Sudden Loss of a Husband

[AMI]

Well I never pictured myself writing to one of these places.    But I just need to hear from people who have lost a spouse suddendly.   
We were married for 42 yrs, me right out of high school,   we had twin sons and he brought a pricious 2 yr old to our marriage.   We had our good times and bad times,  but living and loving someone 42yrs, and then suddenly there gone, its a strange feeling,  anger, sad, empty, scared, and many other words come to mind.
I am strong in my christian belief and know Im not alone,  and that God will always be with me.
The shock of it is still with me ,  I just cannot believe hes gone will never come home from work.    He died at work , he was a dispatcher for a local elect. company and work from noon until midnight and he died alone.
He had been gone several hours when his relief came at midnight.   I was a wakened about 1am and from there on its just disbelief.   
He had not been ill, but they say it was a heart attache.   All I know is hes gone.

All our children live in other states,  and all want me to move to live with them.  We had planned to move when we retired in a year to Wa. state where my brother and one of our sons live. 

But I have been careing for my aging mother for a yr and a half, and I cannot move her from my  sister and her family. She 86 yrs old and I said in the beginning I would stay until the Lord takes her home, but each day that comes now is harder , I just want to run away and forget all the grief and dreams he left behind.

I miss his smell, his habits, his gruff manner, I just miss him being my partner.

I know I will go one, but the waiting , the unknown , the thought of I should haves.     There are so many things I want to say,  but cannot put to words, 

The english language is not my best field.   give me a paint brush and Im in heavan.    That is a good idea.

I would love to hear words of experience from those of you who know how I feel


AMI

[Lonnie]

AMI: Welcome to the club no one wants to join.  My dad's death is what brought me to the board, but I just wanted to say there are several ladies here who have lost their husbands unexpectedly, and I am sure they will come along soon and let you know they understand. I am so sorry that your husband died the way he did, at work. I know you must have been shocked beyond words. My dad and mom were married 44 years when he died, after complications from a triple heart bypass 2 years ago. So I know how deeply that loss is felt by a spouse. It has made me continually ache inside for her. And life has gotten so difficult with all the things that we have had to learn to do on our own.  Even lugging the garbage to the curb is a task, and lugging the heavier groceries as well.  You are very loving to try and take in your mom. I know there are so many challenges involved in that. Please don't feel bad if there comes a time when you can just no longer do it alone. I know this is the hardest time of my life, and for now, my mom still lives in her house. Though I don't know how much longer she will be able to.  She is an insulin dependent diabetic who goes low unexpectedly, and in general, she totters around about to fall every minute. It is like trying to guard a toddler when I walk with her. My nervous system is so stressed. Just wanted you to know that we are here to listen any time you feel the need to let it all out. It really helps! Welcome again, Lonnie

[Dolly]

I just lost my husband unexpectedly also.  I know the pain you are going through.  I spent 7 weeks at the hospital by his side everyday and night even sleeping there.  The interesting this is that NO one knows what he died from or what made him ill.  We had numerous testing done.  I feel so guilty as I convienced him to have the testing done so they could find out.  What really he died from was a hopital sepsis and died within 3 days after being there for 7 weeks.  My husband was a hard worker from early morning till late at night always making sure things were taken care of.  It is so hard now soooooI know what you are going through. 

[DianasMemory]

