all the time and the way I measure time in my head is by was that before or after Philip died.  You see the world stopped for me the day he died, the rest of the world kept moving but mine didn't.

Your mother just lost her son, I believe you said it was April, this is only a few months.  Meds are great, they help make things where you can get out of bed but that is about the highlight.  I took meds for a few years and yes I was very fortunate I found a wonderful therapist and saw her for 3 years.  Now I see her once a blue moon when I need what I call a "booster shot."    Yes, I would encourage your mom to find another therapist but you can only do so much.  You can't fix this, you can't make it better, that is probably the hardest thing to watch.  Unfortunately, my mom also lost her son, my brother at age 40.   So I do what it is like to have to sit back and watch your mom in so much despair.  It has been 11  years for her, for me 4 years, it is something you don't "get over" you learn to accomodate it.  Your normal was turned upside down, nothing is the way it is suppose to be and more than anything it is just wrong to bury your child.  You bury your parents, grandparents, spouses, but not your child.

You have to create a new "normal" and honey I'm still working on that and I think you would find from lots of parents this is their reality.  Nothing you knew as normal exists anymore.  You know I had people who literally would look at me in the grocery store and turn and walk the other direction, why, because they didn't know what to say.  Loosing a child is just not the natural order of things.  It is a lose like no other.  So please, be gentle, with yourself and your mom.

A motto we have on the child loss board is take baby steps and deep breaths.  It is a matter of survival. 
I hope you find a way to celebrate your brother's birthday.  One way we do is by buying something for the family in Philip's honor.  These dates will be important to your mom for the rest of her life.

Jeanne
Philip's mom

[AllysonD]

Jeanne, I dont think I'm really expecting anything from her, I am just wanting to help her.

[Lonnie]

AllysonD: Just checking to see how you are doing. I wasn't sure what day was your brother's birthday, but I knew it was coming up soon. Let me know if you are okay, and how things are going with your mom.  Many Hugs and Prayers, Lonnie

[AllysonD]

It was yesterday. She and my dad went to the cemetary. She called me and said - no one should have to spend their child's birthday at the cemetary. I agree. She and my dad were both very upset. she is a lot most of the time so it was kind of expected. My dad hides it well so it was a bit unnerving to hear that he was so upset. I know when the police came to tell us he died, my dad was the one who called the coroner (it was out of town) and the coroner confirmed it. That was the first time I had seen my dad cry ever.

Thanks for checking Lonnie.

[Lonnie]

AllysonD:  ((((((((((((((((((((((AllysonD)))))))))))))))))))))) I am thinking of you, and your family. I guess you can expect that for awhile all special occasions are going to be very difficult. Hopefully, in time, the pain will soften and your mom will find a place of solace somehow. I know this must be so difficult for you. I was reading some of your previous posts and they said that your brother had been in an accident, and was recuperating at your mom's house, while going to physical therapy. I read where he was found dead on the floor by a cousin he stayed with. Do they know the cause of death? Was it related to the injuries of the accident or just out of the blue? I am sure that the shock factor in his death is so difficult to understand and deal with. And after having had an accident and being on the mend, what an unexpected turn of events! Was it a car accident? I know that you must just feel helpless about how to help your parents-especially your mom. I have had to watch my mom grieve her husband of 44 years, and sometimes she just takes a nosedive, and I feel so helpless. Then other times she copes better than I thought she would. It really seems to be a roller coaster of emotions. I guess we use that phrase a lot here, but it certainly applies. Take good care of yourself, and I believe you said you have a daughter? I know this must be so difficult for you. You have also lost your brother, but you are so worried about your mom, that you can't even grieve properly. Just know that I'm thinking of you.  I had to learn from counseling that I couldn't make my mom happy, even though I surely have tried. But that is putting so much burden on ourselves. Just be there and try to listen, and then do things to keep yourself emotionally healthy after you have listened. I know it is so hard not to get depressed yourself when you are having to deal with the weight of her grief as well. That is how it is with me also, so I truly understand-except in your mom's case, it is the most catastrophic of all deaths to lose a child. Please keep posting here and getting it out. Praying for you and sending hugs, Lonnie

[AllysonD]

Thank you Lonnie. Well to answer some of your question - he had his accident on 12-9-06 and he had been going to therapy at my parents house since January - he died in April. He lived in Nashville but he couldnt drive and his fiancee couldnt take him daily so he came to stay with my parents in La. He was staying with my cousin and she found him dead. They did an autopsy but my mother cannot bring herself to request the report. My dad doesnt want her to at all. I told her she could and (thanks to the advice of soemone here) just keep it in the envelope or drawer and read it when she is ready.

But after Hurricane Katrina, all the medical records were wiped out (he died in New Orleans) so I told her she needed to at least get a copy of the report cause who knows? If another hurricane hits, we may never know what happened. I think she made a copy of her drivers license to send to them to prove she is next of kin but I dont think she went any farther than that. She has to do it secretly from my father anyway so I doubt she will even do it - if the mail comes to the house and he sees it, etc......

His accident was a car accident. He hit a tractor trailer head on and broke his arm severly, shattered his elbow and had to have plates and pins put in it. He still was not able to use it 100%.  Everyone said he should have been dead after looking at the shape the car was in. Looking back I can see that God kept him alive so he would be able to come here and spend some time with me and my parents before it was his time to go. He lived in Nashville and they were here and they had a strained relationship when he was a teenager. I think God wanted us all to mend some fences, so to speak. So he gave us 4 more months to do that. At least thats what I got out of it.

(Sorry if this is too graphic) They said there was a lot of bleeding from the mouth and nose when they found him so to me, that suggests a head injury/anuerism sort of thing. He also had VERY high blood pressure for a young man. It could have been a clot from when he had the surgery on his arm I suppose. But we may never know for sure. They wont give me the report, only the next of kin. I ask my mom about it and she doesnt want to talk about it so I dont push. But I want to know. Somehow I need to know.

Yes I have a husband and one daughter. My husband is nice but not supportive. He thinks my mom should get over it and he cringes every time she mentions Brian's name. My daughter is 6 and she still remembers little things about him, That is important to me. The last day we saw him (Sunday before he died on Friday) he sat in the floor of my mom's living room and played UNO cards with her and then watched her ride her bike on the driveway. That is a special memory that I hope she keeps for a long time.

If I knew how to post a picture I would. He was so darn handsome!

[Crushed]

AllysonD: I know that you were upset to hear your dad all upset and that is
unnerving, but it is a good thing to happen. It shows that he is feeling and not blocking his emotions and I just read today ,in a booklet the church gave me , that no matter how much pain it causes and how much it hurts "we have to feel it to begin to heal." Maybe your dad can no longer stuff or work around his emotions and his work is beginning. It has to for all of us at some point.
I know that you so want to help your mother, but you really can't do anything other than be there for her and listen. You can encourage her to accept the help available to give her the tools she needs to move foreword. We all move at different paces and our emotional makeup is unique to each of us.  You have to take care of yourself first and, I don't mean this to be harsh but ,you are not responsible for your mother's mental health. You can be there for her, but she must do the work herself and maybe shes just not ready. We will pray that she will find some peace and acceptance soon.
As for the report, it may never be a good idea for any of you to read it.  I read the accident report and it was like reading about someone else, but was advised against the autopsy report by the athorities because it is so graphic.They said I wouldn't want that image in my head. I don't. The cause of death should be listed on the death certificate. My husbands was listed as could not be determined. Some things are better left alone and they just are what they are. It happened and can not be changed and there may not be an explanation. We have to accept it  but not understand it. I feel so much lighter since I have let that all go.