Getting over it vs. forgetting?

[AllysonD]

I know a lot of you feel like this........if you dont cry every day or if you go and have fun at something, are you forgetting your loved one who passed? I know when my brother died, my mother said "I will never enjoy anything as long as I live again" because she thinks if she does, she is disrespecting his memory somehow. Do any of you feel this way? How do you get over it?

~Allyson

[laurenE]

Im sure many of us have felt that way.  Survivors guilt.  I know I have.   

   It gets easier when you can realize that having  fun is necessary  and essential for healing  in all of this grief and for your sanity. 

 It gets easier when you can understand that having fun doesnt mean loving them less.   It means having the freedom to love them more through laughter and fun. 

 It gets easier when you can see "fun" times as an OPPORTUNITY to chose your favorite things about that person and carry on the postive and happy parts of the loved ones personality.      Viewing "fun" as an OPPORTUNITY,  not as a betrayal.
Joking the way he would joke.  Laughing the way he laughed.   etc.

   We have a mission as survivors of grief.  And that is to let them live through us.   Something about them that you loved,   let it shine on.

It gets easier when the pain isnt so intense and time has had its healing powers on the survivor too.   Im so sorry you and your family are going through this.

[Autumn Leaves]

Allyson, we HAVE to go on living. We're not like civilizations that but the dead in a funeral pyre and expect the widow to throw herself on top of the fire because her life is over. They certainly don't expect tha widower to do that when his wife dies!

We have to go on living. Yes, our loved one is no longer physically with us, but their spirit resides within us. They wouldn't want us to stop living.

It'll take a while, maybe a long while, before you start enjoying life again, before you laugh out loud at something, before you have a while day where you don't think about your loved one. yes, you'll have moments when you're really down but you'll also have good moments where you have fun and have a good time doing something.

[Sad Eyes]

First of all I don't think a person ever gets over a loved ones death and we don't ever forget our loved ones.  I think we do get over the pain and sorrow of having lost loved ones.  The pain in our heart eases away, then the good memories start to take over.  This is just a long long process that can't be rushed................it just happens when you least expect it. 

[AllysonD]

Somewhere I read that it was compared to a major surgery. It hurts at first and eventually the surgery pain faded but you can always see a scar.

[jazzgirl]

That is a good way to describe it. It seems to be right. My brother died Jan. 1, 2006 and I still cry and have bad days, but his goofy personality still surrounds my family. You just never forget and the pain never goes away completely. It just seems like you start to not think about the ending, but yet the life they DID live.

[Crushed]

 I have always been an "up" person, looking for the good and being positive about life. Losing my husband has been the most devistating thing  that I have gone through.... and still I have learned many things.  More patience,understanding and compassion for others, more understanding of myself, and  this pain is worth going through because I had my love for many years. We are all completely knocked down at the start and we absolutely have to go through all of the "stages", some more than once, and learn to move foreword. Of course we will have set backs, but hopefully they will not be as hard or as long as time goes on. The hole in my middle is scabing over and I am looking to the future...  with some joy and trepidation.  A good laugh truly is the best medicine and the best gift we can give ourselves during this journey. No one is expected to get over it or forget it, we just have to learn to accept what happened.  You will with time.

[Autumn Leaves]

I've had days that I think the last couple years were all part of a really bad dream and I'll wake up and my husband will be home in relatively good health and my life will be back the way it used to be and I'll be happy again. Then I realize this is reality and he's dead (8 months and 9 days now) and I'm basically alone after 35 years of marriage and my life is whatever I make of it.

I had a girl ask me today if I was married. I hesitated a few seconds and thought that it's the third time I've come across that question in the last few months. Two times I was filling out forms of some kind and was asked my marital status. Another time one of my classmates asked if I was married. I told the girl "no" and left it at that. She was nine so I didn't think I needed to go into detail.