AMI and Dolly:  I am so sorry for your recent losses.  On this board you find people with wisdom and kindness beyond words.
Dolly: I truly undeerstand long houspital stays as my mom was in the hospital five weeks before she aquired sepsis and we had to take her off of life support.  Day in and day out I was there by her side walking through the whole thing with her.  We can not live life on should haves.  I begged my mom to go the hosiptal as she was ill.  I do not know if she never went to the hospital how much longer she would have been here.  Maybe years, maybe days and maybe hours.  She wanted a chance to live and that is why we took a chance.  She was in the hospital six days before her first surgery.  They told her after a colonoscopy that she had a tumor and that it had to be removed.  It was to be a two hour surgery.  She goes in at 9pm at a midnight I ask.  They tell me it is going to be another 4 hours.  After 7 hours of surgery she was done.  She came out of life support with an open wound was cold and nonresponsive.  They found she had a hernia surgery years ago and the mesh they put in to strengthen the stomach wall penetrated and was entangled in the small intestine.  She wouold require several more surgeries the doctor said.  She slowly began to recover three days later she went in for a second surgery and four days later she went in for a third surgers.  Over 12 hours of surgery the first week and her wound was not closed. I held hand and spoke her she was on a ventilator six days the first time.  She came off on mothers day.  She struggled but was getting stronger but faced a fourth surgery to close her up.  She was amazing doctors at her progress but she still ws sick she was intensive care for over month.  She was talking even began to eat.  she basically told me if anything happens I love you.   The day before her last surgery they decided to get her to sit up in bed she was screaming in pain and after that her blood pressure began to plummit before the final surgery.  They could not stabalize it and told me to stay at the hospital because she was now very critical ill they laid her flat on her back to raise her blood pressure and it took three medicines to stabalize it.  Even though the blood pressure was not stable she went in for a fourth surgery she started saying before the surgery she wanted to die.  I had to talk her in to the surgery and I told her she did this for a chance to live and I was not ready to lose her.  She had an open wound she had to be closed. She does the surgery she may die she does not do it she does die.  I told I loved her and I waited all night.  The first set back came when they were unable to close her this surgery was also four hours.  I was there as long as I could be she kept wanting to pull the tube out of her mouth she was back on a ventilator fighting slipping into a coma.  I was the last person in my family to see her awake.  The next day the doctor started talking about her kidneys shutting down her organs failing she developed DIC a blood clotting problem and sepsis which basically killed her.  She ws not a canidate for dyalysis.  If she would have made it through this surgery she would have had to face a fifth surgery.  Every time she went in to surgery her breathing and health went two steps backwards she was 64.  Within a week we had to take her off life support. The doctors gave her  azero chance to live.   Do I wonder what if? I do and it hurts.  I know how draining and exhausting long hospital stays can be it truly turns your life upside down.  I have hard time going down the street the hospital is on. We kept hope even in the darkest moment and i truly believe and hoped even when they told me she had a zero percent chance that she would recover.  I truly believe we do what we feel is right with the information we have at the time.  The doctors I know we relied on for information and the right way to progress. So please take good care of yourself and try not to feel guilty.  Yesterday was exactly one month without my mom.  I lived with her she was my mentor and my hero and I hope throughout my life I have half of strength she showed in her life.  Sorry for going on I thought this would be a shorty reply.

Stephanie

[AMI]

Thamls fpr the replies guys, it has been very helpful just to put my thoughts on paper.  Mine was not lengthly ,  Its just the shock of it all, its still like Im waiting for him to come in from work at midnight.   I dont have trouble going to bed at night because he was not here when I went to bed , I dont have trouble comeing home alone, I did that alot , he worked a lot so his social security would be bigger.    Going out alone and eating out alone , I find I was alone a lot,   but I still miss him , we talked a lot on the phone, and e-mailed him .   

I did start the journal last night, It does help puting everything to words,   if you have not tried it start one today, just for your self.

Thanks again guys                                                 AMI

[Crushed]

 AMI, I am so sorry you have started this long hard journey. I lost my love on Feb.6,2007 in a freak one car accident. He too went to work and didn't come home and we had been married 43 years. This web site and the caring people here have saved my life and I am glad you found it so soon after your loss. The journal is a very good tool to use and I would also suggest trying to find 5 things a day to be grateful for each day. Some days you probably won't have that many, but that's ok. Friday will be 5 months on this path and believe it or not the hole in my heart doesn't feel quite as huge and i am not hurting quite as much as I did, and I know that I can and will go on , and I even sort of know what I want my new life to be like. i have not figured out how to get there. if you would have told me this a few short months ago, I could not have believed it. Oh yes, I still have moments where I can hardly endure the pain and I just have to remember that the counselor  said we have to give ourselves the time, the space, and the place to grieve and let it out. That is the most healthy way to heal and go foreword. Please be gentle with yourself and make yourself get enough rest. Reach out for the help you need and don't make any decisions that you don't have to make. It's ok to watch a funny movie and relieve the stress by the gift of laughter. It's good for the soul and nervous system. We are all here for you and remember that you are on a roller coaster ride emotionaly, and will be for several weeks . It takes time for us to settle down after such an experience as this.

[AMI]

Thanks "crushed" that was so helpful,  I know the feeling of guilt from watching something fun, or doing something fun,  at first I was in so much shock, I feft guilty for not morning more, now it just morning.  thanks again.  AMI

[Crushed]

Go with the flow.....    it is what it is!   Your feelings are going to be all over the place for quite awhile.

[Lonnie]

Stephanie: You and your mom went through so much. I know how draining the hospital can be, and there are so many decisions to be made. And at our hospital, if you don't check on them every minute, they are likely to do something careless or neglectful. You are so right-you do the best you can with the information you are given at the time. I remember wanting to "kidnap" my dad from that lousy hospital and run away, but where do you take a fairly comatose man on a ventilator? Still, I imagined it at times. (Those hospital memories are the ones I wish to erase.)  I want to remember my dad as strong and healthy, with the ability to fix anything and everything. I just wish he could fix my broken heart. Hugs-Lonnie

[Crushed]

You can not erase those memories....   but you can put them behind the fence and only unlock the gate when you want to.  I went in my gate the other day for awhile and wreseled with the way the accident happened. I think I have accepted it and then I have to fight with it again. Not as often as in the beginning.